AIBU to feel hurt that my husband will not read my book?

[frustratedwriter]

So. I've always wanted to write a book but never knew what I could write about.

I'm fairly well established in my profession but publishing something in my field gives me the absolute willies with imposter syndrome.

Even my husband said to me frequently... "you should write a book"...

And then one day I had an experience that sent my brain off on a flight of fancy and blow me, I had the bones of a wild and weird story.

I've worked on this tirelessly between breaks while working, at weekends and early mornings for months and months and I now have about 120,000 words written and a "book" with a story which of course still needs lots of work.

I decided that I needed trusted people in my life to read it and tell me if it's shit or not. I wanted it tested.

So. I printed copies for my mum and sister, and sent opening chapters to my husband and bestie. Results as follows:

Bestie has never mentioned it again. She clearly thinks it's shit. A bit disappointing but maybe silence is easier than risking the friendship (to be clear, it wouldnt, I love her loads and would be ok if she said "no offence mate, not my thing")..

Mum. Got a notebook and pen out and went through it meticulously, spotted character drift, typos and the odd weird bit of the story where what was in my head had not made it onto paper in a way the reader could reasonably follow. She is an avid reader and was both critical and complementary. She said she loved it, it is unique, timely, and she thinks once I've made some rewrites I should try and court some agents.

Sister. Devoured it. Was just the biggest cheerleader and adored it for me. She gave very little pointers but was super enthusiastic for me. Love her for this. 💛 She wasn't critical, but frankly I could streak down the high street with tits flapping in the wind, and she would tell everyone with pride that I was hers.... so I take her enthusiasm with a pinch of salt.

Husband. He has had it for three weeks now. Even though it has been obvious I've been working on it for such a long time, and I explicitly told him I valued his opinion, he simply hasn't even opened it. So a week ago I told him how hurt I was, that he was the one who always said i could do it, and now that I have, he seems to be deliberately ignoring it. He apologised if I was hurt, said he has been super busy (he really hasn't), and admitted not even opening it. He promised he would read the chapter in the next few days. He never asked one question about it and hasn't mentioned it since the briefly apology if my feelings were hurt.

Since then, he has spent hours doom scrolling, watched shit fishing shows (8ncluding repeats), and read various news articles. Sometimes so lost in his phone i could hardly get a word out of him. So... I deleted the book off his emails. It was unread. He would have to ask me to send it again now if he wanted to look. (To be clear we have open access to each other's emails. No secrets and no sneaking, his emails are in my Outlook and I manage lots for him, so no snooping to worry about). He could have read the opening chapter in half an hour. I reckon if I asked him what the working title is, he wouldn't know.

So... at the end of this, am I being unreasonable to be gutted he has absolutely no interest? I feel rage bubbling up inside me everytime I look at him right now. Even if he read it and said he hated it... but he hasn't even opened it. Completely uninterested. Like... what a fucking team.

He's doing a qualification at the moment and I always help him with his essays. Final year is about to start and he can jog the fuck on if he thinks I'm lifting a finger for him now.

Maybe this book will just die a death as a little vanity project, but pfft.... wanker.

[Typos galore, written in rage... the actual book is much more careful]...

He should if it means that much to you.

But my DH is an author and I’ve never read anything he’s written. He’d prefer it if I did, but it’s not my preferred genre, I don’t want to dislike it, I don’t want to critique it (he wouldn’t mind, he’d welcome it, but I don’t want to). But I guess I would if he really wanted me to.

It does seem pretty mean of him. Having said that, a friend asked me to read their book and I kept putting it off: I was worried it'd be awful and I'd hate it, and I'd have to think of something constructive or nice to say. I did read it in the end, but there's something weirdly personal about reading someone's writing and it feels a bit odd! I couldn't even really articulate why and I'm a writer myself.

that's horrible! screw him, you had fun doing it and if it makes you happy it makes you happy. if my SO wrote a book i'd never shut up about it - even i'd love to read it. DH sounds absolutely miserable

Thanks for this. I totally get your perspective. My husband doesn't even know what my genre is. He hasn't even asked. Fucker. I actually think it's a genre he would enjoy. But yes if I'd told him I'd written a romance I would fully accept a decline. But thank you for taking the time to comment, it is a useful perspective to help me maybe be more forgiving.

If i ever manage to write my book I would be heartbroken that my husband wouldn’t ever look at the first chapter.

You have to give people time to read it. You can't expect others to drop everything and read your book immediately. To ask someone to read a book is a big ask and you should allow a couple of months.

This is super helpful and I think is what has happened with my bestie. We will never speak of it again!

Writer married to another writer here.

Sending a whole book to someone is way too much. Better to share an extract of 1000 words here and there.

He’ll be a bit overwhelmed and probably nervous about what if he doesn’t like it etc. Show him a little bit instead.

There are a couple of DH’s books I haven’t read all the way through and he doesn’t mind and doesn’t expect me to.

100% do join a creative writing group though. The practice of hearing other people read their work and reading your own to them will be so rich for you.

Urgh! fucking men and their fragile egos. How hard is it to support your wife through 3 or 4 exceptional times throughout your marriage?

YABU - Stop looking to your husband for validation. It’s wonderful your mum and sister are so supportive, but 120k is an enormous first draft and it’s actually v common for a spouse not to read their partner’s work (I’m a reasonably successful published author). If you want to pursue writing seriously the first thing to learn is that it all rests with you.

Build up a community of fellow emerging writers who can genuinely support you instead. Take courses, listen to writers podcasts, go to events, look for associations in your genre (eg the RNA if you write romance). If you can afford it, get a full MS review from a professional editor (look on reedsy for recs).

Congratulations on your completed first draft, it’s the hardest 👏 DM me for advice if you like.

I think this is it. Even if it's a bit shit and never goes anywhere. I feel a little heartbroken at his utter disinterest.

You’re not being unreasonable at all! I take other people’s points about the length of books. But he hasn’t even opened it! I don’t think you’re expecting him to have read the whole thing twice. But yes, I would expect him to drop everything and read the first few pages. This is very hurtful.

Maybe he's secretly already read it on your computer and thinks it's shite.

Thanks so much for this perspective. I did only send him two chapters but perhaps I do need to give my head a wobble.

Also the tips - THANK YOU! Because I have no idea what I'm doing.... just winging it, but looking at some courses already! I appreciate you taking the time to comment.

But also, deleting it off his email is passive aggressive and gives him the upper hand in claiming that you’ve removed it so he didn’t want to mention it. So I think you need to say to him that he’s really hurt your feelings and therefore you’ve deleted it from his email because he was so incredibly unsupportive when you have been helping him with a qualification.

Haha! He would definitely tell me if he had. He has no filter 🤣

And him thinking it was shite would not be an issue.... I can take feedback... but disinterest is a little harder.

This is fair. I was full of rage when I did it.

Does he generally read books? It might feel like a monumental task if not.

How lovely that your mum and sister are so supportive!

My DP has nearly finished the first draft of his book. I’m all set to read it but he wants to be a few drafts in first. The two other people he has told about it have already said they probably won’t read it as it sounds like it’s too long for them. They’re not book readers.

It is difficult being asked to read a book written by someone close to you. It's fine if you enjoy it; it's fine if you can give constructive criticism; but if it just isn't your kind of book, it's a real chore to drag through it.

That doesn't mean it's not a viable book - I'm sure we can all think of wildly successful bestsellers or prize winning books or longstanding classics we have tried to read but couldn't get into. But it puts the beta-reader in an awkward position because if there are no obvious flaws, you can't say whether it's a 'good' book or not, just that you didn't personally enjoy it which is likely to cause hurt feelings.

Build up a community of fellow emerging writers who can genuinely support you instead. Take courses, listen to writers podcasts, go to events, look for associations in your genre (eg the RNA if you write romance). If you can afford it, get a full MS review from a professional editor (look on reedsy for recs).

This, OP. It's nice if they read, but we can't expect it. And sending him the entire first draft can be overwhelming, especially if he's not used to reading, and he might worry about how to present the feedback.

I hope you find community. And congratulations on the finished first draft. It's a great accomplishment. I also recommend finding an editor, if you have the funds, as you continue working on your book. Good luck with it.

I'm writing a book, slightly different as it's non-fiction and not something DH knows about, but he's had a go at reading it with some supplementary information to provide context.

Basically I think yanbu, and your DH could at least have read the first couple of pages. I appreciate that my DH made an effort.

I agree both that he should be willing to read it and that it's best to find readers who are fellow writers and not people who are personally invested in you. I'm a published author and I would not want my husband as a beta reader. Giving honest but gentle feedback is a skill (as is accepting criticism) and it's a lot to impose on loved ones.

I wonder if the length might also be a bit daunting? 120,000 words is well over the word count of most commercially published books.

Is he a reader in general? If he is, I think it's a more reasonable request from you.

And good luck. Finishing is a huge accomplishment in and of itself.

One of my best friends is a writer. She says the only guaranteed way to get family and friends to read your book is to drop heavy hints that they’re in it.

Snap! I couldn't bring myself to read a friend's book, and just hoped he never mention it. I was really worried that I wouldn't like it and couldn't be honest, or that it might make me think differently about him. Thankfully, it's never been spoken of.

I'm an author of four books. My DH hasn't read any of them and I'm fine with that. He cheerleads me in other ways.
What you need is a circle of readers who will critique your writing honestly. Friends will probably tell you what you want to hear which is nice but unhelpful. Try joining some writing groups for unbiased feedback. Please don't give up.