AIBU to feel hurt that my husband will not read my book?

[frustratedwriter]

So. I've always wanted to write a book but never knew what I could write about.

I'm fairly well established in my profession but publishing something in my field gives me the absolute willies with imposter syndrome.

Even my husband said to me frequently... "you should write a book"...

And then one day I had an experience that sent my brain off on a flight of fancy and blow me, I had the bones of a wild and weird story.

I've worked on this tirelessly between breaks while working, at weekends and early mornings for months and months and I now have about 120,000 words written and a "book" with a story which of course still needs lots of work.

I decided that I needed trusted people in my life to read it and tell me if it's shit or not. I wanted it tested.

So. I printed copies for my mum and sister, and sent opening chapters to my husband and bestie. Results as follows:

Bestie has never mentioned it again. She clearly thinks it's shit. A bit disappointing but maybe silence is easier than risking the friendship (to be clear, it wouldnt, I love her loads and would be ok if she said "no offence mate, not my thing")..

Mum. Got a notebook and pen out and went through it meticulously, spotted character drift, typos and the odd weird bit of the story where what was in my head had not made it onto paper in a way the reader could reasonably follow. She is an avid reader and was both critical and complementary. She said she loved it, it is unique, timely, and she thinks once I've made some rewrites I should try and court some agents.

Sister. Devoured it. Was just the biggest cheerleader and adored it for me. She gave very little pointers but was super enthusiastic for me. Love her for this. 💛 She wasn't critical, but frankly I could streak down the high street with tits flapping in the wind, and she would tell everyone with pride that I was hers.... so I take her enthusiasm with a pinch of salt.

Husband. He has had it for three weeks now. Even though it has been obvious I've been working on it for such a long time, and I explicitly told him I valued his opinion, he simply hasn't even opened it. So a week ago I told him how hurt I was, that he was the one who always said i could do it, and now that I have, he seems to be deliberately ignoring it. He apologised if I was hurt, said he has been super busy (he really hasn't), and admitted not even opening it. He promised he would read the chapter in the next few days. He never asked one question about it and hasn't mentioned it since the briefly apology if my feelings were hurt.

Since then, he has spent hours doom scrolling, watched shit fishing shows (8ncluding repeats), and read various news articles. Sometimes so lost in his phone i could hardly get a word out of him. So... I deleted the book off his emails. It was unread. He would have to ask me to send it again now if he wanted to look. (To be clear we have open access to each other's emails. No secrets and no sneaking, his emails are in my Outlook and I manage lots for him, so no snooping to worry about). He could have read the opening chapter in half an hour. I reckon if I asked him what the working title is, he wouldn't know.

So... at the end of this, am I being unreasonable to be gutted he has absolutely no interest? I feel rage bubbling up inside me everytime I look at him right now. Even if he read it and said he hated it... but he hasn't even opened it. Completely uninterested. Like... what a fucking team.

He's doing a qualification at the moment and I always help him with his essays. Final year is about to start and he can jog the fuck on if he thinks I'm lifting a finger for him now.

Maybe this book will just die a death as a little vanity project, but pfft.... wanker.

[Typos galore, written in rage... the actual book is much more careful]...

I totally understand. That book is your hearts labour and you’re passionate about it and want to be proud of it. Even if only one person buys it, you put the work in and you want him to at least give it a shot.

It’s the completely standard upper end for fantasy…

Meh, OP, ignoring is normal in writers’ worlds. One of my BFFs wrote a bestseller and asked me to read it first for me thoughts, and that. Non fiction.

I didn’t. She was howling outraged and I said, equally howling outraged, well I know it’s going to be brilliant so I’ll get round to it when it’s in proof.

Book still in print 15 years on. Ha!

Your mum has done a fine job. That’s prob all you need at the moment.

Only ask readers who are the sort of types who would read that kind of thing anyway.

Send the first chapter not 10000000 zillion words, that puts people off. It’s a big job otherwise and even those of us in the trade would quail a touch.

A friend asked me to read and give an online review of her book. I said I’d read it on the proviso that I didn’t have to leave a review if I didn’t want to. It was hands down the crappest thing I’ve ever read. Angry-making crap. I never told her what I thought, she never asked me.

Also think about a manuscript evaluation, perhaps. They can be pricey, but I have edited for clients who chose that route after finishing first drafts, before they came to me, and they said it helped them. I write myself and have used such services, too.

I’ll read it, and be honest!

After encouraging you to write it it doesn’t make sense he’s not interested in reading it. It’s not like he’s never supported the idea. I’d be as hurt as you are.

I’ve read and edited a few things for family and it’s been a huge honour (though I know things about my dad I really wish I didn’t tbh).

I love the way you describe your sister and her love for you. My sister is the same and there’s nothing like it having such a huge level of support. I am equally so incredibly proud of her in everything she does.

On one hand, I understand your disappointment. On the other hand, I also understand why your husband wouldn't want to read your book.

I understand that you'd like for him to show some care and enthusiasm for a project you've started, and share his feedback with you so you know if what you've written is any good - especially since you always help him and root for him.

But, you also say you've written a rather long book within your own field. It might not be a field your husband is particularly interested in. I know from myself that I just CAN'T read books within topics that don't interest me. I can't. Maybe he's like that, too?

You also mention that he's working on his own project at the moment which may leave him with less capacity to get involved with yours.

Do you think he's a bit jealous of your achievement? Just seems a bit pointed (in a weaselly way) to completely ignore your book.

Even if he's not a reader you think he'd read a chapter or two to get a flavour of the book and because it's bloody important to you. If my partner was a writer I'd at least make an attempt to engage with their work.

And yes, stop giving him assistance with your essays. He clearly values your skills when it's helping him.

Does he read the genre you've written? My DH reads, but never fiction. He would have nothing useful to say if I wrote a novel.

I’m a writer, married to a very creative man. Sometimes I make him read my drafts while I watch him intensely, he tells me to stop being weird and leave him alone 🤣. Sometimes he doesn’t get it, sometimes he gives incredible feedback, sometimes he tells me just to have another go.
But actually the best thing I’ve found is to get support, not limited to feedback. I’ll have a glass of wine and tell him the story. Talk about my ideas together. Those nights have been some of the best of my life, but my DH is very artistic so I really value his opinion.
I think as others have said, it may just be a bit overwhelming for your husband, and that’s ok. But he does need to support you in other ways: organising things so you have quality time to write, enthusiasm, a bottle of fizz ready in the fridge for those little moments of success.
You’ve already achieved something incredible and you’re at the start of a long journey, so play a long game. Find a whole tribe of supporters beyond your family, get proper support. A writers group, an online course (Curtis Brown are quite good), take your own work seriously. Maybe try the Arvon foundation, go away for a blissful week of support?
good luck with the next draft 🔥🔥🔥

I think it's totally reasonable to be upset.

I've written a first draft of a book - was single when I started it and it got me through a horrendous period in my life as finishing it gave me something to live for. Then I got together with a journalist and I thought writing would be something we had in common but he was so threatened by it - he discouraged me so much.

Finally we broke up and I met my husband and he is so unwaveringly encouraging and it feels so different, and I finally finished it.

I haven't done much writing in recent years as we have small kids but hope to one day.

To be honest I'm a bit disappointed about your friend too.

My DH is an avid reader of history and philosophy but when I needed proofreaders for my thesis I knew not to give him any chapters. Other family members stepped up. He didn’t even show any interest in the chapter of a book that I contributed to.

He expressed pride in the chapter of a book DD wrote. He didn’t read a word which was surprising, it was his sort of topic.

Just be proud of what you have done. You do not need a man to validate your accomplishments.

Seriously OP you're expecting a lot.
Friends and family are not the best people to critique a book.
I'm an author and I also coach writers especially on non fiction and memoirs.

I've had coaching on my own novel and it's very different to letting a friend read it. In fact I've not let anyone I know read my work as I don't want to embarrass them if they don't like it.

To be really blunt most first novels are pretty awful. And 120,000 words is a 'saga' ( it's long!)

Join a writing group, pay for some professional coaching or input, get someone who doesn't know you to ready a couple of chapters.

Good luck.

A relatives girlfriend has written a book and we've all read it in support . It was good actually.

Urgh, what a dick. Im not sure I could get pat that to be honest.

... let him know you found a nice guy on the internet who's happy to read it, give written feedback and then meet to discuss over coffee

Bizarre but there was a thread exactly like this about a year or so ago.

So I have no advice but at least you’re not alone with this problem!

She’s asking alot that her life partner reads a book she wrote? WTF? I’d hate to be you if you think this is a big effort from a loved one.

120,000 is a lot to read. Is he much of a reader generally? Reading news articles on one's phone is a different magnitude to attacking your wife's answer to War and Peace (first draft).

It's great your mum and sister are so supportive. Focus on that. I assume your husband is usually supportive in other ways?

He's doing a qualification at the moment and I always help him with his essays. Final year is about to start and he can jog the fuck on if he thinks I'm lifting a finger for him now.

Having said that, I don't think you'd be unreasonable to pull back from this. For one thing, they're HIS essays. He should be doing the work.

Editing this as just read that you are reading his stuff! Don’t stop helping Just because of this, you might find yourself in a similar situation with a fellow writer one day!!

A book can be amazing but still not our kind of thing. Your book is for people who will resonate with your experiences, you just have to find those people! Think of it like this- you know what your dh does for work- would you ever be truly interested in it though? That’s where you are- people wanted to support you but it’s not their area x congratulations and keep writing!!

My dh is a frustrated creative and is always messing about writing stories, music, the lot

After a couple of unpleasant exchanges years ago, i've refused to engage with anything he produces. He has a presprictive idea of how i should react and when i don't play ball, he takes the hump.

I know it upsets him that i show no interest but i can't be bothered to fall out over it again.

I’m an avid reader and I also wrote a book (unpublished, I should say) many years ago before meeting my DH. I honestly feel conflicted because I understand why you feel disappointed in your DH but I also think that if I was to write another book I wouldn’t ask my family or friends to read it. I’d go down other channels - whether that’s creative rewriting groups, approaching agents or an editor for self-publishing etc. I wouldn’t expect or really want the people I love to provide feedback on my work. I love reading so much that I also wouldn’t want to be forced into reading somebody else’s book (and at 120,000 words it is a long one) which would be time-consuming and take me away from all the books I really want to read. I honestly think you may be best to look into what you can do to improve your work and get genuine feedback without involving those who may not be best placed to give good constructive feedback anyway.

Your DH sounds pretty selfish. He could start it at least and give you his thoughts.

I used to have a partner who was very interested in writing fantasy novels. He wrote about half of one and he asked me to read it to say what I thought, and he said that he wanted me to be honest.

Well, I am and always have been a prolific reader of all sorts of genres, and I thought it was absolutely terrible.

It was repetitive, badly written, It didn't make a huge amount of sense. It wasn't very engaging, and the thing is, I loved the man. I didn't want to be the bearer of bad news, and I tried to frame my criticism as constructively as possible.

However, he held it against me in perpetuity, and I don't think our relationship ever really recovered as a result of that.

So what I would say is that your sister is your cheerleader, and that is absolutely great, but she is coming from it from a perspective of loving you.

Your husband is potentially not wanting to read your book because he thinks it might not be as great as you think it is, and he is going to have to be the person to tell you that.

So just be prepared for that.

I'm a writer and I would never, ever ask DH to read anything in the early draft stages. Never have, never will. That way madness lies. I'm feeling quite queasy at the thought! He reads most of my published work though. And is better at promoting me than I am.