AIBU to feel hurt that my husband will not read my book?

[frustratedwriter]

So. I've always wanted to write a book but never knew what I could write about.

I'm fairly well established in my profession but publishing something in my field gives me the absolute willies with imposter syndrome.

Even my husband said to me frequently... "you should write a book"...

And then one day I had an experience that sent my brain off on a flight of fancy and blow me, I had the bones of a wild and weird story.

I've worked on this tirelessly between breaks while working, at weekends and early mornings for months and months and I now have about 120,000 words written and a "book" with a story which of course still needs lots of work.

I decided that I needed trusted people in my life to read it and tell me if it's shit or not. I wanted it tested.

So. I printed copies for my mum and sister, and sent opening chapters to my husband and bestie. Results as follows:

Bestie has never mentioned it again. She clearly thinks it's shit. A bit disappointing but maybe silence is easier than risking the friendship (to be clear, it wouldnt, I love her loads and would be ok if she said "no offence mate, not my thing")..

Mum. Got a notebook and pen out and went through it meticulously, spotted character drift, typos and the odd weird bit of the story where what was in my head had not made it onto paper in a way the reader could reasonably follow. She is an avid reader and was both critical and complementary. She said she loved it, it is unique, timely, and she thinks once I've made some rewrites I should try and court some agents.

Sister. Devoured it. Was just the biggest cheerleader and adored it for me. She gave very little pointers but was super enthusiastic for me. Love her for this. 💛 She wasn't critical, but frankly I could streak down the high street with tits flapping in the wind, and she would tell everyone with pride that I was hers.... so I take her enthusiasm with a pinch of salt.

Husband. He has had it for three weeks now. Even though it has been obvious I've been working on it for such a long time, and I explicitly told him I valued his opinion, he simply hasn't even opened it. So a week ago I told him how hurt I was, that he was the one who always said i could do it, and now that I have, he seems to be deliberately ignoring it. He apologised if I was hurt, said he has been super busy (he really hasn't), and admitted not even opening it. He promised he would read the chapter in the next few days. He never asked one question about it and hasn't mentioned it since the briefly apology if my feelings were hurt.

Since then, he has spent hours doom scrolling, watched shit fishing shows (8ncluding repeats), and read various news articles. Sometimes so lost in his phone i could hardly get a word out of him. So... I deleted the book off his emails. It was unread. He would have to ask me to send it again now if he wanted to look. (To be clear we have open access to each other's emails. No secrets and no sneaking, his emails are in my Outlook and I manage lots for him, so no snooping to worry about). He could have read the opening chapter in half an hour. I reckon if I asked him what the working title is, he wouldn't know.

So... at the end of this, am I being unreasonable to be gutted he has absolutely no interest? I feel rage bubbling up inside me everytime I look at him right now. Even if he read it and said he hated it... but he hasn't even opened it. Completely uninterested. Like... what a fucking team.

He's doing a qualification at the moment and I always help him with his essays. Final year is about to start and he can jog the fuck on if he thinks I'm lifting a finger for him now.

Maybe this book will just die a death as a little vanity project, but pfft.... wanker.

[Typos galore, written in rage... the actual book is much more careful]...

I had a friend write a book and ask us to read it. I never did because I’m rubbish at lying and feared I wouldn’t be able to be enthusiastic about it. Maybe that’s why your husband is putting it off.

It’s a huge ask though, to ask some one to spend hours reading an (un edited draft) of a novel, about something you may have zero interest in.

your mum sister and bestie all sound like legends though, a bunch of wonderful people!

I think you have to be in the mood for reading, give him time.

I think it's poor he wouldn't read even a chapter OP.
I definitely would rethink how muchbyou help him.
Time to match his energy on that score.
Eaten bread is quickly forgotten.

So if he does read it and tells you it’s shit, you’re not going to come on here and complain he said it shit? I think it’s pretty obvious he has that issue.

And if he does think it's shit he can think of a gentle and constructive way to tell her. That seems a pretty basic thing to expect from one's spouse.

completely disagree, if you can't look to the person you've agreed to spend the rest of your life with, the person whom you've promised to love and cherish and value above all others, who can you?

I understand if he didn't want to read the whole book. But 1 chapter? How is that too much? I doubt OP particularly wanted to spend presumably much longer than the half an hour it would have taken him proof-reading all his essays, but she did it as a favour to him. Now she's asked him tor return the favour, and he won't. That's not fair, and it doesn't matter if the favour was reading her first chapter or watching her choir perform, or popping to the shops for paracetamol when she's feeling ill - it's a small favour that will barely impact him but would mean a lot to her.

At the end of the day it doesn't matter if it's reading a book, cheering for them at the end of a marathon, or listening to their moan about their manager, (or, indeed, proof reading their essays) if your spouse can't spend the occasional half an hour to support you, why should anyone?

What you're suggesting is completely different - essentially reciprocity where specialists provide criticism and help on the basis they get the same something back. OP doesn't expect detailed literary criticism from her husband - she wants him to acknowledge something she's put a lot of work and effort into, that's all.

I'd be really upset in your shoes too OP. Even more after you'd told him how much it had hurt you. If he had any doubts about reading it and feeling awkward or if he wouldn't know what to say if he didn't like it, that was the point at which to bring it up (well, actually the second point), not lie to you and say he'd been busy (he hadn't) and would read it (when he wouldn't).

@ANNotherWriter I just wanted to apologise for my unnecessary comment “I’d hate to be you if you think this is a big effort from a loved one.” that was a ridiculous thing to say, I’m sorry.

I'm hoping one day, when DH retires or works a less full on job, that he will write a book. I absolutely cannot imagine declining to read it if he asked me too. In fact I would be very hurt if he didn't. Good luck with your book. And absolutely do not help with his course.

As your husband, he should definitely have made the time and read it.

It might not be out of lack of care for your that he didn’t - sometimes, I find if my job is taking up so much of my brain, and then there’s stuff with the kids to think of, I find I don’t have any more of my brain left to give to others by eg reading their stuff. I just want a bit of brain space for myself, and it’s not offence to anyone, j just have nothing left. If he’s like that, it isn’t a slight on you.

You Mum and sister at least sound supportive!

I would make the changes you agree with, keep working on it, and see how it goes looking for agents without his input.

Theres no limit to the amount of books the world needs after all! And either way, you can enjoy doing it.

I’ve written three books and have contracts for a further two. My DH has never read my of them and I’ve never asked him to. It’s my work. I wouldn’t read his work reports. We’re definitely a good team when it counts but we are also separate people. I don’t need his validation or critique. For some people reading any book just isn’t enjoyable. I’d brush it off and try to find pride in your achievement, rather than needing reassurance from your DH.

Her own husband? Drop everything?! He’s been watching fishing show repeats!

I find it odd that you would go in to your husband’s emails and delete stuff. It would be nice if he read it but he probably is afraid of non liking it and upsetting you and some men read very little.
i have easy access to my husband’s emails but would never go through them and delete stuff.

the key thing here is I've never asked him to.

If you don't want your DH to read your books that's fine. But OP has asked hers to, and he agreed to. Promising you will do something and then backing out is shit no matter what, particularly if it's a very easy favour that will cost you minimum effort, and even more so if it's something your spouse has made clear means a lot to them.

I do wonder what some people think marriage is, if they don't seem to think they should ever put themselves out the slightest bit to do something that isn't their particular preference, just because it would mean a lot to their DH/DW, and vice versa. Although tbh I also expect that if OP had posted saying 'My DH has been spending every spare minute of the last few months writing a book and is hugely excited about it, he said it would mean a huge deal to him if I read just the first chapter, I promised I would but tbh I just can't really be arsed, AIBU?' people would be slating her!

Really? I’ve just read a 450page book in 2 days. Not sure why people are acting like it’s the original Way of Kings or Oathbringer (both over 1000 pages).

It’s not THAT long.

I totally understand why it's hurtful but people are so weird about this stuff. I used to be a criminal barrister and all my family would say "id love to watch you in court". Not one person ever came. Even my parents. Including my dad who would regularly go to watch his mate who was a judge in court.

I think some people feel oddly voyeuristic about it. But I would be hurt too.

This is so well articulated. I have several writers in my family and I now feel ashamed to say I haven’t got around to reading absolutely everything. There is something so personal about it and it feels strange in a way.

I take all the above on board. Will join some groups, take some classes and get proper beta reviews. It may turn into nothing at all, but it's been fun to write and I should hold that close rather than looking to family for validation

This sounds like a good way forward. I haven’t read all the responses, so it may have been said - but organisations like CityLit and Faber and Curtis Brown run some great courses as well as some universities who deliver evening online and in-person writing courses.

And yes I agree - don’t look to family for validation, it’s very nice your mother and sister doing all of that, but really what you need is a writers group or one or two trusted writers that you can do manuscript swap with so you can critique each others stuff.

I didn’t ask nor want any friend or family to read my manuscript and even after I was published, I didn’t really want anyone I know (other than fellow writers) to read my books!

That said if it’s important to you it’s a shame he hasn’t at least enquired as to the genre or asked you much about it. I remember doing my dissertation and struggling. I was dating one guy who wouldn’t even help me by reading over it. I had a male (platonic) friend who did offer to read it and I remember thinking - if my friend will do more for me than a boyfriend what’s the point. Lol.

So I do appreciate how hurtful it can be.

Did he cheer you on and encourage you during the process at least?

I’m an author and I’ve never asked my husband to read my first drafts. He read my books after they were published. I love him but I don’t need his advice; he’s not really into fiction. I remember reading a friend’s manuscript many years ago and it was so bad, I didn’t mention it again. This stuff is really awkward to navigate! I just prefer not to embroil my husband in it.

I read my auntys script. It was horrifically bad! I tried to give some feedback but really I was like - put the whole thing in the bin and start again! 🙈

I loved her very much so I did give some feedback. But I wouldn’t be keen to do this again! Stressful!

I would feel way too weird reading a book someone that close to me had written - especially before it was published.

A distant friend of mine is a published author and I’ve read a couple of her books and it feels so strange to me even though we’re not close.

My DM and DH both promised to read my first book. Neither of them did. I didn't really expect them to. It was a book on Taxation which might have had something to do with it.

Oof. I have several people in my family with books published and I can’t bear the thought of reading any of them (even though they’re genres or subjects I would read). And once a friend sent me their draft and it was only when the email arrived that I realised I didn’t much like that thought either, even though I’d read their first novel ok.

it’s just weird to have a monologue from someone you’re used to conversation/dialogue with. Feels wrong.

You support him, so he really should be supporting you too. He’s being a bit emotionally inept and short sighted.

As it stands, personally I wouldn’t want to help him write his essays.

I think you need to speak up before you really start to feel resentful, which would be destructive for both of you.

Wishing you all the very best with your book.

I used to do the same job, but I really wouldn’t have wanted my family to come and watch me in court!