AIBU to suspect a colleague’s behaviour may relate to my nationality?

[oneofthems]

I have a colleague who is new to our function, although not new to the company, and from fairly early on I had the sense that something was quite off in her attitude towards me.

I hope people know what I mean. Nothing you can formally put your finger on, but a pattern of small things. Meetings I am left out of, emails that don't get forwarded, deliverables I am only brought into at the last possible moment. We are at the same level.

Every individual micro incident is absolutely in nothing to see here territory. Taken together (been six month) they paint quite a clear picture.

I thought I'd make a very intentional effort to build bridges. I looked at her public social media to see whether there was anything we might have in common, I don't know, something very innocent, a first step. Dogs, travel, hobbies, sport, whatever. Her own feed is very mainstream, mostly food, travel, family events and fashion, occasionally some local news reposted.

However, I discovered that her partner, whom she publicly tags as being in a relationship with, has a very specific prejudice against people of my birth nationality.

To anonymise this, imagine I'm Argentinian (I'm not), with apologies to any Argentinians reading. More than 50% of his posts are things (mostly reposts, with some crazy conspiracy-theory shit) along the lines of "deport all Argentinians back to Brazil if Argentina is so bad for them ", reposting crimes no matter how minor committed anywhere in the world by Argentinians, "lock Milei, lock Milei" protests, stats on Argentinian corruption, or claims that Argentinians are all Nazi descendants and shouldn't be allowed into the UK. I am actually surprised some of what he reposts is not automatically flagged by algorithms as hate speech.

Neither he nor she appears to have any connection whatsoever to Argentina that I can work out, or even to anywhere in South America, which somehow makes the fixation even stranger.

I OBVIOUSLY know his views aren't automatically hers, and I certainly don't want to hold someone responsible in my head for everything their partner posts. There were views my partners held that I didn't, and vice versa. Still.

AIBU to wonder whether I found the reason?

No but from what OP has described it isn’t just anti government. It’s “get them all out”

You can still be a union member. My union isn't recognised in my workplace in that they're not involved in things like pay negotiations, but they have absolutely supported me on a couple of matters which would probably have ended quite differently without their expertise and support. The reps have come from union HQ when I've needed them.

Anyway - the why is important to you, but actually, it's not relevant. Her behaviour is the important thing, and whether she's doing it because you are Argentinian or because you can speak 3 languages or because have blue manicured nails or whatever else doesn't matter. She's treating you poorly, and it wouldn't suddenly be okay if the reason turned out to be something else other than your nationality.

Carry on recording all the things, which are building a pattern. Record the things you are trying to mitigate it, like asking her to include you on mails from the outset, rather than setting you up to fail. Also check how she is with other colleagues. Does she ever forget any of them? If not, that strengthens the pattern for when you do report it.

The 'get it done by the end of the week' reply should be CC not BCC to the immediate boss, and to the person herself, as well as to the client. When they ask you why they were included, explain, and say this is not the first time (isn't it?) that this has happened. D not say what you think, and why you think it, just be saying you think they ought to know about this, that it is not your fault that you do not attend meetings, etc, because you are not kept in the loop. But, I insist, do not offer your opinion as to why it keeps happening.

YANBU to suspect your colleague's behaviour has to do with your nationality. The husband's posts suggest you are probably correct. It could also be that your colleague has taken a dislike to you for other reasons not to do with nationality at all. Thing is, you'll never really know with 100% certainty as the colleague is being superficially polite and always has a plausible reason for her lapses.

So the question comes down to not whether you're correct that there's racial animosity but what you are going to do about the situation of her undermining your ability to do your job. But you've said you know what to do professionally speaking ie recording her 'memory lapses' etc. You've said you won't report her.

So, there's no really useful advice anyone can give you. The one thing I'd maybe suggest which could possibly persuade her to stop with the nonsense is to subtly escalate your recording / responses so that as far as possible others within the teams are aware of what's going on.

I'm thinking, for example, if you missed something because of her lapse that you email her and do a CC. Plus, apologise to others via email explaining that you were not informed of such and such by her team or not informed in time, whichever is applicable. This way she is publicly exposed. But you might already be doing this or it might not be possible. Just a thought. Ultimately you might be better off finding work elsewhere.

Well, Argentina came to mind because of the Falklands situation, so perhaps it is not quite as remote an example as it seems 😅

But I do not think this is really about concern that the UK itself might somehow be affected. Some of it is quite literally along the lines of: "People of X nationality have been found to have a genetically determined IQ 20 points lower," or "Men of X nationality have the smallest dicks in the world," or "It turns out that this famous scientist or sportsman from X is a fraud". From really weird looking websites and pages.

I anonymised it because I knew exactly what the discussion would immediately turn into, and I didn’t want that to derail the point. I’m agnostic.

So this is the thing… an American, or a MAGA American? Because the latter isn’t about your nationality, it’s about your beliefs.

FWIW my guess is Russian! So if you are pro-Putin, it won’t be your nationality but your views people will find difficult to deal with…

Op if you can go back to these incidents such as the time where she missed you off an email or you were dialled into a call after being missed off an invite, i would log all of them and then report this to your manager. At the very least, she is being shit at her job and needs to be pulled up on it. By all means make your manager aware of your suspicions behind motive, but they need to have word with her about ensuring to include you.

Whether she is openly agreeing with her DH or not, some of his thoughts obviously rub off on her. She is trying to needle you and make you look incompetent as much as possible knowing that by covering it in flowery apologies will make you look silly if you complain without any very obvious evidence.

I wouldn't say anything. I would either quietly look for another job, or play her at her own game by informing her of things late, following up with a huge apology! If she says anything, just say that forgetfulness must be catching...very sweetly of course.

Given the direction this thread took without you even saying anything specific, of course it can be entirely true that your coworker is bigoted and more importantly, unable to put that aside while at work.

I was born in Israel and brought up in the states. I have an Israeli name and an American accent and immigrated to the uk 20ish years ago. I’m also Jewish. It’s been an interesting time these last few years. So I am very, very sure that people can treat you differently because of any or all of these things and I’m very sure it can bleed into the workplace. I however have no way to fix that except to put that to one side yourself.

At the end of the day it doesn’t really matter. She’s racist or incompetent or a bully and you just have to get more allies around you. Be super clear with anyone else on the team that they need to forward you things or copy you in etc. I’d have no issue saying ‘person appears to be struggling a bit right now as she missed me out of xyz so I’m trying to put some support around her’. Kill her with kindness, never bad mouth her and keep records for HR if it gets to that point. And, if an option, look for a new job as this isn’t likely to either improve or be great for your mental health.

Thank you.

I know perfectly well what to do professionally in this situation. People have suggested HR, unions, complaining to the boss, etc., but I think that is somewhat less applicable at our level. We are both quite senior and largely responsible for managing our own work. I honestly cannot remember the last time I even saw my boss in person.

She is more of an solo contributor, and I have a team under me, and she knows perfectly well that if something lands at the last minute, I am the one who will stay and work through the weekend rather than dump it on a junior. From the client's perspective, however, it will still be me and my team who appear to be delivering "late". And obviously I am not going to expose internal squabbles to the client.

I have started playing the CC other people game a few weeks ago and it is already bearing fruit. As I mentioned, other people have begun noticing independently when I have not been included in meetings or forwarded things, so at least some of these situations are now being caught before they become a problem.

But for me, it does make a massive difference WHY she is behaving this way. Apart from anything else, the reason might be something I can actually change. Nationality I cannot.

Also this colleague is a bit stupid allowing an association with this on her fb as many prospective employers check it

You can't bring up nationality op. You'd look like a nutter with a chip on your shoulder.

You CAN clearly push back, in writing every single time.

So every time there's a near miss and someone tells you or forwards something she should have, email her. 'Hi Louise, Sam sent me the x which was cascaded on Tuesday. Can you please make sure i'm in all future emails and meetings? Thanks'.

When she mentions she thought you were on holiday, stamp on it. Email her later 'Hi, you mentioned earlier you'd thought I was on holiday, hence missing me off X. Just wanted to let you know my calendar is public and kept updated so if in doubt please check. Thanks!

When she withholds work, don't let her mistake become your emergency on a Friday and dump it back in her lap. 'Hi Louise, unfortunately i'm snowed under with X today and simply don't have scope right now. Can you please contact the client to let them know of the oversight and confirm this will be provided by cob Monday? Can you please also ensure future asks are sent in a timely manner to ensure completion by deadlines? Thanks'.

If or when she doesn't reply, start innocently forwarding to her line manager. 'Hi Susan, please see the trail below. I haven't heard back from Louise yet so wasn't sure if she'd had an early finish maybe? As this is now time critical due to the previous oversight, can you please ask one of your other guys to touch base with the client today? Thanks'.

And separately, keep a simple log of every incident. If she doesn't get the message in a couple of weeks, send it to her line manager, again innocently 'Hi Susan, sorry to bring this to you. However, as you can see by the below log there have been several near misses and client impacts lately and I wondered if maybe Susan needs some additional support? Would appreciate if this could be addressed please'.

Why would it matter whether I am "American" or specifically a "MAGA American"? I don't bring my political views into the workplace or volunteer them in any way, and in any case, the views in question are hardly fringe.

Well, it matters because you have said this is about nationality but now it seems it might be about your right to have (far right? racist?) views with no consequences.

Either way, she absolutely shouldn’t be unprofessional, which it looks like she is with all these repeated “errors” in a pattern. But you asked to understand the reason for an apparent dislike. I like Americans, I dislike MAGA and think it’s having a terrible impact outside the USA as well as in it. I reserve the right to dislike MAGA, it’s nothing to do with nationality.

!

I wouldn't bother on here. It seems perfectly okay to have a go and discriminate against being English on here so discrimination against a nationality is common.

Do you have the sort of relationship with your team, or some people in it, where you could mention (verbally) that she seems to have a bit of a blind spot in inviting you to meetings or passing on work, and could they support you in managing this? You could frame it as being all about client satisfaction, managing upwards, flexing for different styles etc. That way, your team would feel empowered to bring you in to meetings etc rather than sometimes assuming you’d been asked and had a clash (or whatever) and the more savvy ones will probably clock what is going on and might even be a bit protective of you.

I thought OP might be English in Scotland or Ireland. In which case she'd be right to keep her nationality secret or she'd get lots of posters telling her the colleague is right or she's imagining it.

Yeah that is what I thought.

You don’t think someone could hold the same racist views as their husband . THAT’S a reach.

But people in the workplace can hold all sorts of opinions you don't like - as long as they're not promoting them in the workplace.

When you work with a lot of people, there's a chance you won't like all of them. You can still work with them professionally and be polite to them, and expect that back. I know it's unusual never to have any smalltalk in the office, but you can talk about the weather or something fairly neutral.

If your colleague is being deliberately difficult because you are American, she would be discriminating against you due to your nationality which you can't help and can't change.

If she is doing this because you are a MAGA American, she is being difficult with you because of your views and political beliefs which are a choice. Her behaviour is still unacceptable and unprofessional but more understandable .

It’s illegal to discriminate against someone because of their political beliefs.

And you as usual are keen to minimise any suspected racism and dismiss it as a possibility. No surprises here. Are you white btw?