AIBU to suspect a colleague’s behaviour may relate to my nationality?

[oneofthems]

I have a colleague who is new to our function, although not new to the company, and from fairly early on I had the sense that something was quite off in her attitude towards me.

I hope people know what I mean. Nothing you can formally put your finger on, but a pattern of small things. Meetings I am left out of, emails that don't get forwarded, deliverables I am only brought into at the last possible moment. We are at the same level.

Every individual micro incident is absolutely in nothing to see here territory. Taken together (been six month) they paint quite a clear picture.

I thought I'd make a very intentional effort to build bridges. I looked at her public social media to see whether there was anything we might have in common, I don't know, something very innocent, a first step. Dogs, travel, hobbies, sport, whatever. Her own feed is very mainstream, mostly food, travel, family events and fashion, occasionally some local news reposted.

However, I discovered that her partner, whom she publicly tags as being in a relationship with, has a very specific prejudice against people of my birth nationality.

To anonymise this, imagine I'm Argentinian (I'm not), with apologies to any Argentinians reading. More than 50% of his posts are things (mostly reposts, with some crazy conspiracy-theory shit) along the lines of "deport all Argentinians back to Brazil if Argentina is so bad for them ", reposting crimes no matter how minor committed anywhere in the world by Argentinians, "lock Milei, lock Milei" protests, stats on Argentinian corruption, or claims that Argentinians are all Nazi descendants and shouldn't be allowed into the UK. I am actually surprised some of what he reposts is not automatically flagged by algorithms as hate speech.

Neither he nor she appears to have any connection whatsoever to Argentina that I can work out, or even to anywhere in South America, which somehow makes the fixation even stranger.

I OBVIOUSLY know his views aren't automatically hers, and I certainly don't want to hold someone responsible in my head for everything their partner posts. There were views my partners held that I didn't, and vice versa. Still.

AIBU to wonder whether I found the reason?

reply with “coworker, this is the Xth time you have forwarded me something last minute, please see Client on date, Client on date and client on date as examples of this. It’s looking to be a pattern and I’m going to CC boss to this email as this time it’s so late I may not get to it/ finish it before the deadline.
thanks,
yourself”

if you have a list of things to make a pattern can then slack/ chat to boss and bring up this email as part of a larger pattern

Is this a professional role? I find it strange that anyone in work these days would highlight such prejudice for everyone to see. Maybe you should speak to her rather than make assumptions.

You can be racist against people who have white skin? People can be racist against someone with a similar skin colour to themselves? I mean Israelis and Palestinians look similar skin colour wise as they are geographical neighbours? Pakistanis can be racist against Indians, English against French etc. it often is neighbours who are close in many ways who end up hating eachother? It's still racist.

In my experience these type of behaviours are low level enough that if challenged she will say - so sorry I am forgetful/stressed/overworked/etc ... It becomes very very difficult to prove.

All you can do I think is keep a record and talk to your manager flagging the impact on your work.

So you think somebody is displaying micro aggressions towards you at work because of their partner’s social media, which you have been stalking? Seems a reach.

TBH, I've known a few South Americans who have a real issue with Argentinians so I think you might be right.

Oh I thought that was the actual countries, not just an example, I was hoping you could explain what their beef really is.

...a convenient one.

I know how to deal with the situation professionally. My question was really whether my gut feeling about WHY this is happening seems reasonable, because the motivation does make a difference to how I would address it.

Eg, I have another colleague who is objectively much worse at deadlines/ admin/keeping in the loop. But he more than compensates in other areas, and I suspect there's some neurodiversity at play, so I've simply learned to accommodate the things he struggles with. It works perfectly well because he returns the favour tenfold in areas where he's strong.

Someone being disorganised, forgetful or difficult to work with for reasons that aren't personal is one thing. Someone deliberately excluding or undermining you because they actively dislike you for reasons outside of your control is quite another, and I'd handle those two situations very differently. I hope this makes sense?

I think you should challenge every micro aggression. "Is there a reason I was only told this yesterday when other people knew on Monday? This puts me at a disadvantage.." etc. By email, every time. There will only be so many times she can pass it off as 'nothing to see' before a pattern shows itself, which you can then take to a manager.
You likely have identified the reason for her behaviour, but there is not enough evidence at this stage to make a case for discrimination on the grounds of nationality given you had to go digging for the indirect discriminatory attitudes, and she hadn't personally revealed them to you.
Focus on her actions rather than motive for now.

Yes I agree

I would be wary of claiming to boss/HR that this is an example of prejudice against you and focus on how she's failing at basics of her job and not getting you involved at right stage.

Highligh that clients are not getting the best because you're repeatedly being called in late. Bosses will be more interested (sadly) on potential income/reputation.

Obviously keep a record and escalate as needed but right now I would focus it as her failing clients.

Oh, ffs. I found her, and by extension her partner's, social media yesterday after yet another one of these incidents that has been going on for six months now. I spent about 15 minutes looking at what they'd publicly posted. I haven't been "stalking" him.

Flag the recent “Friday email” problem to your boss on Monday, and give him or her other demonstrable examples as well.

I don’t know whether you should mention the husband’s social media. It seems relevant to me in that it’s likely they have similar views - but it’s not evidence that she shares them.

This is better expressed than my post - focus on actions not motivations initially.

I agree. Is it not much more likely she sees you as a professional threat and so is doing this to make you look incompetent?

I’m so sorry OP you are definitely not wrong. I’ve worked in a very similar environment, it’s almost impossible when you are both senior and their petty pathetic behaviour needs tackling.

In the end I found a role elsewhere which is actually better for several reasons. In hindsight I can see it was a pretty toxic workplace - the leader who set the culture was fairly cruel and that gave permission for others to behave nastily.

I am not going to give you advice like talking to your manager, I know the type of situation. But I send you strength and best wishes.

Well, this is an easy one to help build a pattern.
I keep all my emails.
You highlight the date time sent, the date work is due and the Sorry.
Forward to yourself.
Count how many times it has happened over a six month period.
Factually, call her out on it, copying to her and your line managers.

Dear Twat
I have met this deadline by working all day Saturday. The request was made Wednesday and forwarded to me yesterday afternoon.
As you can understand, this makes the turn around time very tight indeed.
We all make mistakes however, you have done this to me now eight times in six months [insert dates/clients].
Please try and get any request to me as soon as you receive it in future, so the client remains happy with us.

Kind regards

Not really. We work on the same projects and for the same clients, but in different capacities. For example, I might lead the analytics side while she leads project management. We're not competing with each other at all. If anything, it's even very much in both our interests for the other person to do their job well.

hmm.

how would she know your nationality?

I have worked in schools in Cambridge where many teachers are from different countries and one held four passports.

I doubt it’s your nationality per se.

She asked pretty much on the first day?

I am actually surprised some of what he reposts is not automatically flagged by algorithms as hate speech. If it’s Facebook, they don’t give a shit. I frequently report stuff on there that I’d deem as hate speech and my reports never get upheld. It’s thoroughly depressing.

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head OP, and I’m sorry this is happening to you, and sorry for the way this country is heading thanks to the thick racist but very vocal minority and those that stoke hatred for their own political gain.

For the avoidance of doubt, nobody in this story is actually South American or Argentinian. That was purely a placeholder.

There are some nationalities or communities where, for historical or political reasons, I wouldn't be particularly surprised to encounter fairly widespread hostility towards people of my origin, just as you say. Neither she nor her partner appears to belong to, or have even a distant connection with, any of those groups.

Yes it is Facebook.

Hey OP, I think your gut is probably right. The downside is unless your employer is big time into acknowledging and addressing micro aggressions you may not get much by raising it. As shown by the comments its not a thing everyone gets the impact of. (Altho tbh some of your examples are direct action to discredit you)
I would go with what you are probably already doing, directly responding w v neutral 'hi can you let me know why I was not on the meeting invitation?', asking questions rather than statements you must be included; so you look curious and constructive not reactive and stroppy.
By continually asking for an explanation you may make them rethink. And if they continue you can then bounce it up and ask for some clarity from above and you still appear to be someone who is professional, keen to work well with colleagues and get the job done.
(Whereas in reality you are refusing to get drawn into the nasty fuckers game) (apologies if you are not a swearer 😆 )