AIBU to suspect a colleague’s behaviour may relate to my nationality?

[oneofthems]

I have a colleague who is new to our function, although not new to the company, and from fairly early on I had the sense that something was quite off in her attitude towards me.

I hope people know what I mean. Nothing you can formally put your finger on, but a pattern of small things. Meetings I am left out of, emails that don't get forwarded, deliverables I am only brought into at the last possible moment. We are at the same level.

Every individual micro incident is absolutely in nothing to see here territory. Taken together (been six month) they paint quite a clear picture.

I thought I'd make a very intentional effort to build bridges. I looked at her public social media to see whether there was anything we might have in common, I don't know, something very innocent, a first step. Dogs, travel, hobbies, sport, whatever. Her own feed is very mainstream, mostly food, travel, family events and fashion, occasionally some local news reposted.

However, I discovered that her partner, whom she publicly tags as being in a relationship with, has a very specific prejudice against people of my birth nationality.

To anonymise this, imagine I'm Argentinian (I'm not), with apologies to any Argentinians reading. More than 50% of his posts are things (mostly reposts, with some crazy conspiracy-theory shit) along the lines of "deport all Argentinians back to Brazil if Argentina is so bad for them ", reposting crimes no matter how minor committed anywhere in the world by Argentinians, "lock Milei, lock Milei" protests, stats on Argentinian corruption, or claims that Argentinians are all Nazi descendants and shouldn't be allowed into the UK. I am actually surprised some of what he reposts is not automatically flagged by algorithms as hate speech.

Neither he nor she appears to have any connection whatsoever to Argentina that I can work out, or even to anywhere in South America, which somehow makes the fixation even stranger.

I OBVIOUSLY know his views aren't automatically hers, and I certainly don't want to hold someone responsible in my head for everything their partner posts. There were views my partners held that I didn't, and vice versa. Still.

AIBU to wonder whether I found the reason?

@CoventryCity Is there a nationality that would make this acceptable from your perspective? Feel free to imagine I’m a MAGA American if that makes the situation easier to visualise.

I think it’s highly likely to be deliberate, if perhaps unconscious. I would keep a record and, if you have sufficient examples already, I’d flag with line manager/HR that you have concerns.

If you’re Israeli and have spoken in support of the Israeli government committing a genocide, you’re not imagining it and she hates you

The thing is, If you are ‘American’, only an idiot would assume that you support Trump. If, however, you are, in fact, a MAGA Trump supporter, and are happy to defend his position, then yes, of course it will adversely affect some people’s opinion of you, given the contentious nature of his decisions and proclamations thus far. Not because of your nationality, but because of your views. Obviously that should never lead to bullying or discrimination, as it appears to have done in your case. Would a conversation with this person be possible? Often face to face communication is the way forward - whether with workplace relationships or international relations!

OP - I think you have your suspicions however to progress you need to work on a purely professional basis.

Pretend ‘racism’ wasn’t an issue - this woman is still not delivering content/work/instructions etc to you in a timely manner. Log all the instances and seek HR guidance on how to ask your boss to call her out on it.

And her dislike would be entirely reasonable. However, acting on it at work would not be and shouldn’t be happening. We all have to work with colleagues whose views we don’t share and sometimes whose views are completely odious. In a workplace though the point is to work well together.

Keep a diary of every incidents and how they are affecting your work.

Then I would raise this with your line manager first and escalate from here.

1. Israel’s government isn’t committing genocide. It’s a lie which been disproved but is very effectively serving its purpose in demonising Israel, Israelis and Jews worldwide.
2. OP I think you should purely concentrate on the issues in work and as has been suggested, respond to the late forwarding of requests etc, with a comment as to the lateness and copy in your line manager (is it the same person?). If she doesn’t change her behaviour soon, either speak with her 1:1 about it or raise it with her and a manager to sort this undermining behaviour out. I wouldn’t raise anything about her partner’s views at all.

Can you see if she has liked the post?

Israel’s government isn’t committing genocide. It’s a lie which been disproved but is very effectively serving its purpose in demonising Israel, Israelis and Jews worldwide.

As the thread has been derailed already, I can’t let this go. The assertion that the Israeli Government is committing genocide has only been disproved by the Israeli Government, which finds itself and the IDF innocent of any wrongdoing with monotonous regularity.
No-one needs to demonise the Israeli Government. It’s done a great job of that by its own actions, past and current. Of course it should go without saying that Israeli citizens and Jewish people worldwide are not to be held collectively responsible for the sins of the Israeli Government. Just as the people of Gaza should not have been held collectively responsible for the sins of Hamas. Yet they were…

You need to go to your manager and HR and give them a list of all the “oops I forgot to send you this work/ let you know about a meeting etc” plus then a screenshot of the partners views on your country. Don’t say anything else just allow them to add 2+2 together

I don't think you will ever know for sure what is behind her behaviour. It could be she dislikes you because of your nationality or because she just doesn't like you. And then her actions or inactions could be directly because of this dislike. Alternatively she could just be useless. You just have to go with your gut/intuition.

I shall comment as I see fit.

That’s not how racists operate.

Most racists know their views are socially unacceptable and if they openly come out with racist views in the workplace they will face disciplinary action. They’re not stupid.

So most racism outside of anonymous internet posts is insidious. It’s micro aggressions. Sly comments and small behaviours that you can’t quite pin down.

And until you’ve been on the receiving end you can’t empathise because it’s horrible and leaves you second guessing yourself.

Tetchy. I just wondered.

The UN Independent International Commission of Inquiry: This independent panel concluded that the State of Israel has committed and continues to commit acts of genocide.

Isrsel is responsible for the etchnic cleansing of Palestine , they are committing genocide and most of the world agrees on this though they are doing fuck all about it . To say it’s not genocode is like saying the holocaust didn’t happen …..Denial in the face of truth .

Its not antisemitic to denounce what the Israeli government are doing .

Hi OP. It really isn’t relevant what reason she has for this behaviour, the only thing you can reasonably do is keep a record as previously suggested to illustrate any pattern or trend in behaviour. Micro aggression can take so many forms from eye rolling, tutting, casual low level lack of civility, usually things that on their own don’t seem like much. Added all together they can really impact someone’s life. It’s always about the impact not the intent. It may be that you need to gather some concrete incidents and ask her if she is available to have a conversation to clarify whether something is wrong, and make sure you are able to approach it from a professional perspective. Keeping quiet is allowing the behaviour to continue Avoid saying “you have done x, y, z” but it may be that she needs to hear how her actions are being perceived and impacting your joint efforts. Things like- I want to make sure there is no issues between us that I need to be aware of, or I want to ensure we are aligned with x task, puts the ball in her court and makes clear you are willing to address it and have an uncomfortable conversation. If it goes badly, you can escalate. If it goes well, then you have had a result. Good luck with it all.

You think Gaza invaded Israel? I’m intrigued.

Is that you Bibi?

Oh, I think not. I’m well-versed in the basic facts. The UK Parliamentary Foreign Affairs Committee report on the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict states -

On 7 October 2023, Hamas launched by far the biggest surprise attack against Israel that had ever been experienced, in violation of the May 2021 ceasefire agreement between Israel and Hamas.

Sadly I think they lack the ability to learn from this.

Sadly, I think you do, too.

I'd be very surprised if someone was going with unprofessional conduct because of nationality.

You say youre all first generation immigrants which leads me to think its Israel / Palestine or Ukraine/Russia. Only because they are the only two countries where there is sufficient back story for the conspiracy elements.

I really feel for you but I'm not sure what the answer is. If it is one of those two national groups, I'd maybe even suggest recording the behaviours, then raising it with management purely to get it on the record.

@oneofthems
Give her a taste of her own poisonous medicine and very cleverly do it back to the bitch.