AIBU to suspect a colleague’s behaviour may relate to my nationality?

[oneofthems]

I have a colleague who is new to our function, although not new to the company, and from fairly early on I had the sense that something was quite off in her attitude towards me.

I hope people know what I mean. Nothing you can formally put your finger on, but a pattern of small things. Meetings I am left out of, emails that don't get forwarded, deliverables I am only brought into at the last possible moment. We are at the same level.

Every individual micro incident is absolutely in nothing to see here territory. Taken together (been six month) they paint quite a clear picture.

I thought I'd make a very intentional effort to build bridges. I looked at her public social media to see whether there was anything we might have in common, I don't know, something very innocent, a first step. Dogs, travel, hobbies, sport, whatever. Her own feed is very mainstream, mostly food, travel, family events and fashion, occasionally some local news reposted.

However, I discovered that her partner, whom she publicly tags as being in a relationship with, has a very specific prejudice against people of my birth nationality.

To anonymise this, imagine I'm Argentinian (I'm not), with apologies to any Argentinians reading. More than 50% of his posts are things (mostly reposts, with some crazy conspiracy-theory shit) along the lines of "deport all Argentinians back to Brazil if Argentina is so bad for them ", reposting crimes no matter how minor committed anywhere in the world by Argentinians, "lock Milei, lock Milei" protests, stats on Argentinian corruption, or claims that Argentinians are all Nazi descendants and shouldn't be allowed into the UK. I am actually surprised some of what he reposts is not automatically flagged by algorithms as hate speech.

Neither he nor she appears to have any connection whatsoever to Argentina that I can work out, or even to anywhere in South America, which somehow makes the fixation even stranger.

I OBVIOUSLY know his views aren't automatically hers, and I certainly don't want to hold someone responsible in my head for everything their partner posts. There were views my partners held that I didn't, and vice versa. Still.

AIBU to wonder whether I found the reason?

You will drive yourself mad trying to figure out the why.
I have the same thing my union have advised the informal route first diarise everything for formal.
I ended up going off midway through the day one day this week when I was excluded yet again and he was silly enough to write a email that's tone was obvious.

Goady

I’m not sure why you are troubling yourself about the reason. The problem is you are being left out of loops you need to be in - speak to your manager if it continues. Why really isn’t your problem.

Sounds more like conscious and unconscious bias. HR need to provide the offender with some "advice" and get her to do a training course!

Are you Muslim by any chance? Just wondering why you felt you had to anonymise your nationality!

You aren't imagining it. It's a form of racism and as you say, micro aggression.

Keep a log and raise it with a union rep/ manager etc.

Just keep records, as suggested.
You always know when a colleague is trying to undermine you in some way, for whatever reason. It doesn't matter, the work colleague is out of order.
If there is anyway of ensuring things are copied to both her and you are the same time, that would be a way to remove some of her power. Or flag up with others that you need to be copied into everything, to ensure info gets to you in time.

Oh grow up.

If that were the case we could educate racism out of existence. Unfortunately it seems to be hardwired into some people who think other skin tones, bloodlines, geography or cultures mean fundamental human differences. All racism is abhorrent, including yours.

Agree with this. You can’t bring to the table the views of her partner, because by trying to link his views to her is just a lot of whataboutery. You should just focus on the fact you’re not receiving information in a timely manner, and discuss with HR or your line manager. You can’t just accuse someone of something based on a theory you have. You have to back it up with evidence. As there is no evidence to link her with the views of her partner, then it doesn’t seem right to try and take it down that route.

I’m sorry you have to deal with this 😔 definitely keep a record of any incidents and maybe also screenshot some her and the partner’s posts (you might never need them but just in case you ever need to show the motive) - also echoing what other people have said, call her out when she doesn’t invite you to meetings or send emails onto you, ideally in front of other colleagues!

This is not meant to be goady, and I do understand why you and others feel so strongly. (Although I don’t think you afford people with different views the same understanding). What I really don’t understand, however, is why you consider it anti-Semitic to disagree with the actions of the Israeli Government, but not anti-American to disagree with the actions of the US Government or anti-British to disagree with the actions of the UK Government? Most people are able to differentiate between a nation’s citizens and its leaders. Why can’t you accept that? The overwhelming majority of those who abhor what the Israeli Government has done and is doing to the innocent people of Gaza, and now the West Bank, also abhor what happened to the innocent people of Israel in the attacks of 7/10.

@oneofthems “Everyone in in this story is a white first generation immigrant”, the three of you. Ok!

Sadly but truthfully he is entitled to his views, he is exercising his right to freedom of speech. Even his apparent racist views.

Best that you don’t look at his SM or hers for that matter. I am not on FB, instagram, Tik tok or any of that stuff so don’t understand how you can get into peoples lives like this and I think my life is better for it.

As for the work environment, yes she may be influenced by his views, the only thing you can do is to have contact with her solely on a professional level. Try not to let her exercise her micro aggressions on you. Does she have the power?

It sounds as if professionally you are equals. If she is that person, you’d want to have as little to do with her as possible.

But if her manner and behaviour are below
professional standards you should address this through the proper procedures.

Even if you were to approach her personally and ask what her problem was, what would you gain from it?

An over used word here on MN. Don't hear it irl.

Israel is not judism, its a country.
And you call others uneducated.

That isn't antisemitic because if this is the case, the colleague would be discriminating against OP due to her being Israeli, not due to her being Jewish. Antisemitism is - according to the Oxford Dictionary - 'hostility to, prejudice towards, or hatred and discrimination directed against Jewish people.'

'Meetings I am left out of, emails that don't get forwarded, deliverables..'

Call her out on these things verbally when they happen
If you didn't you should have raised this with her earlier from the start she was behaving this way
and then reported her.
I think you should document it in writing too
then you have a trail of contact to her
i.e send her an email of it.

She has no right to treat you this way.
She needs to learn she can't
what other things can you put your finger on call out those too.

i havent read the thread responses yet

She’s obviously completely out of order, whether it’s the nationality thing or not, and regardless of what nationality it is.

I agree with calling her out on unprofessional behaviour each time.

Out of interest, is it something as random as Argentina, or is it a country that potentially could affect like in the UK, eg your from the USA? I’m only asking because I think the more random it is, the more likely I think she’s bringing the random prejudice into work. Lots of people in the UK might post things about the USA (or if it’s Russia or something) because they’re worried it might affect them soon.

this kind of abuse is subtle
you usually second guess yourself

your feeling is that there is something wrong
but you question whether you are imagining it.

Please report her
Do not tolerate this behaviour
This is covert bullying /passive aggressive bullying

look online for some help on how to handle this covert abuse

❤️

im wondering if there is a way she can get into trouble by her actions
for example instead of compensating for her behaviour
when you are left out of meetings, not sent emails
deliverables etc not engaged with
then the consequences of that means she gets in trouble for it

If he is her partner she must know his views and if she's with him then by extension she probably is influenced by him or is as bad as him. I would definitely ask her every time why you have been excluded or even point out that she seems to treat you differently from everybody else and is there a particular reason for that?

Because Mumsnet would then, as usual, turn into a cacophony of posts telling the OP that the colleague's husband is absolutely right.

Hello OP

You know you're most probably right, but on the off chance you're not - she's still bullying you and it's no less serious.

HR/your bosses will want to get involved if her actions are having a detrimental effect on the business and you not being able to perform your role properly.

All you can do is present them with the facts. 'I don't know what the issue is, but Penelope is repeatedly leaving me out of meetings, not forwarding emails in a timely way etc.' Say you don't know if it's personal or if it's happening to other peiole, but you're not aware it is as she's so highly regarded. If you're very obviously Argentinian, and it's common for Argentinians to be targeted, let them join the dots.