AIBU to suspect a colleague’s behaviour may relate to my nationality?

[oneofthems]

I have a colleague who is new to our function, although not new to the company, and from fairly early on I had the sense that something was quite off in her attitude towards me.

I hope people know what I mean. Nothing you can formally put your finger on, but a pattern of small things. Meetings I am left out of, emails that don't get forwarded, deliverables I am only brought into at the last possible moment. We are at the same level.

Every individual micro incident is absolutely in nothing to see here territory. Taken together (been six month) they paint quite a clear picture.

I thought I'd make a very intentional effort to build bridges. I looked at her public social media to see whether there was anything we might have in common, I don't know, something very innocent, a first step. Dogs, travel, hobbies, sport, whatever. Her own feed is very mainstream, mostly food, travel, family events and fashion, occasionally some local news reposted.

However, I discovered that her partner, whom she publicly tags as being in a relationship with, has a very specific prejudice against people of my birth nationality.

To anonymise this, imagine I'm Argentinian (I'm not), with apologies to any Argentinians reading. More than 50% of his posts are things (mostly reposts, with some crazy conspiracy-theory shit) along the lines of "deport all Argentinians back to Brazil if Argentina is so bad for them ", reposting crimes no matter how minor committed anywhere in the world by Argentinians, "lock Milei, lock Milei" protests, stats on Argentinian corruption, or claims that Argentinians are all Nazi descendants and shouldn't be allowed into the UK. I am actually surprised some of what he reposts is not automatically flagged by algorithms as hate speech.

Neither he nor she appears to have any connection whatsoever to Argentina that I can work out, or even to anywhere in South America, which somehow makes the fixation even stranger.

I OBVIOUSLY know his views aren't automatically hers, and I certainly don't want to hold someone responsible in my head for everything their partner posts. There were views my partners held that I didn't, and vice versa. Still.

AIBU to wonder whether I found the reason?

Really? Not even russia/Ukraine or Israel?
Do you live in a bubble?

Document everything, respond via email. If you are left out of things and there’s a delay in doing the task then email her and cc your manager on the third time. Say this keeps happening what can we do to help you make sure this doesn’t happen again. Keep the language neutral.
Frame it as her incompetence as you don’t have proof it’s racially motivated.

OP, you must keep detailed notes but also start logging each of these incidents with her.
She thinks you haven't joined the dots, let her know that you have.

Next time it happens, specifically reference each and every time this has happened and ask that she requests work in a timely manner, not last minute.

You could also check with other staff if they get them last minute.
If not you can note that you have checked it out with colleagues.

Take screenshots of her partners posts.

Hm. I think I would start gently pushing back so that you have a record of you trying to resolve this yourself and who knows perhaps she will out herself.

'Dear colleague, please ensure that you include me at the start along with everyone else so that I can complete the work in good time.'

'Dear colleague, the project deadline will need to be extended to Monday as I was only informed this morning. Please inform the client and cc me in or I can let them know myself. In future I will need more notice.'

Make it seem like you are questioning her competance rather then her motives.

Either she will change her behaviour as she's concerned about how it makes her look or you will then end up with a number of messages archived from you asking her to include you, contact you, 'helping' her by reminding her to do things on time etc.

At this point I would consider going to HR for an informal chat. That you have tried to gently correct her behaviour but now you are concerned that you have been singled out for some reason as you have x examples of treatment only against you. You have recently 'by chance' seen that her partner hold these views and fear that this may be the reason.

You know your work place better then us so only you can judge how your HR would deal with this. Say to HR you wanted to raise the issue in case things escalated and are seeking their advice about next steps.

Yes quite.

You could start 'helpfully' offering advice to aid her organisation skills. Eg Forming email groups so that you are not missed off the cc list.

'Oh Janet you've done it again, did you not manage to action my suggestion? I can show you if you like!?'

Kill her with kindness.

1. check your work social media policy, take screen shots and anonymously report if any violated, or even if not, most of time there is a reputation element depending on what is being shared, surely there is a client reputation element
2. speaks to manager in totally deniable conversation I’m so concerned about x, she is always lfive days behind in her emails.. feel so bad even mentioning but she must need support. For the 5th time I worked the weekend to make up for a lack of notice. It obviously wouldn’t just won’t me….I didn’t want to say anything but genuinely starting to get soo concerned (and of course have the reciepts)
3. Around time manager has time to have think about this she/he will also hear from hr about her fb activity…

we dont all share our partner's views but the rest of her actions speak to you

Guess you don't live in the UK then because there is a lot of stupid people here who believe it is the same thing 🙄

You're not unreasonable to suspect the link but colleagues can be dicks for all sorts of reasons. I'd screenshot the stuff you found but would avoid making a formal link unless she slips up. All you can really evidence for now is that she's (at best) incompetent and it needs addressing. Don't try and befriend her though, it won't work and will make you feel small.

Thanks to everyone who's contributed. I am obviously playing the "reply and CC" game wherever I can, which I'd be doing anyway if I thought she was simply disorganised or incompetent. Probably to the point where I'm starting to look like the one with the problem, lol.

The difficulty is that her response is invariably perfectly plausible: "sheesh, sorry, I genuinely forgot there was a client lunch", or "Didn't you say you were planning to be on holiday? No? Oh, I'm so sorry." Every individual incident has an entirely innocent explanation.

But there are a thousand microscopic ways to make a colleague's working life unpleasant if you're so inclined, and it obviously isn't limited to just conveniently forgotten client emails. There have been so many near misses where somebody else has forwarded me a meeting invite or request, or documents I should have seen, or noticed I wasn't on a call and dialled me in, when realistically she should have been the person doing it.

It's a consulting/professional services environment where responsibilities aren't always very neatly formalised. A huge amount relies on goodwill, informal networks and conversations, keeping people in the loop, and generally being willing to play ball. That makes this sort of thing particularly difficult to distinguish from ordinary chaos, let alone prove.

I would probably change jobs before going to HR and alleging discrimination. On the facts I actually have, I think I'd look like a complete tool. She's never made a single adverse comment about my nationality, asked me anything inappropriate, or said anything remotely discriminatory to me. And, obviously, she isn't a copy of her partner.

It absolutely is racism. Even without the social media of her partner.
They'll do th usual thing of denying it because there's not one big event but it's loads of micro aggressions. Call it out straight away!

I can entire believe it.

I experienced micro aggressions from a colleague when I was part time after having had a child. It was so hard to prove it but it was a constant drip drip of small comments ,always highlighting when I wasn't available rather than when I was, making me a problem rather just we need to organise meetings when everyone can make it.

I had just got to the point of collating everything and starting to push back lightly eg as you aware Dave, I am.available these times. Happy for you to check my calendar to find a time that is good for you (on group emails after he kept trying to make me look bad) - when he got sacked for incompetence.

It's hard because sometimes other people don't believe you and they are generally careful never to do anything dramatic but I can totally relate and believe you.

I think light push back can work - and definitely collate evidence. Hope it all.works out.

There's a video on YouTube I believe, it's about a mosquito doing lots of tiny bites as a metaphor for the micro aggression experienced in racism. Show that to HR if there's any issues.
Are you in a union?

It isn't her social media, it's her partner's. I have no idea what he does for a living, although I vaguely remember that he has some sort of business.

From a purely human perspective I find it difficult to imagine happily sharing your life with someone who has made hating one particular nationality his favourite extracurricular activity, unless you're at least sympathetic to those views yourself.

No, not in a union - it is not a unionised profession.

The light pushback you are doing is exactly correct. Keep doing it.
There need to be consequences for her actions that deadlines are missed.
Again note them and cc the team.

Let others quietly notice that it always seems to be you.
ACAS could be a useful call.

They have a duty of care towards you and if there are dozens of emails from you alone highlighting these behaviours then their lack of care for you will be hard to defend when you bring it to their attention.

How regularly is this happening?
Weekly?

Cc widely when this happens is wise as it will definitely be noted if its a regular thing and only you.

This isn't really about your colleague's behaviour, is it?

Eh? What is it about then?

I would probably go a slightly different way on the cc's as it can make it look like you are the problem. I would save all the emailed excuses then send her the occassional one with the list of things she has forgotten, (brief and factual w impact but not emotion) asking if she needs help and then you can call in the higher ups if it continues
A smart bigot will stop, a stupid one will hang themselves
If you involve the masses it will create a show for them, stirring is inevitable and you will not come off untarnished

It's quite obvious you're referring to immigration, so I don't know why you didn't just say that I your OP. You're more concentrated on proving your colleague is a racist than looking at how the work situation can be resolved, even though you've had plenty of practical advice.

Everyone in this story is a white first generation immigrant.

Ive been in a situation where there were micro incidents which in themselves meant nothing. However as a collection they added up to a subtle form of bullying. Leaving a colleague out of the loop, withholding information and so on are indeed forms of bullying. How is the colleague when you address her directly? Is her manner chilly whereas she chats with other workmates.

The advice to log the incidents is wise. Her behaviour is not only unacceptable on a personal level but she is preventing you from doing your job adequately.

Hi LHF I got the complete opposite impression. I thought OP was here to check her suspicion because she wanted sense checking around any sensitivities she may have. She was clear she wasnt after advice about what to do about it (which we all gave her anyway 😆)

It must be that OP. No one has a relationship with someone who publicly posts 'I hate Argentinians' unless they also hate Argentinians. Outside of abuse / they can't leave, but then if I was in that position I'd lock my social media down or come off it so I want associated.

Each one of those things you've referenced is tiny yes. But actually I don't think you'd look unhinged to take it further. Everyone makes mistakes and some people have admin weaknesses, but no one makes the same mistake constantly, but only against one specific person, innocently

I would keep a record and present back to her. Keep it really friendly and neutral 'you've sent this over late 13x now, you've missed me off 6 meetings, 2 xlient lunches etc. I realised I might not have clarified my role ans how this all works so I wanted to formally reiterate -

• anything with x requirements please copy me in when you send it to everyone else
• please invite me to all meetings about y. If I don't think I'm needed I'll decline etc etc

Follow up in writing and then keep referencing this every time.

Also I know she is well regarded but if you've been there longer is there anyone else you can speak to? You have said other people have noticed you're not there and added you on. This is good as shows they want you to be involved and are also noticing (although may not realise the reasons behind it, buy the 'oh so sorry I forgot again even though I don't forget anyone else') type thing. I'd have a word with a couple of people, again unless there is anyone you're particularly close to I'd say you've noticed that Janet has forgotten to send you stuff, thanks for forwarding it on in the past, its happened a few times so would they mind until you can make sure you're back on all her distribution lists that they forward you everything as a back up. I wonder if it would be worth speaking to someone informally about it as well so there is some evidence if she tries to screw you over that you had concerns.

Also this is important- does she ever 'like' or heart or comment on her partners posts? If she did I'd think that would breach the social media policy snd also provide evidence. I'm guessing not given how careful she is at work though

Microaggressions are common in the workplace (and wider society) as I know after many years of experiencing them. Don’t bother to record and report to HR because nothing will ever be done. Keep your distance as much as possible from this colleague. Watch your back and beyond that try to pretend she doesn’t exist. Maintain your own standards and dignity. She’s not worthy of your headspace.

I’’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. It’s hurtful but I’m glad to have found a way of moving past it.

Also, I believe people create their own Karma: she’s undoubtedly a very unhappy woman.