Woman in underwear in own home

[Alee36]

I'm raging and need to know if I'm blowing this out of proportion.We live in a first floor maisonette, house conversion. We moved in a month and a bit ago and (granted) for two weeks we were without curtains or blinds. Our living room window is at the front of the house and we have a large bay, so the main section of the living area is quite set back from the window.

I have returned from a rare evening out to my husband relaying a conversation he had with the next door neighbour, who knocked on the door. For context we have not met this neighbour yet. Apparently the neighbour said they are having their guttering done at some point next week, and that they will do ours at the same time (lovely,thanks). He then went on to say that last time his contractor was here, he 'saw your partner walking around in her underwear'. This has really bothered me, and more so because my husband said he doesn't see the big deal. My feelings are these:

1. It was a heatwave
2. I was in my own home
3. It would have been huge granny pants akin to shorts and a vest or crop top- you'd see more scantily clad people in the park or at the beach
4. I wouldn't have been parading in front of the fucking window, but rather just living my life and walking through
5. My husband frequently walked around in his pants in the heatwave, unsurprisingly this wasn't mentioned
6. Call me old fashioned, but a gentleman would avert his gaze and crack on with his job?

Overall, why on earth has a contractor passed on this information to our neighbour and why has my neighbour thought it appropriate to then tell my husband? Isn't that weird? That me in my underwear at home is being discussed in a chain of men. Like wtf? If he was trying to be helpful he could have had some tact, and said oh by the way we can see in your windows or something along those lines. I just find it bizzare and inappropriate, and actually quite sexist. Woman in underwear in own home- alert the press. In other news, bikinis allowed on beaches and forks found in kitchen.

Also they are doing the guttering at 'some point next week', so am I to hide out all next week lest I offend with my pjs or whatever I want to wear in my own fucking home?!

AIBU?

Yes, poor man. I'm such a siren in my vests and granny pants, walking from my sofa to the kitchen a few times, 3 weeks ago. It's basically the red light district at my house 😂Don't come past here lest you want to meet a temptress from whom you simply cannot look away! Alert the church.

Yes that may be, but overall your point was that no one is not understanding, which is simply not true is it. Are you my neighbour? 😂 You seem very invested. Or maybe you're my dh 😂

😂

And someone fetch my smelling salts!

I would want to know about it if someone could see me. tbh they are probably trying to help you out by letting you know that they can see in when doing this work. Rather than not tell you and creepily spy on you, they are saying ‘did you know people can see you in your pants through the window and if we can see you others who are not as decent might see you and take pictures etc’
why would you not want to know this?
they probably could have put it a better way, but it was probably said in good faith to protect your modesty than any other reason.

'the last time my contractors were here your wife was walking around in her underwear'.

That isn't what was in your OP. Your OP says "the contractor saw your wife walking around in her underwear"..

There is a massive difference, saying 'your wife was walking round in her underwear' implies you were doing something wrong, which is the way you have incorrectly taken it, and that isn't actually what he said or meant. Saying the contractor saw you, is informing you that the contractor was able to see into your flat at a time that you were undressed.

He is letting you know because some people would be absolutely mortified to come face to face with a contractor at a first floor window while they were only in their underwear, he isn't passing judgement, he is telling you so you can make an informed decision next time the contractor is coming, which was the reason he came round in the first place, to tell you when he was coming back.

It IS a heads up and you are being thoroughly obtuse trying to make it into something it isn't. To be honest, fair play to him, because that is an awkward conversation to have, but he may be worried about his contractor being labelled a pervert.

I wander about my house in all sorts of things, some skimpier than others. If anyone has noticed they’ve never said, but I’d be amused more than anything if they did. Let’s face it, with the weather being hot recently there have been some fair old sights to see in the towns etc, I’m pretty sure though that you can wear what you like in your own home.

I think you're being rather more definitive about his intentions than I was! You can interpret it as an entirely well meaning headsup, and that's fair enough, but neither of us actually knows what he meant by it do we.

My post was asking precisely because I wasn't sure how to interpret the comment. I found it odd that he specifically told my husband that a contractor had seen me in my underwear, rather than simply saying that the contractors could see into our flat and giving us a heads-up for next time.

And I don't think the distinction you've drawn between “your wife was walking around in her underwear” and “the contractor saw your wife walking around in her underwear” is quite as enormous as you're suggesting. In both cases, the salient information he chose to relay to my husband was that I had been seen in my underwear.

As for the suggestion that he might be worried about his contractor being “labelled a pervert”, that's a fairly extraordinary leap. I did question in my op why the contractor didn't simply avert his eyes rather than mention seeing me to the neighbour, who then chose to relay it to my husband. Questioning why that chain of information was necessary is not remotely the same thing as accusing someone of being a pervert. Nothing I've said suggests I think the contractor deliberately watched me, had sexual motives, or is some sort of threat.

You may well be right that it was completely innocent and intended kindly, several people have offered that interpretation and I've taken it on board. But calling me “thoroughly obtuse” because I found the whole interaction uncomfortable seems a strange take, particularly while presenting your own interpretation of a conversation you weren't present for as established fact.

I found it odd that he specifically told my husband that a contractor had seen me in my underwear, rather than simply saying that the contractors could see into our flat and giving us a heads-up for next time.

But it is the same thing, the only difference being if the man said the contractor could "see in your flat" you may think "meh, so what?" without realising he saw you in your underwear, so he had to add that part IMO to make you aware of the reason he as telling you.

I think the best way to think about it is, why would he care if you were in your underwear? why would the contractor care? why would anyone care seeing as you are in a first floor flat?.. The answer is they wouldn't, but they may think YOU would care if you were aware of it.. maybe if they have mums / wives / girlfriends / sisters / daughters and they know it would bother THEM, it's not a leap to think it could bother you too.

It's too awkward a conversation to have to be anything other than well meaning IMO, but everyone sees what they want to see.

That's more than fair that you'd want to know, so this would have been helpful for you, and welcomed and that's valid.

Interested to know though, why the alternative to telling my husband that I'd been seen in my underwear is “creepily spying” on me. There's a fairly obvious third option: accidentally see somebody, avert your eyes and carry on with your day!

He may have been well intended for sure.

Exactly, when even look into your window? There wasn't even any need to look.

It's not a leap. I can accept well intended, poorly executed. I have said it over and over after hearing people's view point. That said, I find the mums/wives/girlfriends/sisters/daughters comparison a slightly odd way of looking at it. I'm not sure to be assessed according to what the women in somebody else's life might be comfortable with is appropriate. I was in my underwear in my own home, during a heatwave, before we'd got curtains up, in a first-floor room that ordinarily has nobody outside its window. I don't consider that particularly remarkable, but different generations, view points and so on.

If somebody tells me “just so you know, when the contractors are working up there they can see straight into your flat”, I can infer the rest for myself. I know what I do and don't wear in my own home, and I can decide whether I'm comfortable with somebody being able to see me without needing the specific occasion on which I was in my underwear reported back to me, via my husband.

And actually, whether I happened to be wearing underwear, pyjamas, shorts and a T-shirt or a bloody ball gown, doesn't really change the useful information, which is that somebody working at that height can see into a window that ordinarily isn't overlooked. I might be uncomfortable being watched while fully dressed, or completely unbothered about being glimpsed in my underwear. That's for me to decide. So I still don't see why what I was specifically wearing needed to become part of the message.

“too awkward to be anything other than well meaning”. The fact that something is awkward doesn't tell us what somebody's motivation was. People can create awkward situations to be dicks, doesnt automatically make it some heroic self sacrificing act. If anything, the awkwardness is part of what made me question why the specific underwear detail needed to be relayed at all!

Yes? I'm not particularly bothered by the incident anymore. I'm quite enjoying the discussion about it though. Those aren't mutually exclusive things 😂

I didn't realise “no longer upset about something” required me to lose all interest in discussing it. That would rather defeat the purpose of a discussion forum.

DD and I did once see a man naked in his bedroom whilst in my car at the junction opposite.

I haven't said, or even implied, that anyone is “too thick to grasp” my point. I said I'm amazed by the number of people who don't seem to understand the distinction I'm making. Those aren't the same statement, disagreement doesn't make somebody thick, and misunderstanding somebody's point doesn't make them thick either.

I'm also not particularly obliged to produce a bespoke one-sentence summary for you 😂. My OP explained what happened and why I found it odd, and I've clarified it repeatedly since. I'm sure you're perfectly capable of reading it.

But since you've asked, here you go:

I have no issue whatsoever with being told that contractors could see into my ordinarily unoverlooked first-floor flat; I found it odd and unnecessary that the fact I'd been seen during a heatwave in very substantial underwear, essentially the coverage of shorts and a vest top, was passed from the contractor, to my neighbour, and then specifically relayed to my husband.

That's it. That's the “point”. Hope that helps.

Ugh, hate the 'us vs you' stuff.

You seem far more invested in whether I'm enjoying this than I am in the actual thread. Perhaps you can tell me how I'm feeling when you've finished monitoring it 😂