AIBU no engagement ring

[throwaway1234566]

My partner and I have agreed to get married. We’ve been together ten years and we’re not exactly spring chickens so I’m perfectly fine with it being a conversation instead of a proposal. However, he hates jewellery so a ring is out of the question and it’s getting to me a bit and I don’t know why. AIBU? Be honest please. I need a kick up the bum!

Aww, you’re an amazing mama to have such an amazing son

Literally tell him, “Hey Fred, I know you hate jewellery, but I don’t! I really want a symbol of our engagement to wear…so let’s pop down to Ernest Jones and have a look!”

Or something to that effect! Only way to get what you want!

I love this ❤️

Urgh, he sounds horrible. Selfish snd tight! If he doesn't like jewellery, he doesn't have to wear it!
Don't sell yourself short with this - you are allowed to want and have a decent engagement ring, not some cheap tat bought out of embarrassment. He needs to get his head out of his arse and start showing some care and respect for your feelings. If he won't do this, you shouldn't be marrying g him.

To you.

Whereas mine mean the world to me because DH died shortly after we married and they feel like a last connection to him.

What is the point or “engagement” these days?

Same as it’s always been 🤷🏻‍♀️

Only on MN is it pointless and immature to do perfectly normal things that most people posting did at some point earlier in life. It’s ever so tiresome.

Same point it's always been? I don't understand your comment about these days?

That certainly isn’t true. Engagement was important in the past as a way of taking the woman off the marriage market, and marking a new stage of intention and intimacy before marriage. I mean, in the 19thc, an unengaged middle-class couple wouldn’t have been allowed to be in private together unchaperoned, or to have written to one another, or given one another gifts. The proposal might have been the first time they were fully aware of one another’s feelings, and it took place after the man obtained parental permission and had his finances checked.

If you’ve been happily committed life partners and cohabiting for years in 2026, and have a couple of children together, there’s literally no point to engagement. It’s like foot binding, or some other anachronism.

If the woman wants a ring on her ring finger to declare that she has committed herself to a particular individual, it is a public announcement. A ring she likes to wear is an aesthetic choice. Ideally one that pleases both.

Tell him it matters to you and that you would like a ring. It doesn't necessarily have to be flashy or expensive but you would like something. If he says no, he is not prioritising you.

Thank you so much everyone. Your comments have made me realise why I feel so weird about it which is a big help. I’ve had some awful relationships and can promise this is an amazing man with a really weird issue with jewellery. He’s not cheap or weird in any way, but he doesn’t always get the importance of social conventions. I am marrying him, albeit I want the marriage more than the wedding. I know why it’s weird now and I know it needs vocalising. Really huge thanks to everyone who voted and/or commented ❤️

Wishing you every happiness and a lovely life. Jewellery is a very odd issue. It has value and is easily concealed and very portable, so it's the obvious choice in an uncertain world. But it is also the big display or reveal. I have never liked a big rock but I love the skill of jewellery, and the beauty. Gemstones are the only things we take from the earth's crust and make more beautiful.

I do think you should pluck up courage to tell him how much you'd love him to buy a ring. Failing that please buy yourself one that you love and show it off here. I love an engagement ring thread!

You could argue that half of women buy their own because of pooled finances in a household.

This way you get what you want and he doesn’t have to suffer through a ring shop. I would be questioning why someone who purports to love you is so against getting you jewellery when it would make you happy and it is traditional rather then excessive though. Or why you want to marry someone so much that you would compromise on something you clearly care about, what would he compromise on.

you can go straight to a wedding band with diamond accents, a combination engagement/wedding ring.

Would it be massively sad if I bought my own?
You can do what you like but I dont see the point in engagement rings.
It seems very old fashioned. I dont know any one in the last 30 years that has an engagement ring and weddings rings are becoming less popular as well,it seems!

Same point it's always been? I don't understand your comment about these days?
The point was there was an engagement party and people bought gifts to help start "the bottom drawer"
Seeing that most prope live together and have every thing they need usually, it eliminates that part of the journey to being married.

Get yourself a ring and tell him to get over himself!! If it makes you happy he should be getting you a ring, isn't that what it's all about?

I don't understand why he not liking jewellery would mean that he wouldn't get you an engagement ring when you want one. What did he say? Talk to him and tell him how you feel. If you are getting married, you need to be able to do this. It could be simple and/ or vintage.

As a woman who often doesn't get the importance of social conventions, can I be curious here? What is the importance of the engagement ring social convention?

Back in time golden jewerelly served as woman's escape fund/backup money.

In the 20th century, less than 10% couples did it, and American diamond dealers run a huge marketing campaing to turn it into a modern social convention. There isn't any real depth behind it, just a clevel marketing making women feel they need one. I hate marketing which makes women feel inadequate fpr nonsencical reasons.

(I'm married, small ceremony, without an engagement ring. Noone asked to see it, but if they did, I'd answer that I haven't decided yet whether I want one)

Genuinely, I think it's a massive red flag that your fiance, the man who apparently loves you enough to want to marry you, won't buy you a ring because "he doesn't like jewellery". I could understand if it was something controversial, or super duper expensive, but a ring? Nah.

Plenty of couples shop for a ring together could that be an option? , otherwise it’s selfish of him not to get you a ring just because he doesn’t like jewellery, he should respect that it’s important to you.

I bought my engagement ring myself because at the time I was earning more and if I wanted one it seemed fair...

I never wanted an engagement ring so have never had one dont see the point really