AIBU no engagement ring

[throwaway1234566]

My partner and I have agreed to get married. We’ve been together ten years and we’re not exactly spring chickens so I’m perfectly fine with it being a conversation instead of a proposal. However, he hates jewellery so a ring is out of the question and it’s getting to me a bit and I don’t know why. AIBU? Be honest please. I need a kick up the bum!

It’s only sad because he can’t do something that makes you happy and is prioritising how he feels about something. That’s so selfish. It’s about the principle of it for me. You deserve a ring!

My husband proposed spontaneously without a ring and like you, it was important to me but not him. We were young and I probably didn't handle it that well and it became and argument and then he bought me one I didn't really like! Which will always remind me of that argument. So, I'd suggest buying it yourself, maybe going shopping for it together. I think some men just don't get that the first question you'll be asked is.... 💍?

And tight by the sounds of things.

Some people say it's like branding/ownership. I don't agree, but some people think a lot of wedding stuff is patriarchal (woman more likely to wear a ring, white dress for virginity), and they have the right to their opinion, but it shouldn't be more important than the opinion of the actual woman wearing it.
Or is he worried about the money? Picking one you don't like?
Say you want to go and pick a (reasonably priced one) together.

Can’t you both go ring shopping together, maybe even pay for it jointly?
Something I didn’t learn early enough in my marriage is that it shouldn’t matter that it doesn’t matter to him, it matters to you, and if you matter to him, then he should listen to your needs on this.

Many congratulations on your engagement OP. Ask him when you are going shopping for an engagement ring, explain it’s important to you. YANBU at all to want an engagement ring. Have fun choosing.

Genuinely, thank you for all the comments. He really isn’t tight. It really is about the hatred of jewellery.

I haven’t even told my mum we’re getting married because I’m a bit embarassed by the lack of ring thing.

Who cares if he hates jewellery. So bizarre. Do his opinions generally carry more weight in your relationship?

Isn’t it interesting that he ‘hates’ something that would cost him time, effort and money?

Please don’t buy your own ring, OP. It would make you feel sad whenever you looked at it, because it would remind you WHY you bought it.
It’s not about the ring, though that is now clearly a symbol, and not in the traditional way. It’s not about what his views are on jewellery. It’s about the type of guy you are now throwing your lot in with. I can’t even bring myself to say Congratulations 🙁

Sorry for the downbeat reply - I feel like you deserve better than this dude.

Why do you need a kick up the bum and why does him not liking jewellery mean you can't have a ring? Only read OP so far.

I would say's congrats but this sounds joyless

But why does he think his hatred of jewellery is relevant? How does the conversation go?

Engagement rings predate Instagram by quite some way.

Well he’s really taken the shine of it with his ‘hatred’ hasn’t he, of something that he doesn’t have to wear.

Im actually angry on your behalf; buying your own ring out of embarrassment is fucking tragic and you will never look at it and feel what you’re meant to feel upon getting engaged.

Bit weird tbh. I also got engaged after many years with my partner (we already had one child) and he was excited to buy me a ring, because it’s fun to enjoy your life and make people happy, right?!

You can tell people you're getting married without a ring. The ring is irrelevant.

I'm married and haven't got an engagement ring because I didn't want one. If you do want one then you should get one and choose it yourself. Alternatively, if the wedding is likely to be fairly soon then why not get a wedding ring with diamonds (or other stones) in it?

It’s not sitting right that he is putting his hate of jewellery over your feelings of happiness, joy and what should be a milestone together. Im sorry that it’s taken the shine off what should be a time of celebration.

Will he allow you a wedding band, OP? 🤔

I have a wedding ring, engagement ring and an eternity ring and l don't wear any of them and haven't for years . We have been married 44 years and they mean nothing in the grand scheme of things.

It really doesn't matter if he hates jewellery, he's not wearing it

Just read your post out to 13 year old DS, without comment.
His response:
It’s not about what he wants in terms of the ring, it’s about what YOU want, because you should be his number one priority. The person I would love and propose to would be my number one priority.

Mine was bought from our joint bank account, I'm the higher earner. It really didn't bother me paying towards my ring. BUT that's not the point really. Your partner doesn't want you to have a ring and you're so embarrassed you haven't even told people what is meant to be the happiest news in the world. Just let that sink in... you are embarrassed because of his weird control issues.

He should want you to have a ring because you want one and he wants to make you happy. No one ‘hates’ jewellery to that extent!

Yes, this. We decided to get married after many, many years together and skipped the whole engagement thing. I mean, we’d been a committed couple for years and years. It would have felt a bit Victorian, but tbh, it never even occurred to either of us. It would have felt as if we were going back to a far earlier stage of our relationship. Definitely get a ring if you would like one.

I entirely chose my own ring, he would have never known what to get, they all look the same to him and he would probably have chosen something huge I could never wear. There was no need for his input. Once I had a ring he got down one knee and attempted a fully romantic proposal in the kitchen. Neither of us could keep a straight face. It's a great memory that reminds me of why we are together. We are pragmatic and reasonable and share a sense of humour. Save the romantic gestures for the movies.