Wedding related would you do this? Outside perspective needed.

[EugenieGreen]

This is not a thread about decisions B&G have made.

Every one of the same ‘status’/‘tier’ has been treated exactly the same. No one has been singled out.

One spouse has been invited to a wedding on their side. Large famous hotel, they do not have exclusive use of this hotel but obviously have exclusive use of certain rooms etc.

The uninvited spouse wants to stay at the hotel which their spouse has paid for (at slightly discounted price). Watch a film in peace, use gym/ spa luxuriate a bit. Would be nowhere near wedding party, would not impinge, would not hang out with in-laws and spouse whose family it is, would not feel the need at any point to check in on spouse.

Aunt/mother of groom says not acceptable.

if you were spouse would you do this or do you think it’s rude? **

JFC what a fucked up idea.

Go to the hotel.

Personally, I think I'd cancel though.

True, but even if everyone in their "tier" knows it doesn't mean everyone does.

Let's say Steve the drunken uncle is ambling round the hotel after dinner. Spots OP in the other bar - "Barbara, why aren't you at the wedding?". "Oh I wasn't invited, it's fine, I'm just enjoying the hotel"

Steve heads back into the wedding, accosts the Groom "Hey, how come Barbara can't come to the wedding, she's in the other bar, at least let her in for the evening"

Awkwardness ensues.

Why is it embarrassing? Have you never been to a hotel and went to a spa and a stranger happened to be getting married at the hotel that day? How is that any different? She's not going to the wedding and isn't going to be any part of the wedding, she is simply using a hotel room and hotel spa for their intended use

Totally fine. Why waste the opportunity for a relaxing, luxurious night away.
might even work out advantageous the day after if invited spouse is a little worse for wear for driving home

So are all the other people staying in the hotel that night also embarrassing? The bride and groom haven't paid for exclusive use of the hotel so anyone can stay and use the facilities. If they didn't want anyone else staying they would have paid for exclusive use but they didn't so they must be comfortable with it, it's only MOG that has an opinion not the B&G

I'll think "fuck off" without saying it.... and smile and talk stupid nonsense "sorry you feel this way" or some other idiotic platitude while refusing to engage.

They are bonkers.

Embarrassing is denying yourself nice experiences because of completely made up etiquette that only exists inside your head and isn't remotely representative of reality.

Unless the bride and groom have paid for the ENTIRE hotel (they haven't though have they) then what business is it of theirs if you make use of the TV, sauna, gym etc? The invited spouse literally paid for the room. That makes it yours for the night. It isn't like you're barging your way uninvited into their house.

If no spouses at all have been invited, then yes there's likely no bad blood, just the way they've chosen to do things.

You going isn't "embarrassing" as someone said. It would be if you were the only one being excluded because you'd previously got drunk and lunged at the groom or something.

There was a poster here last year who stopped being invited to weddings because she always got so drunk that her friends got fed up and stopped inviting her out. Obviously as this is not the case, then go and enjoy the spa.

OP, if I were you I just wouldn’t bother. If B&G have got a bee in their bonnet about it just stay away - luxuriate in peace at home and have a bath and read a good book and watch what you like on tv.

Hanging around a wedding (which is what it’ll look like even if not what you intend) just looks weird and desperate and creates a bit of a guilty atmosphere as if you’re putting pressure on being asked to just go ahead and join in since you’re there anyway. There’s bound to be dinner/drinks night before and breakfast x 2 and other guests using same facilities so it’ll be pretty clear you’re there.

That’s totally illogical. Why should they not stay in the same room as their spouse/partner? It doesn’t make one iota of difference to the B&G or their families.

If the room has been paid for by the spouse and its not a single rate, then I'd definitely go. Id probably only use the room to sleep in and have a meal out or use room service, but they cannot dictate who stays in the hotel as they dont have sole use.

If the wedding couple have paid for the room then it is up to them.

What does the spouse want to do? Will they be able to say nothing about the other person being there during the wedding? Not that it should be a secret, but its no-one else's business if all above board.

It's one of those situations where, if you take emotion out of it, then logically it seems fine BUT, people DO have emotions, and it 'feels' wrong.

Early on, someone said 'passive aggressive' and I'd agree with that. It feels like the spouse is making a point.

If I weren't invited to the wedding I'd have a peaceful weekend at home. It just feels like sh*t stirring to rock up to the hotel the wedding is in, when 1/2 the guests will know you and will think wtf? if they bump into you.

@EugenieGreen who is the MoG to you and why does her opinion carry any weight in this matter?

How will they even know the non invited spouse is even there?!

I think it’s a bit weird. It’s like not being invited to a party and sitting outside in your car all night waiting to pick up a friend.

"Seziah · Today 14:22
I think it’s completely fine, the couple don’t own the hotel, you’re not planning to crash the wedding and the room had to be paid for anyway by the spouse so they could attend the wedding. I wouldn’t say any more about it, I’d just go and keep out of everyone’s way so they didn’t know I was there"

"I don't see anything wrong with this. If OP's OH is paying for a room in a lovely hotel, then why shouldn't OP go and have a nice time? She's not planning on gatecrashing the wedding!"

"The MOG has no right to stop the spouse being in areas of the hotel where other non-wedding guests can be, including a room not paid for by the B&G. The MOG is probably uncomfortable that the spouse might pop up at the wedding or within view of the invited guests and make things awkward/ help themselves to food and drink. But as long as that's not the case, it's fine. Id probably say that's ok, I understand, point taken and then just discreetly do what you want."

All of this with bells on. It might be different if the B&G were paying for the room and/or if you had plans to crash the wedding but as it stands it's simply none of the MOG's business. And if all the non-invited spouses want to come to the same arrangement, that is also none of her business.

I had a vaguely similar thing with a conference I attended eons ago in a nice hotel. Work paid for a basic room for me. I paid for an upgrade so that DH and our then little children could come too. They entertained themselves whilst I was at the conference and doing related networking and then we were together at other times.

It’s obviously fine bit it’s also basically daring someone to cause an argument.

Don’t invite the cousins then? Or only the ones you’re closest to. You’re not telling me you talk to all of them regularly.

Hm - find you want, but as long as you can guarantee you won’t cross paths.

to be honest I wouldn’t go in case it was interpreted as a passive aggressive ‘I will go where I want’ dick move.

it really depends on the relationship with the bride and groom and whether you want this remembered for decades ‘we didn’t invite poison ivy, but there she was, peeping out from behind the palm tree in the hotel foyer’

The same thing that happens at breakfast time for all the other paying guests in the hotel that have nothing to do with the wedding.

Do you imagine that the bride and groom have "forbidden" any non-wedding guests from eating breakfast at the expensive hotel that they have paid good money for?

No. Weird to lurk at the venue of a wedding you aren’t invited to just to get vfm out of the room.

Why not? It sounds like it has amazing facilities and why isn’t every other non invited spouse not doing the same

No I wouldn't. I think it would be seen as provocative. Not invited, not going. Not missing much and not tip toeing around in case I was seen. Nope not worth it.

In fact I hate weddings so much that I would be delighted not to be invited in the first place anyway!

God, I'd go and enjoy being in the posh hotel! I would probably try and keep out of the way a bit though.

There was a thread about the same situation fairly recently.so it's obviously a situation that arises now and again.

They are worried all the other spouses will do it and collectively show up the wedding party!