Wedding related would you do this? Outside perspective needed.

[EugenieGreen]

This is not a thread about decisions B&G have made.

Every one of the same ‘status’/‘tier’ has been treated exactly the same. No one has been singled out.

One spouse has been invited to a wedding on their side. Large famous hotel, they do not have exclusive use of this hotel but obviously have exclusive use of certain rooms etc.

The uninvited spouse wants to stay at the hotel which their spouse has paid for (at slightly discounted price). Watch a film in peace, use gym/ spa luxuriate a bit. Would be nowhere near wedding party, would not impinge, would not hang out with in-laws and spouse whose family it is, would not feel the need at any point to check in on spouse.

Aunt/mother of groom says not acceptable.

if you were spouse would you do this or do you think it’s rude? **

That's not what they're doing, though, is it? They're not going anywhere near the 'feast'. They're staying in a hotel room that they booked and paid for and using the facilities, while everyone else is at the feast. The 'feast' isn't going to be in the spa and steam room. Their paths aren't going to cross.

I wouldn't do this.

Physically, it doesn't make any actual difference whether two people stay in the room or not.

But it will make a slight difference to the wedding itself. If the bride and groom know you're there, then they may feel a bit guilty about it. There might be a conversation about whether to invite you to the brunch the next morning.

Or you might see other people who are going to the wedding around the hotel, or when checking out. They might ask why you're not attending the wedding. Or they might ask the B&G, which then triggers a slightly awkward conversation.

None of these things are major, but it's a minor impoliteness that I wouldn't want to impose on them.

Yes, OP is right.

As I said, in my pp uninvited and not invited are the same. If the invitation was given and then rescinded the word is disinvited.

The aunt/mother of the groom is batshit. There's absolutely no issue here.

This whole wedding sounds insane. Wouldn't go anywhere near it regardless of etiquette. Go any have a nice weekend somewhere else and avoid the drama.

If everyone can be grown up enough to understand why spouses aren't invited, then everyone can be grown up enough to understand a spouse discretely staying in a hotel.

Otherwise what is supposed to happen next? Separate attendance at events involving the bride and groom forever more because it's all just too awkward?

I was wrong about the meaning of ‘uninvited’! Thank you posters for correcting me.

They should just go - just don't discuss it any further with MOG or announce it to anyone else and they won't know!

Obviously yet another couple booking a wedding they can’t afford for Instagram pics. Marriage probably won’t last, so superficial.

Bit of a reach, that.

What they've actually done is booked the wedding they CAN afford, by keeping the numbers down. Some people need to keep things small. Nobody's automatically entitled to be part of a wedding.

To say a wedding is superficial and won't last because the couple have a strict limit on guest numbers is just bollocks. Doing their wedding their way doesn't make them superficial.

Also, note that the bride and groom are totally fine with the OP using the hotel room her spouse has paid for. They've done nothing wrong. It's only the groom's mother who is weirdly kicking off.

So yes, obviously the OP should use the room. But the bride and groom aren't at fault here.

@LiquoriceAllsorts2

Sorry I thought your post that I commented on was to me.

I just re-read your post and realised that you were confirming what I said with another poster.

If the invited spouse is paying for the room, then s/he can use it in any way they see fit.

But even if the parents of one of the bridal couple are paying for the room, I don't see why the uninvited spouse shouldn't stay there as well. However, I can understand why the person paying (if it's not the invited spouse) might see it as disrespectful or cheeky.

I know you don't want anyone to talk about the non-invitation of a spouse but it comes across as mean and inhospitable. Just really mean.

The OP says everyone of the same tier has been treated the same and nobody has been singled out, so I'm assuming she isn't the only partner who isn't invited and the other guests will know that (and may not have their own spouses with them). When she said 'one spouse hasn't been invited' she means one partner in her own marriage, not one spouse out of many couples.

So I don't think there would be awkwardness.

It would be different if the OP was literally the only person in their acquaintance who wasn't invited.

Why not just leave the wedding party to it instead of creeping about in the background. As I said, it’s embarrassing.

The uninvited spouse wants to stay at the hotel which their spouse has paid for (at slightly discounted price).

Oooo, just realised (duh, RTFT Wadsworthy) the invited spouse has paid for the room. Presumably as a couple, that means the uninvited spouse has also paid - family money!

So the mother of the groom is wrong & mean.

And generally, the whole thinking is just so inhospitable - a wedding is to celebrate a couple entering adult life and blending families. The exclusion of spouses of family members - cousin of the groom - is mean and stingy.

She wouldnt be "creeping around" anywhere anymore than the other guests in the hotel would be. They have not got exclusive use so there will be other guests that are nothing to do with the wedding.

I think it would be different if it was exclusive use because then the only other guests would be wedding guests, but in this case, its fine.

I can't see why it should be a problem. Surely there will be plenty of other univited guests ie. members of the public staying and using the facilities in a hotel. Who cares if you stay in your DH's room.

As long as you are not trying to gate crash any aspect of the wedding, which you are clearly not, why would they care.

Mother of the Groom can piss right off.

One half of a married couple is attending a wedding. Uninvited spouse has no intention of being present at any of the wedding, including the breakfast for invitees next morning.

If you are staying at the wedding hotel, the implication is that it is a fair distance from where you live; otherwise you would be driving or getting a taxi home. Hotel stays are expensive, so you'd only stay if that was the most practical option. Since you're staying away at some expense to yourself, you might want to make the most of it - e.g. if the wedding was on the Saturday, use the Sunday to look round local beauty spots before the drive home. You're not going to want to do that by yourself, but you would if your spouse was with you.

Spouse's presence in the hotel room is none of their business. I'd be interested to know if they were able to verbalise precisely why this was "not acceptable". As I have already mentioned - Mother of the Groom can piss right off.

It's fine, if you are paying for the room why not let your spouse come along and enjoy it as a getaway. It doesn't involve or affect anyone else, why does anyone else need to be involved.

That's what I was thinking. I imagine MOG is thinking well if x y and z all come and it becomes a good idea, everyone says yes we will do that too! All their spouses hang out in the rooms, that just does make the whole event bigger. Ends up with a separate group in the bar of cousin spouses and it merges with the wedding.

That might be fine in some ways- I can't imagine it ever being a problem in my family!
However in this family who knows, if there are already differences of opinion among the older generation about who should be there the MOG is maybe trying to avoid a family fuss ("Sharon and Karen brought their husbands Kevin and Bevan, but our second cousin Georgina WASN'T EVEN INVITED!")

I would totally go, because I love the idea of room service, sneaking out to the spa at the same time as the wedding speeches, and getting a lovely luxury early night at the hotel..I wouldn't try to set up a secret cousin spouse after party tho.

It seems a bit 'I know X wasn't invited, but they're coming in some capacity anyway' - I wouldn't do it.

It's absolutely fine. If we'd paid for a room in a fancy hotel then I would be making use of it! Obviously I'd stay completed out of sight all the time, but a wallow in the spa, room service etc. sounds bliss (and nicer than a wedding tbh)...

None of the MoG's business whatsoever.
Was she hoping to give the other side of the bed to another relative?
Really none of her business.

Theoretically there's nothing wrong with it. In practice, there's obvious potential for awkwardness and people being stupid over it, so I'd need to be keen enough on going to outweigh that risk. Possibly depends on the crowd.

You shouldn't have asked for permission, just done it!

I used to do this when DH travelled for work and stayed in posh hotels, I stayed in the room and went to the spa etc whilst he went to work.

His colleagues never even knew as everyone travelled separately.

Nothing wrong with doing that.