Childcare woes

[Oldandtirednow]

This is not so much of a AIBU; rather WWYD?
My son has two children. One was 2 in July and the other was born in August. So very much a new born.
Partner comes from wealthy background. Has had to fight for nothing. Privately educated but who still cannot get a job that she can support herself.

they are currently living in my sons house. She used to live in a flat that her parents owned.
He has a very well paid job. £250+. So money not tight.
they live about 3 hours away.
I am spending way too much time there and am exhausted, as well as having no life of my own because she “cannot cope” with two of them on her own.
he does nearly all the childcare and all of the housework and cooking.

he Wfh and she regularly interrupts him to do childcare if I am not there.
Part of me wants to tell them just to get on with it. But I know if I am not there he will be taking time off for childcare plus housework, which may mean he loses his job.
they have a nanny starting soon but I know they will also want me.
I know it is none of my business how they run their lives. But it feels like my business as he could lose his job because of the amount of time he has to take off. I am also exhausted with it all. I seem to have no life of my own.
despite all of this, I really like her. She is friendly, personable and good company. Just USELESS.
just ranting really and looking for advice.

£250,000 salary a year? Surely they get a cleaner as well as the nanny and a food delivery service?

Yep. Got both.

@Oldandtirednow then I would just let them get on with it??? They have plenty of help so let them crack on.

They need to chuck money at it because they have the resources. Nanny, cleaner, housekeeper, gardener. A two year old and a baby is a huge amount of work. And quite chaotic at the beginning. Does your DIL have family that could help and reassure too?

oldest in nursery 3.5 days a week. He has to take oldest to nursery so doesn’t get to work till 10am. When he hoes go into the office.
she sometimes does pick up.

She does have family. None help because of ill health.

What exactly is she bringing to the relationship?

It sounds like it’s time for him to start getting his ducks in a row to leave her and bring up the children alone.

Well that nursery setting doesn’t work for them. Surely moving forward the nanny could drop off or keep the child?

Is DIL altogether well postpartum? That’s a short time to have a second DC when clearly not coping with a first.

She had a baby a few weeks ago so maybe she’s struggling. Decide how much you can help and set that out, maybe suggest giving them time to settle as a family unit. The mum interrupting ds work - let them sort that between them. My dh can flex his time a lot more than me and it’s very different to when my dc were little.

if ds complains, advise him to speak to his partner! Stay out of that part.

To be honest I have felt that.
They were both desperate for children (particularly my son)
I do not think it is a match made in heaven. More a marriage of convenience. I do worry.

Two babies which she grew in her body, one she delivered just a few weeks ago.

In what way us she useless? Is it that she doesn't know what to do with them, feels overwhelmed? Or is it more organisational? Can she not get for going because a tiny child either needs feeding or changing or is sicking up over everything. The nanny surely will improve the situation hugely. Can do the nursery run and give your son back his mornings for instance?

And presumably the income from the flat she already owned.

How is this man only getting to work at 10? Most nurseries accept drop in from 8am if not earlier!

It's not to be unexpected that a parent to a newborn WFH drops out for 5m here and there. The more senior you are, the more likely you are to be given flexibility and judged by results. So is this a genuine worry coming from him, or is it your projection, OP?

II know it is difficult. The oldest is very young. I appreciate that. I had two very close together.

Yes she has post partum exhaustion. But she also had pre partum exhaustion. And partum partum exhaustion.
I am a fairly young grand mother (67) so can cope to an extent. I just worry. I know they should be able to live their own lives. But I worry about his job. He takes so much time off. They have taken on the nanny to plug the gap between nursery and when he gets home.

I would stop offering to go there all the time if you are exhausted. This post could have been written by my MIL and despite the kids being 10 and 8 she still runs over there at the drop of a hat (also 3 hours away) when her DIL isn’t coping despite her not working and them having a cleaner and cook. She just misses yoga classes every day and coffees with friends

This is what I’m thinking. I also used to step back when mil was here helping as I took the opportunity to rest. Once she went I was very hands on with my dc but juggling a toddler and newborn baby is hard. My “poor” dh was driving to work an hour away with so little sleep it was probably dangerous (15 years ago now).

oldest hates nursery. So he tries to drop off as late as possible. 8am start at nursery seems too much.

Where are her parents?
with a nursery and a nanny there should be no need for yet more childcare
soemthifn is deeply wrong if with that amount of support she cannot cope
what does your son think? The whole set up will crash sooner rather than later
i I don’t think you should or could offer more
they both need to work as a team and understand and treat why she cannot cope

Your son needs to worry about his job
hes an adult and making his choiceS
How long do you step in for?! Until the kids are at acholl
parenthood is for them to figure out

I think that you need to step back and let them get used to the nanny. It sounds like they are at least in a position to throw money at this tricky life stage.

I know exactly how I am coming across and feel terrible about it.

I think he does love her to a point. But he was so desperate for children. However, I think the feeling is mutual as she was also desperate for children.

Someone needs to give that woman a bloody reality check.

Change the nursery to one he likes and drop off at 8am.

Once nanny starts, son should find a suitable place ‘to go to work, rather than wfh - local or actual office’. It’s too easy to interrupt him when he’s at home.

Then leave her to it. She has the nanny on hand and between the two of them they will cope.

Son can still cook for them both, and stick a wash on, and get 2 yo to bed, when he’s home - that’s no more than the rest of the working parent population have to do.

Let’s just hope she doesn’t read mumsnet because she would deffo identify herself in this scenario.