Childcare woes

[Oldandtirednow]

This is not so much of a AIBU; rather WWYD?
My son has two children. One was 2 in July and the other was born in August. So very much a new born.
Partner comes from wealthy background. Has had to fight for nothing. Privately educated but who still cannot get a job that she can support herself.

they are currently living in my sons house. She used to live in a flat that her parents owned.
He has a very well paid job. £250+. So money not tight.
they live about 3 hours away.
I am spending way too much time there and am exhausted, as well as having no life of my own because she “cannot cope” with two of them on her own.
he does nearly all the childcare and all of the housework and cooking.

he Wfh and she regularly interrupts him to do childcare if I am not there.
Part of me wants to tell them just to get on with it. But I know if I am not there he will be taking time off for childcare plus housework, which may mean he loses his job.
they have a nanny starting soon but I know they will also want me.
I know it is none of my business how they run their lives. But it feels like my business as he could lose his job because of the amount of time he has to take off. I am also exhausted with it all. I seem to have no life of my own.
despite all of this, I really like her. She is friendly, personable and good company. Just USELESS.
just ranting really and looking for advice.

@Oldandtirednow

Have you maybe thought that she’s doing “nothing” as you so nicely put it, because she’s mentally not well.

You said yourself she suffered/suffers with pre and postpartum exhaustion and there’s probably more to it.

She doesn’t work yet doesn’t do the nursery run either ? Presuming she doesn’t have PPD? This is nuts she needs to learn to manage things better with a cleaner & food services what on earth is she doing all day?

Kindly, he is an adult and it’s up to him to manage this. Also, are you only hearing his side of it?

She had a baby a month ago why is he not on paternity or annual leave from his big fancy job? My DH earns a 5th of your darling son, he took the 2 weeks paternity leave his company offered and 2 weeks annual leave when DS was born he also immediately changed his working pattern to 5 in 4 so was home every Monday so he was around for his son without the interruption of work. Still does the same pattern now and DS is 7. I didn't go to private school, do have a high earning job and maternity leave was one of the worst years of my life, what do you make of that OP?

With that level of income, the nanny shouldn't be to plug the gap between nursery the child allegedly hates and its father getting home, on that money return a mother who is struggling why couldn't the nanny be full time?

I havent read all the comments but as a mother myself with 2 small children who REALLY struggled to cope & was exhausted - both "prepartum" and postpartum with my second child, has depression been considered? - im only just seeing the light 2.5 years after my second child.

they have a nanny starting soon but I know they will also want me.

How do you “know this”?

Your second grandchild is somewhere between 2 and 6 weeks old. As others have said, your son presumably took some paternity leave so it’s unlikely that there have been that many meetings that have been interrupted in the last couple of weeks. You have no reason to think he will lose his job. Especially as he can state very clearly to work that there will be a nanny starting soon to support the family.

She has a one month old baby. There's any number of reasons she may not be up to the nursery run.
Consider yourself lucky if you were properly mobile by that point.

To answer some questions.
My sons work allowed him to take Pat leave before they baby was born as she was too tired to look after no 1 whilst being pregnant.
it’s not pnd. She has always been like this. It’s just it is more noticeable at the moment.

she spends her time on her phone, meeting friends, visiting her sister who lives a five minute walk away.
i used to spend about 1/3 of my time there. Now it is around 1/2.

I am not sure how much longer I can cope to b3 honest.

Well, stop. When we had our eldest, our household income was about £40k. We managed just fine using paid childcare (and no benefits) and had zero help from family. You can say no.

And this is a son problem. The fact that he would rather see you be miserable and feel exploited than part with his precious money to fix the problem says a lot about how much he values you. And what are you even doing that is so exhausting if they have a nanny and two parents at home? I wasn’t as exhausted as you describe when it was just me at home looking after two dc with no nanny! Your son is exploiting you by the sound of it and you are happily allowing it. Just stop. They will manage just like all the rest of us have.

Lastly, I would not draw conclusions about who does what based on your visits. When any of my ILs visit, dh does everything. Because facilitating his family coming to stay is his responsibility, not mine. He sorts the kids, cleans the house, stops work early to entertain everyone, cooks, gets up with the kids while I have a lie in. That’s not at all what normal family life is like. But I’m not running around after his family because he wants them to come to stay. If people drew conclusions about me from those visits, they would think I did nothing, when in fact, most of the time, all those things are my jobs.

nanny, cleaner, gardener and a chef

To be honest if how you describe people you like id hate to see how you'd describe people you don't. You say this is because she can't cope with the two of them, but the baby is 6 weeks old. Did your son take any time off? Did they still need you when he was off? If this has been going on for 6 weeks I think you're very dramatic. Just say I can't come over today. I'm wrecked. I've got friends etc. If he loses his job over having kids more fool him.

If your son took his paternity leave before the baby was born (didn’t know this was allowed but OK…) then she hasn’t had any time of “full time co-parenting” for two kids. No wonder she is overwhelmed.

You are martyring yourself, you do not have to go. Given the nanny is starting shortly, that’s an excellent time to step back as they will have more hands on help.

Why do you think she doesn't have pnd? Certainly sounds as though she might. She might well have been struggling with it since the first child.

Stop being such a martyr. They've got the means to pay for plenty of help if they want to. If your DS would rather look after his wife and kids himself, that is his choice and I say good for him - he really doesn't need sympathy for being a present father. He is actively choosing to step up and do it himself.

Stop exhausting yourself. You need to look after your own health.

They have enough resources to buy in all the help they need. You do not need to provide free childcare.

If your DS is capable of earning that level of salary he must have the skills to decide what resources are needed and make the necessary management decisions.

You need to be firm "I would make myself ill if I keep doing all this extra work, I can't do it. I love you all dearly but from now on my visits are not going to be in order to work"

They can pay for nanny, housekeeper and meal prep services, you can visit for fun, not as a cost-saving exercise.

You need to step back and stop worrying so much. They are both adults and need to problem solve themselves. They are the ones who have been making these decisions to have the children (and when) so they have to make it work.

I mean I presume you weren’t part of the discussions when to have the next baby and what part you played? They have much more help than most people do tbh.

Your son has chosen this woman - and to have two kids with her so he must know what she is like by now.

Why are you worrying about his job - it’s up to him what to do if it’s at risk. Is he worrying?

If you are exhausted, stop doing so much for them. They will cope. They have to, just like millions of other families!

Are you sure she isn’t suffering from post partum depression as well as post partum exhaustion? Depression can leave you feeling overwhelmed by the normal day to day stuff you would otherwise cope with. Did your son take all his paternity leave when the baby was born or would he be able to take some now just while they are getting other help sorted out?

You absolutely need to stop this. Unless you are someone who enjoys playing the martyr?

They can afford to buy in care if needed. If DS chooses not to, that’s his decision to make. You are way over involved and invested.

Do you have other DC? What do they say?

Just stop. She’s taking advantage of you and you’re letting her! Just feign an illness and stay away for a week and see how she copes. Then explain your new boundaries by telling them how much help you’re willing to give because you cannot cope with the level of child care you’re giving at the moment.

Next time they ask you to go say no, you're too exhausted.

OP what would happen if you broke your leg or equivalent and couldn't travel?

Just don’t go. She’ll have to deal with it all herself (alongside the nanny, cleaner, nursery). If you keep going, she’ll never change.

I'd also ask yourself whether you are helping in a way that empowers this woman as a mother and encourages her to take additional control over the situation? Or are you helping in a way that takes over from her role as mother and pushes her out?

I knew someone with PPD that was "helped" in the second way by well intentioned family with disastrous results.

The baby is still a newborn. Your DS is not doing all the childcare if he is working. A nanny is starting soon. It might be better if at that point DS starts working from another place, at least sometimes, so that he he gets uninterrupted time to work. I think having working parents using home as a work space puts a big burden on the person doing childcare, who then cannot relax at home as they have to keep the dc quiet all the time.
Your DiL will learn to manage the DC by herself, and the fact that she is struggling to do so at the moment doesn’t make her incapable. It’s a skill that is picked up gradually. In many societies women have not been expected to manage alone so soon after childbirth.
Its your choice how much time and support you want to give, but it would be fine if you were start pulling back a little now.
And I know he’s your precious son, but do try to be less partisan about this.

I am going back tomorrow to help the nanny settle in. Show her the ropes. She has seen both doctor and midwife on numerous occasions. So pnd is unlikely.
I cannot just turn my back on them. What decent woman would do that.
But as it happens I am having an op on my hand when I get back. So maybe it will shake itself out as I won’t be able to manage as much

Why do you need to show the nanny the ropes? Have you been asked to do this?