Childcare woes

[Oldandtirednow]

This is not so much of a AIBU; rather WWYD?
My son has two children. One was 2 in July and the other was born in August. So very much a new born.
Partner comes from wealthy background. Has had to fight for nothing. Privately educated but who still cannot get a job that she can support herself.

they are currently living in my sons house. She used to live in a flat that her parents owned.
He has a very well paid job. £250+. So money not tight.
they live about 3 hours away.
I am spending way too much time there and am exhausted, as well as having no life of my own because she “cannot cope” with two of them on her own.
he does nearly all the childcare and all of the housework and cooking.

he Wfh and she regularly interrupts him to do childcare if I am not there.
Part of me wants to tell them just to get on with it. But I know if I am not there he will be taking time off for childcare plus housework, which may mean he loses his job.
they have a nanny starting soon but I know they will also want me.
I know it is none of my business how they run their lives. But it feels like my business as he could lose his job because of the amount of time he has to take off. I am also exhausted with it all. I seem to have no life of my own.
despite all of this, I really like her. She is friendly, personable and good company. Just USELESS.
just ranting really and looking for advice.

You are not turning your back on them, they have support and money, they aren’t homeless in a hostel! You are insisting on inserting yourself into this, despite your negativity about your DIL (which she will feel, BTW, and which won’t be helping)

You don’t need to show the nanny the ropes. It won’t be her first rodeo and your DS and DIL can do that. Nanny doesn’t have to learn everything on day 1 about routines and food preferences or whatever.

I’ve no idea what private education and wealthy families has to do with anything. They don’t do anything to make a woman a good parent. You’re being utterly unfair to your DIL.

My husband was desperate for children. I didn’t think I had it in me. We eventually had one. DH worked away. I had no family within thousands of miles. Hardest 18 months of my life. He hated being away and came back. I went back to work and he became the default parent. Both worked full time, my job needing me to be on site every day and eventually involving considerable travel.

DD is hurtling toward adulthood. I still find parenting incredibly hard. DH still does at least 50% week in, week out.

Is your son actually worried about his job or are you just looking for more big sticks to beat your DIL with?

But it feels like my business as he could lose his job because of the amount of time he has to take off.

To be clear, that has sweet FA to do with you. You’ll have to find something else to brag about than “my son earns £250k a year” to your friends and acquaintances. You could try “I have two beautiful grandchildren”, perhaps.

OP what is motivating you here?

If my MIL made a post like this about me I’d never see her again. She’s struggling and asking for help. You give it and resent it. Stop helping. My MIL helps me a lot, I’d be mortified if she actually felt like this and spoke so badly about me. You seem to think your son is a martyr - he is in a relationship and chooses to help his wife. He’s doing exactly what a husband should do and stepping up - you should be proud that he’s doing what he can. Realistically he’s not going to lose his job over drop offs. It’s a difficult time for new parents but it doesn’t last long. Help if you can. But only if you genuinely want to.

I had a similar age gap with my children and I had 4 weeks (mon- Friday) of help from my mum as my eldest was not in nursery. My husband then took paternity leave and after that we muddled along.

I have found that being thrown in the deep end gave me the resilience to get through the tough days. If I could get through a really hard day without external help then the next day would feel like a breeze. It is really difficult so it’s lovely to hear you do support them.

You may be enabling the “uselessness” as you’re there to pick up the pieces and if it was me in your DILs position I would have loved the extra pair of hands.

But maybe give them a time frame and say after that I can’t do it. Being useless is no excuse, it’s almost the lazy way out and hoping somebody else picks up the pieces. Which is unfortunately you!

Why would you be not "decent" if you take a step back and let them deal with it? They're adults and he earns plenty of money to buy help in.

Sorry but why the hell do you need to show the nanny what to do?

Why are YOU showing the nanny the ropes? Sounds like you need to drop the rope. Stop treating your son like a child and let him get on with it. Unless you’re loving feeling like you’re needed, as that’s how it’s coming across.