Childcare woes

[Oldandtirednow]

This is not so much of a AIBU; rather WWYD?
My son has two children. One was 2 in July and the other was born in August. So very much a new born.
Partner comes from wealthy background. Has had to fight for nothing. Privately educated but who still cannot get a job that she can support herself.

they are currently living in my sons house. She used to live in a flat that her parents owned.
He has a very well paid job. £250+. So money not tight.
they live about 3 hours away.
I am spending way too much time there and am exhausted, as well as having no life of my own because she “cannot cope” with two of them on her own.
he does nearly all the childcare and all of the housework and cooking.

he Wfh and she regularly interrupts him to do childcare if I am not there.
Part of me wants to tell them just to get on with it. But I know if I am not there he will be taking time off for childcare plus housework, which may mean he loses his job.
they have a nanny starting soon but I know they will also want me.
I know it is none of my business how they run their lives. But it feels like my business as he could lose his job because of the amount of time he has to take off. I am also exhausted with it all. I seem to have no life of my own.
despite all of this, I really like her. She is friendly, personable and good company. Just USELESS.
just ranting really and looking for advice.

I think it will improve when the nanny starts.
Having a two year old and a baby is exhausting. I remember hallucinating I was so tired once and I was off work. Can your son take some leave until the nanny starts ?

Yes the fact that I really struggled postpartum must have also been because I went to private school.

Agreed. Take a big step back and let them find the right staff to help them. They cannot do it until you leave them to it!

And it wouldn't to be unreasonable at all to point out that a 6 hour round trip takes a lot out of you and you are allowed to have your own life.

With respect, your son isn't exactly having to fight for anything right now if he can't solve this problem with the resources he has.

Can you explain exactly how much time he has asked you to spend there to help raise the kids? Or are you just going over off your own back out of worry?

If they get a Nanny then I would step back a bit.3 hours driving is a lot! Maybe go every couple of weeks instead

He needs to get some backbone and tell her to step up. If she won't, leave her. She's a leech and you need to stop facilitating her behaviour. Let it come to a head.

Yes, it’s well known that anyone privately educated just can’t deal with life those poor, spoiled little rich girls. It’s also well known that husbands who earn 250k in their Big Important Jobs are always stepping in and doing all the childcare, particularly over night. This woman, a month after giving birth need to just suck it all up and not have her partner be bothered with such mundane nonsense as looking after children. 🤦🏻‍♀️

@Oldandtirednow

Of course she was exhausted prior, during and after pregnancy, she has a toddler. They are hard work, even if they are your only job. Adding pregnancy and a newborn to that, when you are likely barely sleeping is exhausting. You are also exhausted by it all, as you said.

If you can’t / don’t want to help then it’s fine to step back. Why on earth you haven’t told your incredibly wealthy husband he needs to buy in more help, find a better solution for childcare for his 2 year old and instead are running to his aid like he’s a child, is beyond me. Or do you prefer just to berate his wife for being terrible whilst you martyr yourself?

She's just had a newborn. That is difficult, especially with another child.

When does the nanny start? On that salary they could have a nanny and a housekeeper type role to do cleaning, washing, food shop etc.

That is the practical side of things. It sounds like you think there is more to it emotionally and mentally for them.

There is nowhere in my posts that I have made a connection between a private school and post partum exhaustion.
What I have made a connection between is between private schooling and the ability to support yourself.
All of my children went to private school. They all earn well.

One of 5he reasons most people educate their children privately is so they can get a leg up on the career ladder.
Despite all the legs up she has had, she cannot support herself.

Stop going. You’re enabling them in this dysfunctional dynamic by acting like a third parent. It’s come from a good place of care and concern but they need to sort it out between themselves.

This is an issue about adjusting to life with 2 very young children including 1 newborn and where the mum is recovering. There was absolutely no need for you to mention her private education in your post.

You don’t need to go and help. But it also sounds like your son has enough money to put things in place anyway so leave them to it.

Agree with all of this.

Whoah.

Ita completely normal for a man to reduce hours in the first weeks after a baby is born.

My husband was the main earner and going in late when we had a newborn and toddler is something he frequently did to help me . She mau have been up all night so him taking some time with the toddler is part of family life

You sound like a really judgemental person.

Talking about him leaving the mother of his newborn baby!!!

It's natural the 2 year old will be sad leaving mum and new baby and might want extra time at home or with dad. I remember mine being like that

Cant believe this woman judging crap on a mums forum

Dad helps tired mum shocker

OP it's not really clear whether your son's job is actually at risk, or whether that is purely your own worry?

10AM starts on office days and nursery dropoffs when you have a newborn are fairly commonplace these days. and wouldn't raise eyebrows in a lot of workplaces. The new baby was only born a few weeks ago, I don't think the father doing the nursery run is a a bad thing initially, especially if it's a tricky dropoff.

Who is asking you to go over and help, your son or DIL? Talk to your son (not DIL) and see how he thinks it's all going. They have the resources to buy in help for your DIL, try being a little bit less available for them one the nanny starts.

Their set up does not sound in the slightest dysfunctional. Mum is tired and struggling with a tiny baby. Dad is doing what lots of men do now ..taking on tasks like dropping older one at nursery or making dinner.

Yes my husband used to come home from work and do all the cooking when I had a newborn. Thsts called supporting the exhausted mum who he loves

I feel ive stumbled back into the bloody victorian times here

Privately educated but who still cannot get a job and support herself
Sorry, she's spent 50% of the last 3 years incubating your grandchildren? And frankly, with a DP on 250K, do you really think a job is necessary?

It feels like my business as he could lose his job
He's a big boy, I think that's his responsibility.

Stop helping so much and it will help you feel less entitled to criticise.

You deserve a life of your own. Sounds like you've done alot. Tell them you need to go home. They have a cleaner and have a nanny starting. Its more than most people have.

I think you should stop visiting, for the sake of your poor daughter in law. How unfair to call her 'useless'. You sound like you think very little of her. She doesn't work so therefore is failing, whereas your son is doing incredibly well according to you. As a couple that's totally fine, they're a team so one can earn while the other raises the children. She's not lazy if she's gone from being pregnant, to having a baby, to being pregnant again to having a baby and a toddler! It also sounds like very early days and I highly doubt he's doing 'all the childcare' if he's also working full time as that's not possible! He also doesn't do the housework as they have a cleaner and clearly isn't doing all the cooking as you've said they have a meal delivery service.

My well-earning husband worked from home when I had a newborn and I disturbed him plenty, he should have worked out of the home if he didn't want that. I'd step back and let them figure things out on their own, I don't suppose they actually need your help as much as you think.

OP, you made me smile. I hope a young man earning £250k a year has the capacity and intelligence to ascertain whether his actions or lack of are putting his job at risk and doesn't need to rely on his mum to warn him.

All in good spirit 😉

Interesting poll results

Only 1/3 seem to think I am being unreasonable to be irritated.
2/3 say not unreasonable.
The comments on here suggest the opposite, with many being unpleasant.

How often do you want to go down?

How much do you wnat to do?

I would say this is because YANBU to want to stop doing so much childcare for them. But YABU in terms of your attitude towards your DIL.