Childcare woes

[Oldandtirednow]

This is not so much of a AIBU; rather WWYD?
My son has two children. One was 2 in July and the other was born in August. So very much a new born.
Partner comes from wealthy background. Has had to fight for nothing. Privately educated but who still cannot get a job that she can support herself.

they are currently living in my sons house. She used to live in a flat that her parents owned.
He has a very well paid job. £250+. So money not tight.
they live about 3 hours away.
I am spending way too much time there and am exhausted, as well as having no life of my own because she “cannot cope” with two of them on her own.
he does nearly all the childcare and all of the housework and cooking.

he Wfh and she regularly interrupts him to do childcare if I am not there.
Part of me wants to tell them just to get on with it. But I know if I am not there he will be taking time off for childcare plus housework, which may mean he loses his job.
they have a nanny starting soon but I know they will also want me.
I know it is none of my business how they run their lives. But it feels like my business as he could lose his job because of the amount of time he has to take off. I am also exhausted with it all. I seem to have no life of my own.
despite all of this, I really like her. She is friendly, personable and good company. Just USELESS.
just ranting really and looking for advice.

Why are they not having the nanny full time? Then she can have both children from 8am. Or one child at a time, or chop and change between the children. Or have the nanny full time, she can do nursery runs and then help with the newborn when she’s back from the nursery runs.

In fact on 250k they could probably get 2 Nanny’s. One for each of the kids!

They are very privileged that they have enough money to outsource all their hardships like cleaning, cooking, ironing, gardening etc.

Tell your son it’s effecting your mental/physical health helping so much and that you need to take a step back.

remind him of how privileged he is and that his money needs to be easing the burden not you. She sounds like she’s struggling and that isn’t her fault. They could have a day nanny and a night nanny if they wanted.

I hope she’s getting the correct mental health care that she needs.

It is absolutely your business-that's your child, DIL and grandchild, and your money and unpaid labour. If they were just getting on with it, it wouldn't be your concern, but what decent woman could just walk away?
Is she suffering from health issues and would she benefit from therapy?

i feel for this woman. She has 2 under 2. Recently given birth. Obv isnt coping very well. Pnd.

she isn’t coping and crying out for help

and best thing is your son and wife have the means to get help by a nanny cleaner meals in etc

j sinks also consider a night nanny so he gets some sleep and also baby will be out into a routine which will help the mum mental health

you need to stop driving there so much as it is tiring for you as well and they are relying on you

but as they have money they need to get more help

if a nanny is there 8-6 for example then no need for nursery for 2yr. Esp if just started and they may feel baby is here and pushed out

YANBU to take a step back.
But she sounds like she's struggling and all the judgement about her lack of career is entirely irrelevant. Her privileged background has nothing at all to do with her ability to cope with a toddler and a newborn.
Your DS is a grown man with a Big Job, he can sort himself out.

You are definitely NOT being unreasonable!

Has your son always wiped her arse and treated her like an entitled little madam?

All the "ah she has a newborn" posts are really tiresome, I'd say 90% of posters here have done that with children, about 30% without any family help or the luxury of cash to sort it.

I personally had 4 under 4, flew about the house doing everything from day 1, it's really not hard.

If the baby is only a month old, the dad could still be on paternity leave. A lot of places offer up to 6 weeks now. I had a baby last year and DH got 4 weeks full paid paternity leave and then was able to take reduced pay paternity leave for the final 2 or he could just do a couple of days a week and paid for those or shorter hours it was up to him.

If she's had a C-section or a physically traumatic birth (needing lots of stitches/ repair) she is probably struggling or not able to drive to do the nursery run. My friend had a very physically traumatic birth (3rd degree tear and lots of internal damage) and couldn't sit or drive for long periods of time for nearly 12 weeks. Even though she had had a vaginal birth (any everyone medical claims vaginal births are easier to recover from) she was in pain and struggling for months after with lots of the housework whilst everything healed. If she's struggling with post natal depression or anxiety then again she needs support with this.

It's not unusual at all for the dad to step up in regards to giving mum a quick hand with the children in the day (so she can go to the toilet/ wash/ dress/ have a drink or just 10 minutes) or to take on the cooking and more physically demanding housework jobs . After my EMCS and my planned section, I couldn't hoover, hang washing out, empty and fill the washing machine or dishwasher ( repeated bending) or stand and cook for more than half an hour at a time for a couple of months - DH had to do all those jobs when my mum wasn't with me. My own mum and dad came and lived with me for 3 weeks when I had youngest DD. I needed their help for those first 3 weeks and then they came every other day for a week. Then every 2 days until I was nearly 6 weeks pp.

I also needed my mum and DH to do a lot of the dressing/ feeding/ bathing of eldest DD and she was 4. A 2 year old and a baby is demanding. She will be tired from the pregnancy, birth and then the whole getting used to having a newborn.

They are lucky they can throw money at the problem. A cleaner, meals and a nanny will take a load off. You don't need to help if you feel it is too much.

They will be better when the nanny starts, they need to get the nanny to do the nursery drop off and then help with the baby. The nanny will also be on hand to do a lot of the childcare for mum to get washed/ dressed/ pop to the loo ect so your son won't be disturbed as often.

I don’t think just because you have a ‘big job’ you can avoid day-to-day childcare responsibilities, particularly if working from home. Obviously you are working, but if your partner is struggling you need to help.

It’s funny - all the women I know on these salaries still have to take ‘primary carer’ role and do and remember everything - and the dads I know in the same careers are utterly unavailable and far too busy and important to help.

Funny that isn’t it?

The cost of a nanny Inc tax, NI, pension etc is about £50k a year in London.

£250k after tax and pension is ~ £11k a month so a nanny would be 40% of their net income.

Before their mortgage, which is probably the same again.

What a terrific idea....wow well done.
Things get iffy and your solution is for him to just walk away. Don't face up and talk, just leave.
I'm sure that's the best for everyone...not.

Don't feel bad. My MIL sat us down when pregnant and explicitly said "I've raised my children, I do not want to raise someone elses, I want to enjoy retirement and be a gran to them, not a babysitter". Easiest conversation. No hurt feelings. Just clear expecations. And btw she is a wonderful caring grandmother.

You do realise your own comments are also not pleasant. Read back at some of the things you have said about the mother of your grandchildren.

She cannot support herself
She was desperate for children
He loves her 'to a point'
I do not think it is a match made in heaven. More a marriage of convenience

You also said about her having post partum exhaustion and other things that sounded like you are belittling her. Maybe shes struggling mentally and doesnt want to say? Maybe she enjoys your company and appreciates the help given the way shes feeling. As a mother yourself, you should know and have some understanding how hard it is daily with two children. To say some of the things you have said are quite frankly rude. You only seem bothered about your son losing his job and nothing else

Oh and just tell them you cannot help out like you have been! We were lucky to have all grandparents look after our first born 5 days a week from 1 until she turned 4. We had another child 16 weeks ago and each grandparent said they can't help out like they did with our first and that was the end of the conversation 😬

I am inclined to feel a little bit sorry for your DIL to be honest. She's only just given birth to the second baby those first weeks can be so raw and especially exhausting when your also trying to recover from the birth physically and emotionally aswell as feeding a newborn around the clock and trying to be there as much as you can for the eldest. How much time off has your son had to be there with them since the birth?

I had my second DD earlier this year and my partner had 3 weeks off thank God he did because I was unwell with an infection second week pp and I remember feeling so sad he had to go back to work and wondering how on earth I was logistically going to manage a fiery 3 year old and tiny newborn alone and although its easier now I still have tough days. She will need time to adjust to the new way of things and probably needs some support and reassurance with that.

That being said you are within your right to make a boundary on how much time you give, and when my partner returned to work I did do all of the nights on my own so he could sleep for work. He did do all the nursery drop offs and pick ups alone to begin with and now we split them fairly. I think the key to this is time, as this initial period can be really intense and her hormones will be everywhere right now.

How nasty. Did you get that medal?

Your sons job isn’t your business, neither is your DILs family history.
just say you’re exhausted and stop

the problem is your son who isn’t independent enough (wonder why!)

he’s a grown man and with his salary he can take control of his own life and hire a live in nanny or at the very least a childminder; he can also afford to get more help eg marriage counselling if he so wanted.

draw a line and step well well well away.
you clearly hate your DIL. Your grandchildren will pick up on this if you continue and you won’t be remembered kindly for it.

You say she’s useless, I’m seeing examples of someone who might well be overwhelmed and struggling. If they have money to throw at their problems they absolutely should. If you need a break from helping them then have one. But I think you’re probably being very harsh here about your DIL,

I think you step back and let your son get on with it. They have the financial means to put in the support which they are doing, so you don't need to be there frequently.
If your son is unhappy with the relationship then being there as a listening ear is fine. But also accept if he is happy with his wife you need to not judge. You are likely to only hear one side anyway.

What a load of nonsense this post is.

Not independent? He has never lived at home since he was 18. Owns his own home outright. Supports her because she earns next to nothing. (Read my posts). Buys in all the help she needs. Does everything when he gets home from work. In what way is he not independent?

she does nothing when he is not working. nothing.
I have said that despite this, I actually like her. So what makes you draw the conclusion that I “hate” her?
I cannot just “walk away” as you suggest. What decent woman would do this when she is struggling? You may be able to do this. I couldn’t.

Have you actually spoken to your son?

You say you're concerned about the impact on his job, is he? If he works say for a Swedish company then they probably see him continuing to work at all as an enormous benefit.

I think the answer lies in you having an honest chat with your ds. In the meantime, do not exhaust yourself. That helps no one. Put some boundaries in for yourself and get some proper information from your son to then make a reasonable decision.

Has your son actually told you there is a problem?

I don’t think yabu to want to help them less? Dealing with a newborn and toddler is hard work. Whatever age you are!

I think yabu to be calling your DIL useless, although in the face of it she does seem to be struggling more than normal. To be honest I remember very little of those first few months with DC2. I was just exhausted. I was lucky to have wonderful parents who came and stayed for 2 weeks and I’m not sure how we’d have coped without them, but after that we were on our own. And yes DH took toddler DS to his 2 mornings a week of nursery, and no he wasn’t late for work! He even rearranged his day to pick toddler up from nursery at lunchtime as I couldn’t drive/lift after c section. DH had to cook and clean too - that’s normal. Once we got settled into our new routine things calmed down a bit.

Hopefully they get the nanny set up soon and then things should get better for them.

Presumably he knew how much she earns before he married her? He supports her because she is his wife and the mother of his children.
How do you know who does what when he isn't working? Are you always there?