AIBU to want our baby’s first Christmas at home instead?

[Wasthecheese]

I had a miserable Christmas last year visiting my parents. This year we have a baby and my mother is already on that we visit them this Christmas as she wants babies first Christmas.

I said well last years was dreadful and I had an awful time, so we hadn’t made plans yet, but I am not having a repeat of that . I’ve now been accused of weaponising the baby and using him to get my own way. In actual fact I just want us to have a nice day where we can have baby at the centre of it. Because we haven’t made plans yet so I can’t say we are seeing IL my mum is saying it’s ridiculous if we haven’t get anything better to do we are being bloody minded turning down her invitation, but I’d rather us just stay at home and have the day to ourselves.

I hate this rushing to get an invite out so they get in first. I don’t know what we’ll be doing I just don’t want to see them.

It doesn't matter why you had a terrible time or what your relationship is like with your mum. If you had an awful time you had an awful time. Just don't go, simple as that x

Hi Op!

Your mother is my mother. Two years ago I actually pretended I needed to walk my dog with the kids round the block and we left and went home because I was too worried to bring up her being a bitch for the drama she would inevitably tell me I’d caused (when really it was her drinking and being horrible). Last year I really bit the bullet and told her no I’m not coming we are doing it indoors. It was amazing, my kids were chilled and happy and so was I and I had control of the day instead of eating gold leaf salmon and not being able to move anything because of the table decorations and listening to my mother say who’s drunk all the wine (when it was her) then crying at the table because no one had commented on the food for the fifth time 🙄. Just stay at home, we are doing it again this year and no one is getting presents again because we are ungrateful 😂

You might find support here https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5571390-august-2026-well-we-took-you-to-stately-homes

Say, No thanks Mum, you drank too much last year and weren't nice to be with. I know you don't remember it like that, but I do. We are having Christmas on our own this year.

From experience I would say draw the line in the sand now. I spent a difficult Christmas day with a baby at the in laws who were very kind but I was tired he wouldn't feed we were home by late afternoon. After that we stood firm and I cooked Christmas dinner at home.

Of course it’s not unreasonable to want what you want. Other people don’t have to like it but ultimately need to accept it and hopefully respect it. But it’s fair enough for them to be disappointed.

the only thing is, are you stringing your mum along a bit. You are saying you are telling her you haven’t made plans yet but it sounds like you have - you have made a plan to stay home. I think here just given clarity on what you’ve decided and if your parents are invited etc.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. If this is how your mum handles Christmas I suspect she is difficult all round. You need to assert your boundaries every single time so that you can parent your child healthily. It's not good for you or your child if you are feeling stressed and manipulated. I hope you reach a point where it doesn't even cross your mind to check on MN because you feel strong enough to do what's right for you, your DP and DC in every situation.

I've said this before but start as you mean to go on Op or you'll be having this argument every year. Why have years of miserable Christmases when you can be happy at home

You don't want to have Christmas with your mother because she gets drunk and is unpleasant to you. It's nothing to do with you now having a baby.

Your mother wants a picture postcard Christmas with her new grandchild there so she can tell her all her friends. She has no interest in you actually being there. Your child won't care either.

I'd personally just refuse to go and think very hard about how much contact you want your child to have with her.

YANBU. 💯
I had similar and my mother was head strong.
My husband ended up putting his foot down and asked why my mum didn't have her mother over (my nan) if it was all about family at christmas? 🤔

He was correct. She didn't like it.
I loved my mum, but she would bulldoze through everything and never admit fault.

DH told my mum, and said we are now a little family and will pursue OUR own traditions OUR way. Tough.

You have the christmas that YOU and your DH want. No one else. 🎄
P.s. congratulations on your baby 🫂
@Wasthecheese

Stay at home create your own traditions. Also say hey mum we have decided to stay home this year. But have a drink for me...... :)

You have 2 separate issues.
Babies 1st Christmas and horrid parents.

Babies 1st Christmas happens only once so is not a long-term issue. We also spent it just the 3 of us.

Horrid parents is a long-term issue. Just because they are your parents does not mean they have any control over you. You do not have to like or love them. You do not need to see or speak to them. If they only bring negativity into your life then go low contact.

Tell them Christmas is not up for discussion or debate. Repeat the same phrase every time they mention it.

Make sure you and DH are on the same page.

Your mother has to realise the consequences of her behaviour towards you. It seems that she behaved badly towards you last Christmas and has not taken ownership of that in any way whatsoever. She sounds controlling and like someone who is used to getting her own way.

Do not go OP, have the Christmas that YOU want with your lovely little family. Time to set some boundaries. Let your mother enjoy hosting her ‘golden’ child and give her a chance to reflect on why you have declined the invitation this year.

Even the invitation to attend turns into stress and a row

No that really stands out. If that’s already stressful don’t go. You say you don’t have plans but you need to reframe that in your mind. You do have plans, you want a family Christmas just the three of you. So you plan that, those are your plans and you stick to them. You don’t have to feel guilty about that it’s not punishing her it’s starting your own family traditions how you see fit.

I would tell her now that you will not be coming to Christmas at her house and why.

Does she behave like she did last Christmas on a regularly basis? Because if so, think about future special occasions and whether you want her there, around your child and spoiling special occasions for them. My own mum behaved badly when I was growing up (picking pointless fights mainly) and ruined so many birthdays, christmases, etc. I gave her 2 chances in the end when I became a mother, early on before my eldest could really remember and she fucked it up each time. Now she doesn’t get invited to things. She knows why.

What did your parents do at xmas when you were growing up? My MIL never went to her own parents or her in-laws for xmas, so when she tried to guilt us into spending it with her i politely pointed out that they had had their turn doing xmas at home with their kids and now it was ours. We see everyone either side of xmas but always have a lovely day at home doing exactly what we want. (we do invite her but she never accepts).

I think a lot of people change to Christmas at home when they have children. We had years of alternating and then just said we want to be at home on Christmas Day. We’ll always travel to different family around Christmas but I much prefer being able to sort presents and relax in my own home.

Tell her you’re not having your baby around an alcoholic grandmother who runs around after her golden child son to get at her daughter.

It sounds like she wants you to have unhappy Christmas at hers so that you don’t get to enjoy Christmas at home with your baby.

No, I said we hadn’t made plans but we wouldn’t be going to hers. It’s still not decided if we’ll go to the in laws or stay at home, but we won’t be going there. She’s just seen that we haven’t committed to the in laws as we’re available

Totally agree with this.

Your mom is creating drama, she wants everything her way. She is controlling.

Let her sulk if she doesn't get her way.

You are not weaponising the baby.
You can go and visit on another day, you just don't want to go on Christmas day.

You need to stand firm, OP. It's so hard, but if you buckle now, all you'll teach her is that with enough pressure, you will give in. So then the next time you try to stand up for yourself, she'll push even more.

I had a similar experience with a bulldozer mother 4 years ago when I had my first baby. There was tears and drama, but having Christmas day with my boys was lovely. I actually had a friend over too as her family are abroad, so the argument was extra spicy.

We are now at a point where we do things with her in the lead up to Christmas (this year is a train experience) to spend festive time together, but Christmas day itself is just our little unit. We sometimes drive up her house too. But this didn't come over night.

Christmas with babies and small children at someone else's house is just a pain in the arse compared to staying at home. Everyone is different but personally I'm a believer in Christmas being about wider family though and the only time we had it 'just our little family' (because of COVID) it felt a bit flat tbh.

My only caution is that 'baby's first Christmas' can be a massive anticlimax so don't build the magic up in your head too much. Unless they are literally about to turn 1 they will have zero idea what is going on. My eldest had conjunctivitis over his first Christmas and my youngest wasn't interested in anything except trying to eat the tree lights during his.

I’d stay at home with just the three of you as last year was so awful. Could you have your parents and brother to yours on Christmas Eve for a mince pie and presents, you guys on your own on Christmas Day and then in-laws round for a mince pie on Boxing Day? She can’t moan then that your in-laws are getting to see the baby and they aren’t.

If anyone’s weaponising anything it’s your Mum.

Tell her you’re staying home full stop. Don’t engage further about it, it’s your life/baby - choose you.

OP, this is the perfect time for new traditions.
There is no way I would bring a baby near that.
The childhood Christmases are so few and precious.
Your baby will feel the tension.