AIBU to want our baby’s first Christmas at home instead?

[Wasthecheese]

I had a miserable Christmas last year visiting my parents. This year we have a baby and my mother is already on that we visit them this Christmas as she wants babies first Christmas.

I said well last years was dreadful and I had an awful time, so we hadn’t made plans yet, but I am not having a repeat of that . I’ve now been accused of weaponising the baby and using him to get my own way. In actual fact I just want us to have a nice day where we can have baby at the centre of it. Because we haven’t made plans yet so I can’t say we are seeing IL my mum is saying it’s ridiculous if we haven’t get anything better to do we are being bloody minded turning down her invitation, but I’d rather us just stay at home and have the day to ourselves.

I hate this rushing to get an invite out so they get in first. I don’t know what we’ll be doing I just don’t want to see them.

Sounds to me like you do have plans. Staying home. Stick to them.

I think you should have Christmas wherever you like, but don't make your argument about the baby.

Your mother has accused you of 'weaponising the baby'. Don't you think there might be some truth in that? The 'first Christmas' will mean nothing to the baby except being another cosy day with loving people. So citing the baby in this conflict is an assertion of your needs.

Your mother's accusation is also itself a form of weaponisation of the baby. She, too, is using the baby as a front for asserting her needs.

Leave the child out of it. The very worst way to set up an lifetime of happy Christmases for a child is to generate ways in which they start to feel that they are somehow to blame for (or at least at the centre of) family tensions

You’re an adult, you get to choose what you want to do, nobody can make you go to hers. Just say ‘We’re staying at home’ on repeat. You don’t need to explain/justify.

Have a quiet day at home.

You could invite both sets of grandparents over for afternoon tea from 3 - 4 pm. to exchange gifts.

This is what we did when the children were younger. We did it every second year as the other years my mum came to us.

my child’s first Christmas entailed us running between families with a 3 week old baby. It was a disaster and I vowed not to do it again. We had to do 2 car runs with the amount of gifts our baby got. They were 3 weeks old and slept through it all!

We always have Christmas with just us and DC. It’s fantastic.

You might have moans and hassle explaining it in year 1 but once that’s done it becomes custom and practice and is easier to navigate in future years. DC is now 5 and it wouldn’t cross anybody’s mind that we would do anything other than have Christmas on our own.

Since our daughters were born (now 4 and 2), we have spent Christmas Day at home just us. We go to in-laws on Christmas Eve and my parents on Boxing Day (a tradition we had already started before we had kids, and spent Christmas day separately with our respective families)

I'm sure there's disappointment, particularly from my parents...but this is how we want to do things for our family right now, we've been clear and they've accepted that.

Tbh Christmases haven't been the same anyway as one year my husband had the flu, and two years ago one kid had a vomiting bug 🤦🏻‍♀️ so between that and naps etc, we were glad to not feel the pressure of traipsing out anywhere or cancelling on the big meal last minute!

Tell your mum it's too much hassle to bring baby and all the paraphernalia to her house and too disruptive to babies routine so you are having a quiet Christmas at home this year.

No, this isn’t it. She said brother was going to theirs for Christmas again and it would be so nice to have the two babies there (one mine one his) I said we hadn’t made our plans yet, she said well of course we should go there if we haven’t made plans, I said I’d speak to DH but we probably wanted to just do our own thing, she said you’re not still punishing me for last year and it’s not fair on her grandchild to miss out on a family Christmas because I can’t let things go… it went from there.

Even the invitation to attend turns into stress and a row…

On Ds26s first Christmas everyone wanted to see him- grandparents and great grandparents. So we went to visit them all. He was so unwell Christmas afternoon I said never again. If people wanted to see us they could visit us.

I absolutely refused to go anywhere for DS first Christmas, was was 5 months old.
Both sets of grandparents had open invitations, but neither came. I got loads of emotional blackmail from my mum, but I stood my ground.

It was lovely, we still had dinner and a proper Christmas but at DS pace.

Everyone got over their drama about it fairly quickly, it didn't cause any long term issues.

Edited as I have read your updates. Don't allow your mother to ruin birthdays, Christmas and other occasions with her behaviour. My dad was your mum, he's been dead for 9 years and I still don't forgive him.
Luckily I shielded DS from the worst and he only remembers "fun grandad " probably because he was pissed

You HAVE to put your foot down on this and put your own family first or you’ll have years of misery.

My DH and I nearly found ourselves in a tug of war over what to do with our DD, before we just learned to say ‘We want baby’s first Christmas at home’, the the following year ‘Oh, we don’t want to make plans too early’ then actually deciding what we want to do.

Some of our family are stuck having christmases they don’t want with behaviour that would ruin the day if they let it. Our sacrifice is that Boxing Day is often a bit chaotic but having a calm Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with our own special traditions is worth it. MIL does sulk but DH deals with it.

This is the reason not to go, not the baby.

First Christmas in my view isn’t actually a big thing. It’s actually great to be able to schedule Christmas dinner around nap time and get to eat with two hands. The baby will know absolutely nothing about what’s going on.

The Christmas you really want to be having at home is the first one where they will actually get excited and know what’s going on.

But you Mum sounds like a bitch so that’s more then enough reason not to go.

When my husband and I got our 1st house we spent with Christmas with one and NY with the other and alternated the following year.

As soon as we had our daughter we knocked both on the head and said we have an open door on both days but are not moving.

Took a couple of years before MIL stopped badgering but stick to your guns, it’s your decision. X

She has had her young children at home for Christmas era, it's now yours. She's grabbing your experiences for herself, and SHE is weaponising the baby actually, not you. Don't give in.

Granny here! We’ve never spent Christmas with our DGC (6yrs & 2yrs) as DIL’s mum insists they have to spend it with her whether at her house or at theirs.

DIL can’t say no to mum so we said rather than making life awkward for DS and DIL, they can carry on and we’ll see them another time.

The Other granny is re-married so she’s not alone but she’s quite pushy. When we visited for a family birthday for DH’s 60th, with both sets of adult DC, the other granny turned up at the restaurant, so we ended up inviting her to join us. 🤦🏻‍♀️ I was quite annoyed as we live abroad and only see the adult DC and DGC annually so our time with them is very precious. DH found it amusing.

I think you should take a stand this year so that it sets a new precedent of you freely choosing what you want to do. Then she’ll realise that she can no longer manipulate you into complying with her wishes. I wish our DIL felt able to do that.

You just say its not all about you mum. Last year wasn't a nice experience for me you're right, and it was because if you. You pushing me now to do ehat you want is adding to that. But that's just part of why we don't want to come. We want to stay home with the baby this year, we will see you in the season but Christmas day is at home where we will enjoy our little family.

Christmas at home from now on. Might not be possible, but my parents always said they'd see one set of parents Xmas Eve and one lot Boxing Day, either going there or them coming for day - luckily we were only 90 mins apart. In time that changed, in that they were all seen a couple of weeks before (luckily everyone in roughly same area, so could be done in couple of days).

I have a great relationship with my parents but ever since having a baby we have had Christmas at home, just the three of us. It’s lovely! We then go visiting between Christmas and new year.

How close do you live? You could possible invite them to you for a tea and mince pie on the day or Xmas eve

Your mum sounds hard work....of course YANBU to want to stay home with baby especially if being with your mum is as stressful and unenjoyable as it sounds...... Have a lovely Christmas at home with your own little family 🎄

There’s no way I would go there at Christmas after that! Just tell her straight - you were drunk and very unpleasant to me last year. I’m not up for any repeat of that. Not a chance.

Remember - you can just let her be angry. Let her. It’s not a problem. There is absolutely nothing she can do about it. Put your DH, baby and yourself first. Why would you subject your DH to an awful Christmas day? Focus on it from that angle and that should keep you resolved.

Totally get you OP. My mum feels she’s ‘owns’ Christmas and I was accused of ruining things but trying to invite family to ours.
There was also a big drama about a non invitation of a dog which is another whole story.

Christmas is just one day, do what makes you happy. Maybe see your mum on Boxing Day?

But that’s happening because you aren’t being firm. Get firm. Stop deflecting the decision on to your DH!! You need to stand up to her, and state calmly that you are not coming on Christmas day as it was awful last year and because you want a quiet day at home. If she starts ranting, you interrupt and say that you’ve been clear with her and there will be no further discussion. Then end the call. Practise what you’re going to say so you don’t get flustered when she starts on at you.

The dynamics have changed.

You are now your own family unit of you, your partner and baby. That's your priority now.

Your baby won't be missing out on a family Christmas because you and your DH are their family. They will be with you.

Based on last year and the pressure already from your mum I would definitely suggest Christmas at home. You don't need someone telling you what you can and can't do. Your mother seems to have missed the part where you are an adult with a family of your own now.

Perhaps arrange to visit for a while on Christmas morning or go for a while on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day, just to keep the peace and keep contact, but don't be pressurised into more than you want.