AIBU to want our baby’s first Christmas at home instead?

[Wasthecheese]

I had a miserable Christmas last year visiting my parents. This year we have a baby and my mother is already on that we visit them this Christmas as she wants babies first Christmas.

I said well last years was dreadful and I had an awful time, so we hadn’t made plans yet, but I am not having a repeat of that . I’ve now been accused of weaponising the baby and using him to get my own way. In actual fact I just want us to have a nice day where we can have baby at the centre of it. Because we haven’t made plans yet so I can’t say we are seeing IL my mum is saying it’s ridiculous if we haven’t get anything better to do we are being bloody minded turning down her invitation, but I’d rather us just stay at home and have the day to ourselves.

I hate this rushing to get an invite out so they get in first. I don’t know what we’ll be doing I just don’t want to see them.

Same! Do it OP.

Just say you will be having Christmas at home from now on. What’s she going to do about it?

Babies aren't communal property to be shared "fairly". What you and DH want as the parents trumps what anyone else wants.

Surely getting to decide how to spend your baby's first Christmas is the reward you get for 9 months of pregnancy, giving birth, sleepless nights etc. etc.?

I’ve also never been a fan of “our little family” at Christmas - its always been about family in the greater sense. However that doesn’t have to mean everything and everyone on Christmas day itself, especially as families expand. It is a 12 day festival - it can be a good time to spread the visits and visitors back and forth across a holiday period rather than one extremely intense day.

@Wasthecheese nip any form of “getting in first” in the bud, its not a playground game of first dibs. Decide what you would ideally do, work out how that fits in with wider family. Maybe its a good year to visit the iLs and save on the cooking, maybe its easier to have them to you. Maybe just have some other friends around. If you work out what you both actually want, its easier then to plan any other visits. If goldenchild dominates Christmas day, you might visit or have DM on Boxing day or the weekend after/before. Or not at all if its really unpleasant.

Is golden child’ baby also golden baby?

Once we had DC we stayed at home. Others could visit if they wanted to see us but Christmas Day was just for us.

@Wasthecheese YADNBU. I know they are currently very little but trust me your child doesn't want to have to see you treated as an emotional punchbag by their extended family.

My dad was the loveliest man but he came from an incredibly toxic family, who were dreadful to him. I think he kept putting himself and us through it in the hope that one day it would get better. It didn't and having to watch him get picked on as a child and not have the power to do anything about it hurts my soul even now.

You owe these people nothing so please give your child and yourself a safe and healthy environment to enjoy Christmas in.

Christmas at my parents house was always quite stressful - my mother was always a bit angry - she hated Christmas - too much to do.

So I gladly decided that we would have Christmas at home with our kids - it was a good excuse never to go to my parent's house for Christmas again.

We could all relax, our kids could make a mess and we could eat what we liked, when we liked and finish the day with a smile on our faces. It's definitely a my wee family day - although recently we've been inviting waif's and strays but that's a whole other dynamic now the kids have grown up.

Just the fact your mum is accusing you of weaponising your baby is enough reason to stay away.
You can't change people, just the way you react to them so do exactly what you want to do. Why don't you and hubby start it this year - every single Xmas will be just the three of you and you will see them near the holiday? And don't budge!

You’re not unreasonable to want xmas with just your little family. I’d just do it. She will be dramatic about it but if you let her steamroll you in to doing what she wants then you’ll be doing it forever more. Also babies need naps and feeding and get fussy. Its far better to be in your own home

Establish your boundaries now. We did Christmas Eve with one set of parents and Boxing Day with the other. Christmas Day was just us, from day one. The first year my in laws 'dropped in' as they were so excited (!) but mainly to check if I secretly had my parents there. I just knew they would and had canapes and chilled champagne ready for them. They never did it again. You and you family are not playthings. It's a take it or leave it for your mum. Your other choice is alternating years with parents BUT why put yourself through it, and later when there are toys at home kids wont want to go and it just gets harder.

You’ve made the right decision. It’s tiring to repeat yourself but just stick to it and don’t change even if it gets awkward.

Hope you have a lovely Christmas 🎄

Agree, DS's first Christmas was just the three of us at home 🎄

We have been married 30 years and have spent every single Christmas day at home. Our parents complained at first but soon got used to it!

Just say this

"Actually you're right mum, it's not actually about the baby. The baby won't remember where it spent it's first few Christmas'. I just find Christmas Day a bit overwhelming, with the expectations attached to it, so DH and I have decided to spend this year at home, and I'm looking forward to it. I don't want to fall out over this, it's just what we think is best for us as a family."

Whatever she writes back with, don't engage.

If your mum lives nearby, you can add "we'd be happy to call over in the morning to give our presents, and you can get some photos with the grandkids". Best to call over in the morning if your Mum's a drinker. You'll have your turkey on in the oven, so it'll definitely be an hour max in the house before you have to go. If DH's parents also live nearby you can say "we'll call over to DH's parents later in the day to do the same".

I wouldn't go to DH's parents for the full day if you could avoid it. If you're breaking the apron strings on Christmas Day (something that's difficult to do) I think preferring your DH's parents would add an extra argument to the mix.

Once you get one Christmas separate from your family, it's much easier to do it again. Stay strong!

We did DDs first Christmas at my in laws and it was awful (it was their turn). I drove, admittedly it was only an hour away but still. My in laws are an 'old' family - very small and my DH is the youngest member so it was a very adulty Christmas that DD was expected to fit into. I did not enjoy it.

Ever since then Christmas has been at my house. Anyone is welcome, at any point during the day, I will provide food and beverages but I'm not getting in my car.

We go to DHs family on boxing day now and have 2nd Christmas which my DDs love.

Just say no. Explanations or excuses are not needed. Be strong. You are a mother first now (not just a bullied daughter) and your child/family comes first. Especially when your mother sounds like such a manipulative horror.

I made it very clear from the start that Father Christmas visits our house, and our house only, and we won't be visiting anyone. We have visitors on Christmas Eve, and on Boxing Day, but just be firm and set your boundaries now otherwise you'll have a miserable time and you'll be going every year forever more! There's no way I'm taking my DD away from all her new stuff on Christmas Day!

So sorry OP. I got ahead of this by saying to my mother a couple of weeks ago, "by the way we're going to stay at home for Christmas this year -- baby will still be too tiny to travel far and I will still be recovering". She was clearly put out about it but couldn't argue with that really.

Well you mother sounds insufferable but at the end of the day you are an adult with autonomy. Make the choice that works best for you and stick to it. Otherwise you will be subjecting yourself to years and years of emotional manipulation and blackmail.

Prioritise you new family - your partner and baby, and don’t feel bad about that. You have a right to set your own agenda now for your family. Your mum is trying to guilt trip you. Set a clear boundary with her, and maybe distance yourselves a bit.

Because I’d actually like to spend some with his family, maybe even this one. I just know if my mother gets wind of it it will cause drama. I just haven’t got as far as planning yet

Just say it’s just three at home, and suggest days to see them. end of discussion . You don’t owe her.

You're the mum now, and it's your responsibility to look after the interests of your own little family. If you know you'd all be happier, and have a much better time at home, just the three of you, then that's what you do. No one else has any right to get upset or angry with you for that, so if they choose to be, that's 100% on them - leave them to it.

Yes, a baby's first Christmas is a special time, but it is only significant for you and your partner. A baby has no concept of what is going on and won't appreciate their routines being upset to appease your mum. You should spend your first Christmas with your little family in a way which works best and will be most enjoyable for all of you, nobody should be brow-beating you into carting a small baby around the place on Christmas Day so all of their adult relatives can get a piece of the action, your baby is not a photo prop.
Our little girl will be nearly two this Christmas. I absolutely love Christmas and we had a lovely time last year as, while she wasn't old enough to really know what was going on, she enjoyed the food, decorations and unwrapping presents! We did spend the day at my in-laws, but we live very close to them, get on extremely well and our little one is always at their house so it is like home from home for her, she has a full set of baby things there, high chair, toys, books, clothes, bath, etc. so her routine wasn't changed in any way to fit around Christmas traditions. Something makes me think your MIL would not be as considerate of your baby's needs!

That’s it exactly. I know it means nothing to baby, so it is entirely for my mums benefit so she can say she had both grandbabies first Christmas.