AIBU to want our baby’s first Christmas at home instead?

[Wasthecheese]

I had a miserable Christmas last year visiting my parents. This year we have a baby and my mother is already on that we visit them this Christmas as she wants babies first Christmas.

I said well last years was dreadful and I had an awful time, so we hadn’t made plans yet, but I am not having a repeat of that . I’ve now been accused of weaponising the baby and using him to get my own way. In actual fact I just want us to have a nice day where we can have baby at the centre of it. Because we haven’t made plans yet so I can’t say we are seeing IL my mum is saying it’s ridiculous if we haven’t get anything better to do we are being bloody minded turning down her invitation, but I’d rather us just stay at home and have the day to ourselves.

I hate this rushing to get an invite out so they get in first. I don’t know what we’ll be doing I just don’t want to see them.

We had DD's first Christmas at home, just the three of us. It was perfect. Low-key, with no dramas about sticking to her nap/feeding schedule. I highly recommend it!

What made last Christmas so awful? Do you generally have a difficult relationship with your mum?

I certainly don't think that you are being unreasonable to want to spend your baby's first Christmas at home.

Curious as to why it was so bad last year! Absolutely do not go if you don't want to. I think she's trying to use the baby to get you to go, rather than the other way round. Arrange to see them boxing day.

Just do it, it’s special so do it your way.

I suspect this goes deeper than just a Christmas invite.

Do what is right for your little family.

Tell her she's welcome to pop by for mince pies and coffee or whatever for 2-3 hours 🤷

Yes we have a poor relationship. My mum drank too much and was generally unpleasant to me whilst being overly nice to my brother and sil.

Just say you have got plans, you’re staying home. Just please yourself OP.

Did you point this out to her, or have you just said you haven't made plans for this year yet? Does she know that she behaved like that, or did your brother notice?

I wouldn't go, but I'd make sure she knows why.

But you have made plans - to have Christmas at home, just the three of you. Instead of saying you haven't decided, tell her that.

In that case, you are absolutely not being unreasonable not to want to spend Christmas with your mum.

Start your own Christmas traditions by spending Christmas Day at home with your husband and baby.

Your mum can't treat you like shit while smarming up to your brother and SIL and still expect you to turn up dutifully on Christmas Day. Let her reap what she has sown.

Just do it, your mum can say what she wants you don’t have to change your mind because of it. ‘Thanks mum, but we’ll be having a quiet one at home’, ‘I’m sorry you’re disappointed, this is what we’ve decided’, ‘as I’ve already said, we’re having a quiet one at home just us this year, so did you hear about Sandra’s new job’ (insert subject change of choice).

How much of why you had an awful time last year was her fault/ your parents fault in general and how much was just circumstances. If she/ they did anything actively to upset or hurt you I think it’s ok to raise that ‘listen I hear you’d like us to be there for baby’s first Christmas, but as you know from last year the drinking makes me uncomfortable so we’re going to stick to our plans and see you all another day’

If it’s just that you don’t like the way she does the turkey or that they have the heating too high I’d be a bit less direct but still stick to my guns.

Do you not want to see them ever, or just at Christmas?

Grandmother here! My son, DIL and I have a fab relationship, but since they had their daughter I have told them to ALWAYS do what they want at Christmas. We would like to see them at some point, and would like to give her her present in person, but otherwise, crack on.

We had NIGHTMARE Christmases with MIL when ours were small, I wouldn't inflict that on anyone.

So set the scene now 'Christmas Day is going to be just about us, we will call in and see you on x day instead.' Then you are set for future years.

Incidentally, we found brunch on Christmas Eve or whenever worked best for everyone - nap times worked with that, too.

My mother is very proper. She’ll deny she’s ever had too much to drink, she just “isn’t that sort”. Because she can’t ever admit she’s wrong I don’t trust it won’t just be repeated. Imagine you’re dealing with Hyacinth Bucket

Well your baby wont remember her first christmas but tbh I dont know why you go to your mums for christmas at all if she's horrible to you. I wouldnt stand for it.

“Hey mum, thanks for the invite but we will pass this year. Maybe next year?”

Ahh cross posted. In that case I’d probably be direct ‘no mum, you really upset me last year and I don’t want to risk that again so we won’t be there this year, and I won’t be discussing it further’.

To be fair though I’m old and perimenopausal and find it far easier to be direct these days, a few years back I’d have found it much more difficult to do - but I still think it’s the right thing.

Then just remember that the boundary is something you do - your boundary is that you’re not going, full stop, she’s probably going to rant on and push against that boundary but you don’t have to move it. And you can set another one and end any conversations where she’s calling you ridiculous or refusing to take no for an answer ‘sorry mum, I’m not going to keep talking about this so I’ll say bye for now’ etc.

The fact that she said you were “weaponising” the baby rather than acknowledging that it should be about whatever is best for the baby and new parents says it all. I can see why Christmas was shit with her, she sounds incredibly selfish

That's so difficult. Is getting drunk a Christmas thing or more regular? I was wondering if your brother or Sil would support your decision to stay away.

If she's a difficult person in general it sounds like you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Stay away - you might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb.

This first year is setting a precedent for the future. You spent last year with her, so without baby would you be spending this year with in-law? Either way, what you do this year is important. If you go to in-laws then next you will be obligated to go to hers and so on.

i would tell both parents that this year is the start of your family traditions. If you want to have it alone the 3 of you then do that.

my son and DIL spend Christmas at home, and Christmas Eve with her mum and Boxing Day with me, they have done that for the last 8 years We’re all happy with that, though deep down yes I would like them to come here, couple of years ago they went to her mums for dinner and I was ok”ish about it didn’t say anything just smiled and wished them a nice time. The following year there was talk about them doing the same and DH stepped in and pointed out that if they were stopping Christmas alone, then it should be year about. So they came to us, quite honestly it caused so much upset with her mum it just wasn’t worth it, this year I’ve booked a family cottage with everyone coming I’ve extending the invitation to son and DIL and her mum and brother but don’t know yet if they are coming, ooohhh the drama of Christmas 🙄

What the worst she can do ?stop speaking to you?sounds like a win.

Haven't seen my dm since 2012....

You haven't weaponised your baby, you've made plans to spend Christmas the way you want, not the way your mum wants. So you do have something better to do. Your mum is manipulating you, to get her own way.

Definitely have it at home. We do my family Xmas eve, Xmas alone, husbands family boxing day. Its perfect! Christmas day is very chilled, we sometimes stay in pj's!!

‘I’m sorry you feel that way. Wanting to celebrate baby’s first Christmas at home with me and dh is not weaponising baby, its parenting.’
or, if you want to go to the pil.
’im sorry you feel that way. I’m not weaponising my baby, I’m protecting her first Christmas by not going somewhere I’m going to be criticised. We will be at the pil. Happy to meet up on the 23rd or 26th December, but dh and I will leave if you’re either drunk or nasty.’
do what you want.

Your Mum can label your decision anything she wants, it shouldn't change what you do though. She is trying to emotionally blackmail you and gaslight you with the whole I am not the sort to get drunk. You should have filmed her.

Have Christmas at home with your Dh and baby. You can see your parents at any other point, it just won't be Christmas day and I say this as someone who travels every Christmas day because when I get to my sister's house it is welcoming and fun.

You are a grown woman, you can make your own decisions, your Mum doesn't have that sort of say in your life anymore as you are not a child.