AIBU to tell him I have booked the ballet weekend alone?

[cheveuxblanc]

I am in my 50s. I am dating a man who is a bit hopeless.but we go to events together, like ballet and the opera

I said to him a few weeks ago that I had tickets for a ballet this weekend if he wanted to come. He did not reply. It is also my birthday next week and he said he was not able to think of something to do this weekend as he had too much else to think about - this really related to a weekend in Rome for him and his daughter that I had paid for but he was stressed about: he’s been now and had a ball but not mentioned next weekend since he’s been back this week.

I obviously have the tickets, and have booked a hotel room for myself as well as a nice meal.
He has not yet asked about the weekend and what I am doing, but would I be unreasonable to tell him that he had his chance and I have booked a night just for me?

Match the energy and priority he gives to you.
Keep him as a casual person to do stuff with when it suits you and on your terms if that works for you. If not, ditch.

I hope you can sell the second ticket or take a friend with you?

Just dump him and then you won't have to worry about it.

Why oh why do I keep reading this as 'tell him I've booked the toilet weekend alone'???

I need help!

Take a friend. Dump the man.

@cheveuxblanc why on earth did YOU pay for his and his daughter's holiday? He sounds like a parasite. Dump him before he leeches any more money off you. Do you not have a friend who'd like to go with you, just call the hotel and get the room changed to a twin.

Of course he wants to move in with you..He has cocklodger written all over him!

You deserve better lovely, he know's what he is doing ignoring your birthday, I bet he is waiting for you to say don't forget the Ballet is booked Saturday, then he would say something along the lines of "oh yes, I forgot all about that!" so that he doesn't have to pay/organise anything, but quite comfortably freeload of you! Does he ever pay for the meal's that you book?

This is exactly what I would do.

How long has he been back from Rome for?
He sounds a bit low effort tbh.

Do you think he's forgotten about the ballet or do you think he's avoiding? Is the ballet actually on your bday weekend?

I think it would be jarring to me that he was so stressed about a holiday that you arranged and paid for for him, that he couldn't discuss your birthday and now he's forgotten?

I think this would definitely make me want to scale back any effort from me towards him.
I'd just go to the ballet myself and I'd tell him that he didn't want to confirm anything when you tried to discuss it, and you're going by yourself now and he's missed his chance.

You'll be able to see whether he attempts to make it up to you or makes any effort for your birthday and I think you'll probably feel a bit clearer after that.

Only possible if you have a bar in the first place

OP doesn't sadly.

Give yourself the birthday gift of getting rid of this hopeless man, and promising yourself that you'll never drag a hopeless man around behind you again.

You're worried about telling him you've made plans, so you'll sit there with none to save his feelings? Fuck that! That's not how it works. You need to learn how to put yourself first. Stop prioritising this man, he's got you on a string when and where he wants you, and that understandably is starting to wear thin with you. He won't change things, why would he, so you will have to.

You go to things with him because you do all the organising. Stop it. He did something nice for you a few years ago when something back happened, was supportive? Good, all that proves is that he's not a sociopath. You don't have go lay down at his feet forever in gratitude. Stop feeling like you owe him. This relationship has become a bad habit, and it's now costing you in more than money terms. You are being hugely taken for granted. He's had a good run of five years with you at the helm, but it's far past time you pulled up the ladder on him and started to direct your money and energy towards yourself initially, and then make space for someone that doesn't have Hopeless written on his forehead.

Nothing wrong with treating him and his daughter imo if you can afford to and wanted to.
I just think it's inadvertently highlighted the discrepancy of effort and attention. It's not about the money

I think this is very much it

I think this is a wake up call for you on the difference in effort, resources and attention you are putting into this relationship versus him.
I think you would be unreasonable if you did NOT go alone / take someone else to the ballet. If he asks, tell him as he didnt answer you gave the ticket to someone else / sold it / whatever excuse. I wouldn’t be afraid to tell him about MY plans to go to the ballet, that he is not part of, if the subject comes up.
Going forward I would match his energy in the relationship. This may mean you end up being casual friends who occasionally do something together and the relationship comes to a natural conclusion. So be it.
Plan something else for your birthday and if he gets around to discussing it at some point, tell him he’s too late, he didn’t want to hear about it so you made alternative plans he is not part of. You look forward to whatever he is going to arrange to make it up to you.

Have a lovely weekend on your own.
If he says anything, remind him that you asked him to the ballet weeks ago and he never replied.
I think he sounds like too much hard work, honestly. I'm in my 50s too and I don't want people in my life who I have to work at like that.

Gosh, he must be terrifically good in bed to merit this much effort when he’s so gormless 😂

Does he even like ballet? I love ballet but my DH would not set foot in a ballet production.
aside from that, he’s rude and inconsiderate to not acknowledge anything you are saying about it, you have also paid for his trip.
are you sure he is that into you or are you trying to shower him with gifts to gain his attention and it’s still not working?

Of COURSE he'd move in cos whisky I don't doubt you're fantastic as a human being, you're also a blank check and future nanny and housekeeper.

Don't you have any girlfriends to go with? I'd jump at a weekend away with the ballet and good food!!

Oh and I wouldn't future plan ANYTHING. Just don't mention it unless he specifically asks then tell him, oh I've got a weekend away to see X as a test to myself. Don't invite him, if he days oh yes I'm coming say no, you didn't reply so I only have one ticket.

There is this 😄

Then, OP, if you want to continue and enjoy this relationship without feeling taken for granted , you probably need to make it clearer to him that he has to be more proactive in making actual arrangements for interesting events/dates/experiences for you both, not just leaving it up to you.

Perhaps suggest it's ' his turn' to organise the next date/event and go from there.

If he organises it, he can also influence the cost of the dates, even if you start to share the cost of tickets etc.

Please don’t chase him to come with you. Surely you can do better.

How old is his child though, if she lives with him full time that’s a lot. Is he hopeless or overwhelmed?

But this has upset me

So tell him his behaviour is thoughtless, dismissive and hurtful.

He manages to hold down a job, he's capable of booking a meal or responding to a text.
He choses not to because you will pick up the slack, book the meal, book the hotel, organise the travel, pay the bill and he does nothing.

Fine if you find that an adorable quirk. But you don't.
So buck up or fuck off Mr Freeloader.

Perhaps he doesn't really like ballet but has been going along with you simply because you bought the tickets. There's nothing worse than sitting next to somebody's husband at the ballet who's been dragged along and is plainly bored rigid and spends the time yawning or fiddling with his water bottle. It can be very distracting. At the Royal Opera House you can return your unwanted ticket and they will reimburse you minus an admin fee if they manage to sell it before the performance, which they more than likely will. Go alone - you will enjoy it so much more if you're not worrying about whether your companion really wants to be there.