AIBU to tell him I have booked the ballet weekend alone?

[cheveuxblanc]

I am in my 50s. I am dating a man who is a bit hopeless.but we go to events together, like ballet and the opera

I said to him a few weeks ago that I had tickets for a ballet this weekend if he wanted to come. He did not reply. It is also my birthday next week and he said he was not able to think of something to do this weekend as he had too much else to think about - this really related to a weekend in Rome for him and his daughter that I had paid for but he was stressed about: he’s been now and had a ball but not mentioned next weekend since he’s been back this week.

I obviously have the tickets, and have booked a hotel room for myself as well as a nice meal.
He has not yet asked about the weekend and what I am doing, but would I be unreasonable to tell him that he had his chance and I have booked a night just for me?

Happy birthday for the weekend!

Anyone else you fancy taking if would rather go with company? Or just have a lovely time alone. I am sad for you though, seems that you are thoughtful (buying a trip to Rome for him and his daughters) and getting little in response, not even for your b'day.

I hope you can voice your concern to him, if you are fond, give him a chance to see that he's taking the pee out of you. If not, perhaps find someone who is not hopeless and values you more. You deserve it.

Sounds like this is a bit one sided. I’d stop making all the effort and if he doesn’t bother you know your answer I’m afraid.

If ballet is London happy to buy his spare ticket. I am free this weekend. Don't need the hotel!

For me, it depends.
Would you prefer his company? Or do you like going to things on your own ?

If you like his company / doing things together - which I presume you do or you wouldn't keep inviting him / buying 2 tickets - then I would just ask him. "You didn't answer when I invite you to the ballet on 12th. Are you coming or shall I ask Jane / go on my own ?"
Why deprive yourself of his company if that makes the evening a better evening, just because he is organisationally challenged ?

However If you have just had enough of his difficulty with organisation of life, then you are in no way obliged to continue seeing him. If you feel it will be a weight off your shoulders to just arrange your own social life rather than both of yours, then do that.
I stopped seeing someone who was otherwise a really nice boyfriend because he was constantly late to things and it drove me spare. Yes, he was nice in lots of ways but that was something I couldn't live with. OTOH I have a friend who is hopeless at organising things, terrible about actually organising day to day arrangements BUT is a lovely, kind, caring friend (late diagnosis of ADHD) and it really doesn't bother me that I end up doing all the organising (and still have to remind her) because I enjoy her company so much.

YWNBU to go alone (or take a friend - I hate wasting tickets)
but equally
YWNBU to ask him again.
It really depends how much him being there makes your evening better.

If he asks then tell him your plans. If he doesn't, you'll know he's thoughtless and not worth spending your birthday with.

Happy birthday.

If he says anything, say "oh, I didn't think you wanted to come, I asked you if you wanted to and you didn't reply, and also said that you had too much to think about to be doing anything".
Then GO to the ballet, and have a lovely time!
I'm off for a weekend away by myself to see a play soon, looking forward to it.
If I waited around for others, I'd never get to do anything lol

‘I’m going on my own. You did nothing for my birthday because ‘you were too stressed about your trip to Rome’ I booked and paid for for you and your dd, I didn’t even go. I don’t want you along on this weekend, it’s my birthday and I don’t want to spend it doing things I’ve planned and you just get to enjoy. Isn’t it ever going to be the other way around? Because this isn’t much of a relationship.

Just put your phone on mute and enjoy!!

It's been a while years but I recognise this feeling all too well. We'll all break our ankles running to thread to tell you to block his arse , but you know full well if he manages to pull something off last minute, then this thread would have been for nothing .
And you know it 😉.

Anyway, happy birthday for the weekend, whatever you decide to do.

Ha, this is all too true

he can be personable and fun so I let him away with it

But this has upset me

Yes. Thank you. I doubt myself at times,

Don't doubt yourself. He sounds like a total user.

Am I right in guessing he hinted that the weekend in Rome with his DD would be something he would like and needed?

Focus on the other people in your life, and if you feel like you need more people, start building up that village. I know lots of people who would fancy a weekend away to the ballet and who would also spoil you rotten for your birthday. Go find those people.

Surely in your fifties( or any age) it's far far better to be single than be with someone like this hopeless user. It's not like you're desperate to find someone to marry and have children with. What is he bringing to your life that makes it better?
Go to the ballet weekend on your own and then get rid.

Don't be worried. Be honest with him . He needs a reality check and to understand why you are (hopefully) breaking up with him. I'm sorry OP. That must be incredibly disappointing. You absolutely deserve better. I really hope you enjoy your weekend 💐💐💐

Thanks all

I don’t want a live in relationship because of my dc and his child but I think this is not enough. He’d willingly move in but absolutely not!

I do loads of things on my own as it is (he has his child full time). I got two tickets as we normally go together and sit in the cheap seats

As I write this it’s obvious this has run its course

Why not contact the theatre and see if you can exchange your two cheap tickets for one good seat, if there's any left. Make your treat to yourself something really special.

Well, it's obvious why he is with you, but I can't work out why you are with him.

Honestly, it would be truly exceptional circumstances where I'd bankroll a man. When I was single, I might let the man pay for the first date but I'd make sure that the second date was low cost or I'd be paying half or all of the bill. He sounds a bit of a user. Though maybe if you just want companionship and somebody to eat out with or go to the theatre etc then he fulfils a useful function being personable in return for you paying for everything. I guess it depends on your financial position but if it were me it would me and my child having the holiday in Rome - don't fritter away an inheritance - that money could have been spent on your child or saved for future university costs or driving lessons and any number of things. So if you want to keep him on you should be clear-eyed about what he brings to the relationship. The birthday is a particularly poor effort and you could expect more from a man who is seemingly dependent on your largesse for his social life.

Ask him to pay you back for the trip.
Break up with him, harshly.
Never see him again.

I agree with everyone who has correctly pointed out that this man is getting far more out of this relationship than you are strictly financially - but I also understand that there is more at stake than just the finances.

I’ve been single 10 years (my DC are still at home though so I’m not quite at your stage) and I get that sometimes we want company. I am totally independent, I solo travel (on the rare occasions that my kids’ dad has them!), work, have a sideline business etc. I made the decision that I was never moving in with another man but that can be lonely.

what I’m trying to say is, if you honestly would rather have his company, I would remind him about the ballet - I think he has forgotten. But if he is still not stepping up to doing something nice for your birthday I’d end it.

I recently ended something similar and it felt odd because we were just FWB really, it wasn’t a real relationship at all. But I started to realise I was organising and paying for everything, doing all the driving if that was needed and he was just showing up to beautiful experiences that he wouldn’t have had otherwise!!! Once I saw that I decided I’m better off doing them solo and not listening to him snoring!!

Good luck and happy birthday x

YABU to pay for his weekend to Rome and he can’t even give you the courtesy of a text for your birthday. I know it was a nice thing for you to do but he clearly doesn’t appreciate you. Enjoy the ballet alone x

Does this man have a job?

I wonder if his colleagues think of him as a "bit hopeless" because he gets paralysed with indecision if he has "too much to think about" and cannot function effectively when stressed about going on holiday.

Or does he just save this behaviour for home?

Dump the lazy leech and enjoy your trip

He’s taking the piss

@cheveuxblanc I am still trying to get my head around the fact that you paid for him and his daughter to go to Rome. I'm just gobsmacked, unless you've been dating for 6+ years.

I think you should go alone and enjoy the trip. Having to beg or pressure someone to spend time with you just devalues you and the experience.

He deserves to be dumped, as he sounds like too much work and self-centered.

Edited to add: You say he is personable so you let him get away with poor behavior. Of course he is personable. He got a trip to Rome and you paying for everything or most everything. He doesn't deserve someone as great and kind as you.