AIBU to tell him I have booked the ballet weekend alone?

[cheveuxblanc]

I am in my 50s. I am dating a man who is a bit hopeless.but we go to events together, like ballet and the opera

I said to him a few weeks ago that I had tickets for a ballet this weekend if he wanted to come. He did not reply. It is also my birthday next week and he said he was not able to think of something to do this weekend as he had too much else to think about - this really related to a weekend in Rome for him and his daughter that I had paid for but he was stressed about: he’s been now and had a ball but not mentioned next weekend since he’s been back this week.

I obviously have the tickets, and have booked a hotel room for myself as well as a nice meal.
He has not yet asked about the weekend and what I am doing, but would I be unreasonable to tell him that he had his chance and I have booked a night just for me?

Happy Birthday @cheveuxblanc! Have a wonderful time enjoying your trip and the ballet!

This really

Definitely don’t bother mentioning it to him again. He and his daughter had a holiday on you, and the ‘stress’ of it means he couldn’t give any headspace to your birthday? Even though you handed it on a plate that you had booked the ballet? Honestly, get rid of him.

He would willingly move in. I bet he would! Classic mn story of single man, targeting financially solvent woman, and taking advantage of generous nature. I notice you say that you pay for all the tickets, also meals out etc? This hopeless man is a potential cocklodger.

What are you afraid of? Don’t mention it, and if it comes up in conversation, just say you fancied a night out by yourself. You not obliged to take him. You’re not tied at the hips.

Incidently, what thanks did you get for the holiday? A gift? And whose idea was it?

I know a few women who have taken on men in their 50s. They all seem to give more than they get back. Housing, money, domestic responsibilities, caring for the man’s DC.

Up to them if this is a price worth paying for companionship. You know your own boundaries. It doesn’t have to be a big deal that he is flaky and hopeless. Some people are just like that. He may be one of those people who are exhausted by activities so are passive and get organised by the people around them.

I wouldn’t mention the ballet again. If he asks just say it was clear he wasn’t interested so you went on your own. Then think about whether his company is better than your freedom to do what you want without feeling like a mug.

I had lovely fun with a hopeless man when I was in my 50s. It ran its course and I remain fond of him but it was eventually not better than being free. He has met and moved in with someone now. Good luck to her!

Take a friend

I know you said you'd never let him move in OP, but don't change your mind! Once he's got his feet under that table you will never get him out. You are clearly a giver. Save your kindness for someone who deserves it. And enjoy the ballet and spoil yourself!

Yeah I think you’re wasting your time with this one. Why be with someone who’s a bit useless?

If you have two tickets why not invite a friend rather than going alone?

Is your new man in genuinely reduced financial circumstances meaning he can't afford to treat you to a nice birthday experience, but is embarrassed that you've booked and paid for your own ballet weekend so he's keeping quiet rather than completely thoughtless?

Or is he just mean and thoughtless generally?

If you date someone without enough money to treat you and is completely thoughtless as well , then don't be surprised if nothing is organised. He may not be a long term prospect, if being treated to something nice, organised by him for your birthday on his own initiative at his expense, is important to you.

If he's just mean and thoughtless generally but happy to accompany you to events at your expense and does nothing in return , then he definitely won't suit you long term .

In the circumstances, I'd probably to the ballet weekend on my own, if he shows no interest in recognising it's my birthday, and I'd enjoy it more without having a reluctant freeloading companion with me.

Hmmm. free hotel, free meal, possibly sex? All in his home town. If he realises this I think he will be v.enthusiastic as he was about the free holiday. Go on your own and see what he says.

I would play it cool for now, make no big deal about the ballet weekend upset. I would say you need to take back that Rome holiday money briefly as the boiler is broken. (have text exchange about it that indicates you paid for his holiday so its in writing) Dump him after a month or so.
That's what I would do because I am rather fond of my own money.

He couldn't talk to you because he was stressed about a holiday without you ,you paid for and he's not responding ?

Op if your own DC told you this or a close friend ,what would you say ?

This man is a con artists and a their

Run a bloody mile fast !

I dumped a guy because he did nothing for my 40th - and I had asked him to arrange something. It made me realise that what I wanted would never count for anything unless it was what he also wanted, and I deserve more than that.

@Seajaye he's not mean and thoughtless, he’ll buy me thoughtful gifts, and stuff. He is not well off but has a proper job. He doesn’t know I’ve booked a hotel and stuff as I’ve just left the whole conversation on the weekend!

We’ve been together for around five years, it was great fun to start with. He also was very good about a terrible thing that happened shortly thereafter (nothing to do with him) and I think that’s why it’s kept going, maybe?

the whole trip for him and his dc was at my suggestion, as they’ve been through the mill, and whilst I want absolutely no part in taking on another child I was happy with the opportunity to do something nice. My own dc have plenty of opportunities, fear not. I’m not resentful about that money at all, rather the response to doing something else.

Id be happy with doing fun stuff but not always at my instigation, I guess

He just can’t be bothered OP. It’s an active choice he is making that he can’t be fucked to make an effort for you.

It sounds horrible, I know. But please make your mantra on this “If he wanted to, he would!”.

I hope you have a wonderful birthday weekend. I wouldn’t mention it to him. If it does come up, say you have plans. If he pushes about who with, just laugh and say “exciting plans”. He doesn’t get to muscle in, if he tries, say you just invited a friend from book club. Fuck him. You’re worth more. He won’t change, this is as good as it will get.

Ah, yes, I get that

Op you sound vulnerable . How far do you keep out of family stuff ?
Was it his DD and not his real girl friend he took
Watch a film called the servant with Sarah miles.

Talk to your adult DC about this

My dh ruined my 40th...I threw him out and he took my gifts back !
He was an exh before I was 41.
.

Oh no, definitely not. Honestly, I sound it here but I’m not daft! Plenty of pics and messages and socials about the trip. I don’t give him money, never have, never will. I’ve been crystal clear we won’t be getting married or moving in together. I’m pretty money savvy

this really related to a weekend in Rome for him and his daughter that I had paid for but he was stressed about: he’s been now and had a ball but not mentioned next weekend since he’s been back this week.

Raise the bar OP off the bloody floor and have some pride!

But you paid for a trip for him and his daughter, is that not giving him money?

Go AWOL for weekend

A one sided relationship. Happy to take what you give. Don't be used in this way. I would go on the weekend with a friend or on your own. Enjoy your weekend and slowly withdraw from him when you get back or just dump him quickly. You really deserve better. You are not his rescuer.
Another selfish, thoughtless man.

And Happy Birthday 🎈 x