If the bride isn't bothered should I be?

[HaveYouMetMissBones]

Bride is a good friend. In our group we have had notice of her wedding for nearly 2 years and it's 3 months away. She gave us ample opp. to rsvp with Save The Dates, has kept us up to date with the planning and it's well known she's ordered the favours and seating plan now as well as paid for the entire do with no help and lots of saving up. She invited our friendship group ( all of us are ages 29 to 32 so had a fair few weddings between us now ) and let us all invite our partners. One friend who has form for being spectacularly selfish messaged the group chat yesterday when bride posted to us all to say she isn't coming anymore and has booked a holiday instead as it's the only time she will have to do this with her work schedule. Bride didn't reply at all but another friend said 'wowwww' which i don't necessarily agree was helpful. I saw bride today and she admitted it was really bad form but shrugged and said she will just need to amend the seating plan ( at a fee as ahe already agreed and received the final print ) to remove them and wont get a refund for friend and her boyfriend. She shrugged it off and said at this point what can she really do ? And she wants no ill feelkng before her wedding. Friend can get quite defensive of her choices. I do agree with this and it isn't my wedding but I have to see selfish friend tomorrow at a small group meet up and I don't know what to say when it's bought up, which it will be. I think it's really bloody rude but if I tell her this will it go against my bride friends wishes? Bride friend is lovely and doesn't deserve to be walked all over just because she wont say anything and I find it hard to be fake and pretend someone's not been rude when they have.

Yabu - leave it alone and bite your tongue
Yanbu - she's a cf and needs to know it isn't okay

Perhaps she's covering her plate via cash in a card.
OP does she have a partner? Perhaps he is insisting on going on holiday and it's genuinely the only available time slot? This is an issue in some workplaces. It's also unusual to have no-one to invite so the seats stay empty.

It’s really bad BUT I had two people not turn up on the actual day, and apparent that is quite common (one for illness, so fair; but one just to do with falling to get childcare sorted in time and they’d had six months notice). So maybe bride is more aware having spoken to friends that no shows is a thing and nothing to do with her, so she’s not taking it personally.

i agree your holidaying friend is selfish though.

You probably shouldn’t say anything but if you can’t help it I would say that you think she should refund the meal costs

Most people get 'flu' a day or two before the wedding to avoid the censure. At least she is being honest and has given the bride 3 months to invite someone else.

When did the formal invite come out? You can't turn down a wedding until you receive the invitation.

I haven't voted because I don't think my opinion fits either option.

Yes the friend has been nasty and rude, but if the bride is being kind about it you shouldn't make too big a deal of it.

I think I would be trying to say something, but without knowing more of the personality of rude-friend this suggestion might be too much - but something that's more phrased as a compliment to the bride than an accusation of rude-friend - something like "Your pulling out of the wedding at short notice is costing Mary an extra £200 in reprinting fees, she's such a kind and generous friend to be just dealing with it and moving on, but she's just so lovely like that isn't she - I'm sure she and Dave are going to have a really good marriage" - that focuses the attention on the niceness of the bride rather than putting rude-friend on the spot to defend herself.

Say nothing. Bride has decided she doesn’t want friend group arguments overshadowing her day, you need to respect that. How you deal with her afterwards though is up to you!

Honestly in the throes of wedding planning half the bridesmaids could have dropped dead and I would barely have noticed 😂

She had the opportunity to decline the wedding invitation and she didn’t take it. Accepting the invitation and then pulling out is poor form.

In my experience it would be extremely unlikely that that there will be further drop outs (and date changes?!) unless the bride’s family and friends all come from the same school of bad behaviour as flakey friend. Might get someone who can’t make it on the day for health reasons or car breaking down etc but can’t plan for that.

The OP strongly implies that the invites have been sent, and surely the bride wouldn’t have done the seating plan if that wasn’t the case?! If the wedding is taking place over a busy holiday period (Christmas?) then getting the invites out early can be sensible.

Op is implying that a Save the Date is a formal invite, sent 2 years in advance of the actual wedding. Read the first paragraph of the first post.

Formal invites are not normally sent until 2 mths before the wedding.

Lots and lots can happen over a 2 year period.

People are encouraging the Op to shit stir when neither the bride or friend have done nothing wrong other than getting a seating plan printed far too early

If this is the case then it certainly changes things, but it’s not how I interpreted it. Formal invites are sometimes sent out much earlier than 2 months. Perhaps the OP could clarify?

I’d say nothing, partly because that’s probably the grown up thing to do, partly because it’ll really annoy holiday friend (not grown up at all!)

if it’s brought up I’d say something like “bride friend doesn’t want anyone to make a big deal of it so let’s change the subject”. That was holidaying friend knows it’s been discussed, that you disapprove but that it’s not to be argued over.

Read the first post they RSVPs to Save the Dates 2 years ago.

we have had notice of her wedding for nearly 2 years and it's 3 months away. She gave us ample opp. to rsvp with Save The Dates,

While its not ideal, a lot can happen in 2 years, I guarantee they'll be couples who've got together or split in that time, maybe have babies or died.

Printing a table plan so early is silly.

Definitely agree with this, don't bring it up at all. If she does, just say that you hope she has a good holiday, no discussion about where she is going, then change the subject.

Are you saying the friend RSVPd a long time ago but cancelled 3 months before the wedding because she decided to book a holiday at the time of the wedding and has done similar before ?
If so, i can understand your feelings about her behaviour.
However, i think it unwise to express how you feel to her as the bride has said to let it go.
I would though think this friend is unreliable and probably wouldn't invite her if you get married!

It’s just the way I read it, like there was a comma missing after rsvp and save the dates was a separate mention. And because it’s incredible that any bride would be printing off table plans without official rsvps! Like many OPs, it reads like a stream of consciousness and not very clear 🙄.

If you’re right, then that definitely changes the situation - although if this is a very close friend of the bride (OP doesn’t mention that) I would still find it slightly poor effort but not a capital offence.

Shame the OP doesn’t seem to be returning to clarify what was meant!

I'm definitely reading it as RSVPs were done to save the dates.
There is no mention of formal invites going out, which I'd only expect to be going out now. 2-3 months before the wedding.

This isn’t about you. It’s between the bride and her friend. Leave it to them. Don’t roll your sleeves up, get stuck in and cause drama

Hi all thanks for your replies! Sorry it's veen a busy week but thoughts I'd come back to update. I didn't say anything but when I saw friend and another friend group in the eve during the week she didn't say anything to me directly and was in a bit of an off-ish mood with everyone so not sure it was anything to do with me or anyone there. I didn't bring up travelling or friends wedding at all, although someone else did who isn't going to the wedding but has met bride to be before and said to me "I saw Lucy's post about going blonde is that for the wedding?' ( Lucy's is the bride ) and I just said oh yes, flaky friend then piped up 'I love her but blonde is a choice before a wedding'. Took all my self control not to say 'well you aren't even going!' haha but luckily my other friend said 'a good choice she looks amazing' so I think there's a bit of jealousy there. I think you're all right silence is the best option with people like this! Glad my bride friend is nearly a week on an completely unfussed I think she was right to stay drama free now.

@HaveYouMetMissBones

Have the actual formal invites gone out, or is it still just the Save the Dates?

Formal invites went out about 3 months ago so six months before the wedding. I get from some posts people think it's early, but it's quite a big wedding at a nice venue so I don't blame bride for wanting to know who is and isn't coming sooner for cost purposes. It isn't just this couple, if whole families took their time to get leave / childcare etc and rsvp those six months can dissappear very quickly. It also allowed us all to pick our meals which flaky friend would have done. Not sure if that has any impact on the cost but it certainly shows she was committed to attending.

6 months is incredibly early to send formal invites and rsvps. My whole wedding was organised in 7mths for 100 people, and I can't be the only person to go with a fairly short engagement. Most venues don't need final numbers until a couple of weeks before the actual wedding.

Your bride friend isn't letting the put out upset her and you shouldn't either.