If the bride isn't bothered should I be?

[HaveYouMetMissBones]

Bride is a good friend. In our group we have had notice of her wedding for nearly 2 years and it's 3 months away. She gave us ample opp. to rsvp with Save The Dates, has kept us up to date with the planning and it's well known she's ordered the favours and seating plan now as well as paid for the entire do with no help and lots of saving up. She invited our friendship group ( all of us are ages 29 to 32 so had a fair few weddings between us now ) and let us all invite our partners. One friend who has form for being spectacularly selfish messaged the group chat yesterday when bride posted to us all to say she isn't coming anymore and has booked a holiday instead as it's the only time she will have to do this with her work schedule. Bride didn't reply at all but another friend said 'wowwww' which i don't necessarily agree was helpful. I saw bride today and she admitted it was really bad form but shrugged and said she will just need to amend the seating plan ( at a fee as ahe already agreed and received the final print ) to remove them and wont get a refund for friend and her boyfriend. She shrugged it off and said at this point what can she really do ? And she wants no ill feelkng before her wedding. Friend can get quite defensive of her choices. I do agree with this and it isn't my wedding but I have to see selfish friend tomorrow at a small group meet up and I don't know what to say when it's bought up, which it will be. I think it's really bloody rude but if I tell her this will it go against my bride friends wishes? Bride friend is lovely and doesn't deserve to be walked all over just because she wont say anything and I find it hard to be fake and pretend someone's not been rude when they have.

Yabu - leave it alone and bite your tongue
Yanbu - she's a cf and needs to know it isn't okay

Don’t give it to her - now. Do not do anything to upset the bride - she clearly wants to let it go.

Just wait until it’s this woman’s next birthday or some event that she’s organised - and bail out a few days earlier because you’ve got something else on. People like this only learn when it’s done to them.

Agree with others that cancelling 3 months out should have zero impact on seating plan and money so I am not sure that part is true. Normally invites don't officially go out until about 3 months before the wedding with save the date having been sent earlier.

But yes your friend is selfish to pull out and it is pretty poor behaviour to do it on a group chat and not contact bride personally to explain, the bride is probably well aware of what she is like and does not want her wedding tainted by it so let her handle it how she wants to. No doubt she has her marked and will not engage with her much after this.

I honestly don't think it's selfish to pull out a wedding with 3 mths notice.

Thank goodness I'm not the only one. Is this a thing now? Seating plans fixed and printed more than three months ahead? And pulling out thrre months ahead being a cardinal sin?

If this is genuinely the only time that the friend can go away, surely it's selfish to deny her an annual holiday? She's not bride's family, and a holiday vs a single day at a friend's wedding... there's no contest surely?

Just ignore, that friend is rude. Bride should ask a distant cousin or work colleague she likes and pop them on the table instead! Bride can just amend the names then, hopefully less of a cost or loss at least.

Its 3 months before the date, the formal invites probably haven't even been sent out yet.
You can't class a Save the Date as a formal invite.

3 months not 3 days.

Go back a few years and Save the Dates weren't even a thing.

Exactly we have no idea what other constraints this girl is operating with.

3 months is December, she could be a teacher or going on holiday with kids visiting family elsewhere for Christmas.
Maybe its exams.

Who knows but stirring up trouble over a wedding when the bride has said let it go is completely wrong.

I'd tell her not to change the seating plan if there is a fee and no refund. Try to fill the seats from the evening do. Apart from that just leave it.

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

How weird would you feel if you rock up at a wedding, and someone said 'we made a mistake with the seating plan, your in Mr & Mrs Smiths seats on table 9'

You'd know you were a last minute addition.
I just can't believe the bride had it printed before getting the RSVPs back.

Leave it - I hate it when someone gets offended on my behalf about something I don't care about. It's quite stressful when that happens - the bride clearly doesn't want to stress about it, so don't do so on her behalf.

This is exactely what hapened to me this summer. My sons friend was getting married, I also knew her well from them being school friends. Someine dropped out, she asked us if we'd like to be 'upgraded' from the evening do to the full day and we were more than happy to oblige.

If she brings it up, I’d say “ No comment” which says a lot without really saying anything.

I would not say anything directly to her - especially not before the wedding. But I would remember, think a lot less of her, and possibly be less likely to include her in any invites and events.

If holiday friend brings it up, which she absolutely will, just shrug and say the brides not bothered so?...

I would also step back a bit from her, no time for nonsense like this.

I don't understand why you would be upset about this. It's annoying, it's done, it's not going to spoil anything.

Don't be a drama llama.

Darn rude but why does a seating chart need to be done this early, I can virtually guarantee something else will change.

”friend” sounds horrible and that’l she has form for being a selfish cow. Why are you tolerating her? I’d bin her off quick smart!

@HaveYouMetMissBones I'd tell it was rude. That is your own opinion. Can;t the bride fill the spaces with 2 other people?

I wouldn’t bring it up as bride has asked you not to, but if someone else does then I’d saying something neutral but clearly disapproving like ‘I think it’s unfortunate that your decision has cost bride money’ and leave it at that even if pressed. Agree with previous poster that a deafening ‘don’t care’ silence from everyone would make the point that friend is not especially missed or wanted at the event anyway! I’d be very careful to note this for future interactions and cut my friendship with this person accordingly.

You have seen a friend behave in a way that's put you off her. So you can decide what that means for your friendship with her going forward. If you want to distance yourself, that's your right.
What would be an overstep is to wade in to defend your friend against her explicit wishes.

I can't believe the responses on here. MN normally has the logic its an invitation not a summons.

Its not like she's left it to the last minute 3 months is plenty notice that she's unable to make it.

And I agree if I was the Bride I'd hold of with the seating plan for another couple of months. Its guaranteed that someone else will drop out or dates change.

Bad form of the friend but she's showing her priorities so it is what it is, saying nothing and dont give a reaction.

Please tell your bride friend not to bother getting the seating plan printed again until the week of the wedding because she will undoubtedly have more changes to it over the next 3 months!

The wedding is still 3 months away, that’s plenty of notice and the bride still has ample time to invite another couple in their place. Your friend likely won’t be the only person to drop out, there will probably be people who drop out with only a few days to go or even on the day of the wedding. Most people have their own lives going on and a wedding doesn’t trump everything else, if this was genuinely the only time friend could get off for a holiday I can see why she has prioritised a whole week away over a single day as a wedding guest.

Anyway, it’s none of your business so regardless of whether you agree or disagree bite your tongue and stay out of it.

This may horrify you but lots of people go without holidays every year and survive. It’s not essential to life. Also seems pretty unlikely that with 2 years notice she couldn’t arrange her annual leave to avoid one single day in the year. More likely that’s she’s either terminally disorganised or utterly flakey.

Try reframing prioritising ‘just a wedding’ as prioritising ‘a good friend’. If she couldn’t be bothered to commit to the wedding she shouldn’t have RSVP’d yes.