If the bride isn't bothered should I be?

[HaveYouMetMissBones]

Bride is a good friend. In our group we have had notice of her wedding for nearly 2 years and it's 3 months away. She gave us ample opp. to rsvp with Save The Dates, has kept us up to date with the planning and it's well known she's ordered the favours and seating plan now as well as paid for the entire do with no help and lots of saving up. She invited our friendship group ( all of us are ages 29 to 32 so had a fair few weddings between us now ) and let us all invite our partners. One friend who has form for being spectacularly selfish messaged the group chat yesterday when bride posted to us all to say she isn't coming anymore and has booked a holiday instead as it's the only time she will have to do this with her work schedule. Bride didn't reply at all but another friend said 'wowwww' which i don't necessarily agree was helpful. I saw bride today and she admitted it was really bad form but shrugged and said she will just need to amend the seating plan ( at a fee as ahe already agreed and received the final print ) to remove them and wont get a refund for friend and her boyfriend. She shrugged it off and said at this point what can she really do ? And she wants no ill feelkng before her wedding. Friend can get quite defensive of her choices. I do agree with this and it isn't my wedding but I have to see selfish friend tomorrow at a small group meet up and I don't know what to say when it's bought up, which it will be. I think it's really bloody rude but if I tell her this will it go against my bride friends wishes? Bride friend is lovely and doesn't deserve to be walked all over just because she wont say anything and I find it hard to be fake and pretend someone's not been rude when they have.

Yabu - leave it alone and bite your tongue
Yanbu - she's a cf and needs to know it isn't okay

She sounds like a narcissist!
By doing this she is showing she doesn't give a f++CK and she knows it will piss people off and she will be waiting for it to kick off
Best thing is to stay silent this will hurt her beyond belief because she won't get the reaction or attention she craves !!!
You sound like a good friend ! X ❤️

I think you need to follow the bride’s wishes. But if you are planning a big party or wedding in the near future, don’t invite her! Any complaints: ‘After friends wedding I assumed these get togethers weren’t important to you and didn’t want to risk losing a lot of money like she did’.

If the friend mentions it I would say ‘I don’t think she’s bothered that you can’t come but I would be annoyed if I was her that you’ve cost her money’

I agree with this strategy. Just no attention on it at all - you don't mention it and if she does just change the subject. 'Sounds fun! Did you see easterners yesterday?'

Respect the brides wishes

Don't create drama. It's not your wedding.

So the friend isn’t married yet? Well they say revenge is a dish best served cold, I’d do the same back to her when the time comes

I think you’re all being a bit dramatic, to be honest. Declining a wedding invitation with three months’
notice is generally completely acceptable, and for your friend to have seating plans printed up this far ahead is way outside the norm - there are often last-minute cancellations, and for most venues the final numbers and seating plan are only looked for about four weeks before the wedding.

I can understand the bride being a bit miffed, but it really shouldn’t need to become a big drama. And you certainly don’t need to get involved.

If it comes up you might want to say something like ‘ i assume you told her ( the bride) yourself - not via the group
message. It’s bad firm
nit to have done that .

I think it's unusual that three months notice isn't enough not to lose money isn't it?

Not sure we'd even sent invitations out at that point!

That's not to say it's not rude of the friend to holiday instead.

I guess she's not such a friend after all.

Planning a wedding 2 years in advance is normal

Maybe the bride is just going to ask someone else to go instead? Three months out seems very early to be finalising anything.

I would be the same as the bride. She is getting married, making a commitment to someone l, she will be organising, spending a fortune. So what if someone isn't able to come

Let it go..

And not your battle..say nothing.

Hope.the wedding goes well

Don't say anything that gives her the impression her attendance is important or she matters in any way.

Shrug it off, be dismissive. it's no big deal, you won't be missed sort of attitude. Obviously you don't say that.

The bride has been told that a spectacularly selfish person can't come, with three months' notice? Sounds perfect tbh - she's probably relieved!

Going to a wedding of a friend (with your partner and the rest of your friendship group,)is supposed to be a nice thing - yes?

So why are you feeling/acting like by not going your friend is getting out of something/getting off the hook?

No one has to go to someone else's wedding. She has given 3 months notice. Yes this may change how you/ the bride feels about this mate as a natural consequence.

I wouldn't give it another thought. If she mentions she is going on holiday I would just say something like "that's a shame -I'm really looking forward to it" and say no more. It's her that is missing out surely?

Also surely the bride can just invite 2 other friends/relatives/colleagues/neighbours in their place?

It doesn't matter when you sent your invites out, it's clear there was a save the date and that the final invites have been sent out and this woman has accepted.

It's an interesting debate on whether it's your business if within a friendship group, one is reading another shittily. Firstly, this is someone you care about being potentially hurt, secondly it's likely to affect the dynamics going forward.

Do you never stand up for anyone else?

But yes op go for no comment, steer away from holiday chat. Only if she really pushes the subject would I have a line prepared. Actually, i think it's poor form to bail out on your friends special day, costing her money, ahittily you decided you found something better to do.

I probably wouldn’t bring the subject up but if she or someone else brought it up I would let her know that I thought her actions were out of order.

Three months before the wedding is batshit to have a seating plan printed. I do seating plans in my work. We print as close to the wedding as possible. 9 times out of 10 there are drop outs the weekend before. If there are more drop outs after print, just let the venue know. They’ll sort it from there. It’s really not a big deal!

Honestly, I don’t see how this is a big deal. Friends and family didn’t come to our wedding for all sorts of reasons, including dropping out at the last minute. With 3 months notice, surely the bride and groom have other people they could invite instead? And printing a seating plan so far in advance is just asking for trouble, we had lots of change with illness/couples splitting up in the weeks before the wedding. We finalised ours the day before!

I wouldn't be able to stop myself from saying something like, "oh, you've come have you? You must not have got a last minute better offer this time." What a rude cow!

I think I'd say something if she mentions it, even if "well I couldn't do it, knowing it would leave the Bride with costs but you do you". But if she doesn't, I'd leave well alone.

Yes if guests accept an invitation, it's poor form to change their mind. Agreed on that

But isn't "save the date" just "letting you know the date and you'll be invited, invitation follows nearer the time"?

OP didn't say that the guest had accepted an invitation

She has a seating plan. I doubt she's done that without people confirming they're coming - it does say invited so I think that imies an invite.

But even saying they haven't had an invite. Your close mate todl you two years ago when the wedding was, you've told her your coming, you know she's done a seating plan and favours. Deciding sctually meh, you'd rather go in holiday is shitty behaviour

Don’t get involved. You’ll end up the bad guy and they will still be friends.