AIBU to want something in return?

[Turtleyturtles]

I do all the school admin for 2 DC - reading the daily messages on the app, newsletters, checking school bags etc. My ex does zero school admin. We both work full-time. I have been doing this for 11 years and have asked him many times and in many different ways to contribute to this. I end up reminding him to do things so DC don't miss out.

We co-parent and have DC an equal number of nights.

ABIU to ask him to contribute something else, given he's apparently incapable of checking the messages? I'm thinking about asking him to look after DC when I am away (maybe 4 or 5 weekends per year) and then not asking for nights to 'make up for' me not having them.

This sounds very tit for tat and petty.

Of course their dad should do some of the parenting, but it can get confusing if you don't know who has done what.

Does he take responsibility for other things?

So you want to spend less time with your own children if it's currently 50/50 and you want to go on holiday without your children?

Ridiculous.

You can give it a fancy label if you like, but ‘admin’ is just a minuscule part of normal everyday parenting.

I would imagine a healthy proportion of couples who are still together also operate in this way. It wouldn’t have occurred to me to ask for weekends away in payment!

Nah, get him to sort a club (or several). And I mean properly sort including all paperwork, matches, and kit.

I'm going to ask my husband to repay me for my school admin with weekends away. 😂 This is really daft it's part of being a parent!

I think it'd be healthier if you could just accept this disparity between you, and let it wash.

Agree with pp get him responsible for a hobby or something for the kids.

When did messages/newsletters become "admin" with regard to childrens education. 😂

Yes, I love going on holiday without my children. It's bliss! And yes, it has to be tit for tat otherwise I do everything and he takes advantage and does nothing. He takes very little responsibility which is why I left him. He is a man child. Their dad should do precisely half the parenting. He chose the have them after all.

Hahaha! Nope. That's enabling. It is not a 'disparity'. It's unfair. He is a man child.

Well, you picked him.

When mothers started to work full time and ended up doing all this stuff on top of their actual jobs? At my DCs school there's loads of it every single day and it takes up lots of space in my head. My mum did it all without calling it anything because she was a full time mum. That was her job. I have a job and so does my ex which is why it should be shared.

How would precisely half of the school admin work? You take a kid each? You wouldn’t be able to trust him to do it anyway, by the sounds of it.

Love it, hilarious. Yep, my fault for picking him when I was 18 and knew exactly how he would turn out. Definitely not his fault for being a man child.

Miniscule?

🤣🤣🤣

Is it part of being a parent to accept inequality? I used to be lovely and kind, what a mug. It has to be direct and transactional now otherwise he does nothing.

Well, I assume he didn't turn into a useless man child overnight.

You had two kids with him. He can't have been all that bad.

I am not asking for weekends away in payment. I go away anyway, as does he. But when I go away, he asks me to then make up for the days I have been away by doing his days.

Weird that people are comparing this to if you were in a relationship with him. You’re not, so you don’t have to do him any favours. He needs to do half of the parenting. 50/50 isn’t just about time with them at his house, it’s about taking 50% responsibility. Why should you pick up the slack?

Tell him this clearly. Make a list of tasks and ask him which ones he is now going to take on.

Have a discussion about it: it’s important to maintain a good coparenting relationship so put it to him in a way that he can’t twist it around or make you sound unreasonable. Don’t bring holidays into it, that will just complicate things.

Really depressing to see women saying you should just accept this. Why would you?! You’re not his mother and you don’t have to do his share of tasks.

poor kids

People change. Can posters just stop blaming women for men who decide to be lazy and useless?

I get all the notifications from school but for some reason my husband is the person they call first for anything.

Anyway, anything important I just screenshot and send it my husband. It takes 2 seconds.

Of course it’s minuscule.

These things have never been easier since mobile phones and the internet.

Nah, sorry - people don't suddenly go from being decent, helpful people to useless specimens overnight.

OP must have liked him well enough to have two children with him. Complaining about him now seems a bit silly, especially over something as petty as school admin.

Thank you, I agree, it is depressing. The comments remind me of things he used to say to me to shut me up.

I will do a list of tasks yes and talk to him reasonably, it's tricky though because there is not much he is capable of. He says he doesn't have brain space for all the messages etc, along with most other basic parenting stuff he doesn't do. And yet somehow I do have the brain space. This is because it is important to me and I want the best for my children.

Well said, I really do not want to do his tasks. Although in reality I do of course because I don't want my DC to miss out on the flu nasal spray, clubs, consent for medication, pay for school trips etc.