AIBU to want something in return?

[Turtleyturtles]

I do all the school admin for 2 DC - reading the daily messages on the app, newsletters, checking school bags etc. My ex does zero school admin. We both work full-time. I have been doing this for 11 years and have asked him many times and in many different ways to contribute to this. I end up reminding him to do things so DC don't miss out.

We co-parent and have DC an equal number of nights.

ABIU to ask him to contribute something else, given he's apparently incapable of checking the messages? I'm thinking about asking him to look after DC when I am away (maybe 4 or 5 weekends per year) and then not asking for nights to 'make up for' me not having them.

I am not a mug and my time is valuable.

How has he done this to you for eleven years then?

I've had 4 kids (now grown) and one thing I can advise you regarding primary schools is that a lot of their requests are completely irrelevant to your children's welfare and happiness. Primary schools ask for way too much involvement from parents, but you don't need to bake the cake, man the school fete, sponsor every event or any of that other bollocks. Just do what is absolutely essential for your own children. I spent far too much time being involved in Primary school life and it all means nothing when they go to high school - friendship groups will change, as will hobbies. So don't feel you need to enrol them in every club. You are allowed to treat school purely as the place they go to learn, not the most important aspect of their lives.

Re your ex, you can't make him be a responsible, involved parent. If he's a lazy shit, then that's what you've got to work with. So if he's asking you to mind the kids while he's away, when it's his time, say no. Or if you go away, don't pay back that time, just tell him you consider it payment for him doing fuck all with their school stuff.

Who gets the child benefit? If it's not you, then you need to challenge that as you are the primary carer, based on proportion of responsibility.Maybe reframe it in your mind as admin payment for doing all the extras. Despite doing 50/50 you can still claim child support if he's not actually doing 50% in full (so not paying clubs or uniform or doing his share of dental visits or time off work when the kids are sick).

You can also let down all his tyres or write areshole in lipstick across his windscreen. There's more than one way to make him pay for being an arse!

Thank you for this, you really made me laugh and it's nice to hear from the other side! I absolutely agree and I only do the essential stuff -'good enough' is what I aim for, bed fed and no one dead etc, I don't bake the cakes, sponsor stuff, help at the fete or go on the trips (nor does my ex of course) The essential stuff is all I have time for. I do make friends with other mums though, I think that is important. And I sign them up for clubs because they are free and DC love them.

I get the child benefit which I use to pay for some stuff - school dinners, after school club, swimming, holiday clubs etc. But it doesn't cover much of these costs.

I like your idea of saying no and not paying back that time and considering it as a payment. He would of course use the argument used by many on this thread, such as "how cruel, don't you want to see the children" "You are so mean" "you are so petty" etc etc. But I am wise to this now.

I like your arse payment ideas.

You have my sympathy OP.
He sounds like a complete loser.

Lol, you don't sound very bright. God luck enabling useless men.

Well when my husband was alive I was bright enough to make sure he did his fair share.

Interesting that you should jump to ‘enabling men’ when a woman tells you that simple parenting ‘admin’ doesn’t take up much time.

Clicking buttons for a few minutes really didn’t take up much time for either of us.

The OP’s ex should be doing his share. She doesn’t have to make out it’s more time consuming than it really is, just to get him to step up.

I had to stop reading about 5 posts in.
op you are not unreasonable, the misogyny in this thread is.
men are not babies. They can do the school admin.

yes this

I think a lot of people are misreading that he is your 'ex' and are responding as if you're still together.

Realistically is he going to take more responsibility than he currently does? Or are you going to feel even more constantly pissed off and let down when this man child decides to nope out of that? I don’t disagree with you btw, he should pull his weight just as much as you do.

If you decide to split child admin, I would get ex to do older DC not younger. The older rone will be aware of stuff and be able to prompt him. I would worry though that one DC will have a great school experience, will be vaccinated, go on trips, have a good parents evening etc and the other will miss out. Are you ok with that?

How do you split your week? Do you do one full week and then him or are you doing 3 days and then him 3 days? It might be easier if you only plan stuff for your days. Only pay for stuff on your days. School trips etc should be split. If you are booking the trip tell him to send you his half or DC don't go.

As for weekends away and pay back, if he doesn't do it you shouldn't. If you are then he needs to to.

Just found this thread. Completely agree with everything you say @Turtleyturtles and I also love the EmmaC cartoon, I’ve shared it on here a few times because it’s so perfectly on point.

Next time you go away and your ex asks you to ‘make up’ the time, ask him why he never makes up the time he spends away from them? Tell him when he does, you will. Would that work?

I imagine he’s a lost cause. I struggle with this sort of thing because as well as filling the gaps in his parenting I also protect his reputation with our dc, and at mid teens she thinks he’s great, but he’s really not, he’s completely selfish and puts a host of other people’s wants over her needs. Makes me sad and furious. Do we let the kids know that we’re doing all the work? Maybe we should. “That’s a dad job, tell him if you need it.”

good luck with that lazy arse.

Men have very different ideas of what has to be done, as actually do women when I think of the debates on mn! Some people would deem some of the stuff I do as unnecessary, or say well he’d be forced into some of it, some would never get done and the kids would miss out (either knowing they’d missed out or not). The preemptive nature we have, or the fact we get things done by the day they have to be done, is all a choice. A good choice in my mind as it means kids don’t have to worry etc but just something that unfortunately we just have to suck up and pay ourselves on the back as mostly others won’t (hence the horrific Mother’s Day and birthday day threads on here!!)