AIBU to want something in return?

[Turtleyturtles]

I do all the school admin for 2 DC - reading the daily messages on the app, newsletters, checking school bags etc. My ex does zero school admin. We both work full-time. I have been doing this for 11 years and have asked him many times and in many different ways to contribute to this. I end up reminding him to do things so DC don't miss out.

We co-parent and have DC an equal number of nights.

ABIU to ask him to contribute something else, given he's apparently incapable of checking the messages? I'm thinking about asking him to look after DC when I am away (maybe 4 or 5 weekends per year) and then not asking for nights to 'make up for' me not having them.

Maybe ask him if he's dealt with something, and if he hasn't, say you'll be late to pick up your DC while you deal with it? And do this every time and maybe the message will get through.

So "Have you bought a present for Tom's party this weekend?" and then if he says no, "Ok then, I'm going to be half an hour later than planned picking up DC because I'll need to go to the shop and get one." Rinse and repeat.

My husband is similarly useless at the school letters.

But I we have agreed he does the bins and recycling and I sort the school admin.

I don't think agreeing a split of labour is wrong but I think you are wrong to think whole weekends away are a fair exchange for this- it should be a small daily chore really that plugs away alongside.

I do all the mental load stuff including the school admin and it is annoying so understand your frustration. Not sure what the solution is here though as if he isn't going to do it then you are kind of stuck with it and presumably he views it as a miniscule task as well though I would agree it is not equivalent to a weekend (or 4). I think if you want him to cover an extra weekend then just ask for that and not bring up the admin. Or if you think with the list you can manage to delegate things to him without it actually being more stressful worrying about whether he has actually done said tasks then try that.

I probably didn't explain it right in my original posts. I already go away for whole weekends, as does he. But I have to 'pay back' my nights and days when I go away (in his words) which seems unfair and a touch cheeky given the sheer amount of stuff I do compared with his slender contribution. This has a knock on effect in the week when I have to 'pay back' the days I have been away and I get behind on work, getting on top of the house etc. Other PP say I want a 'reward' for doing the school admin. I don't want a special treat like you would give a dog (!), I always spend any extra time I have being productive - sorting out the kids clothes, working etc. I don't just lounge around watching TV. I am just looking for something he can contribute to.

I think I need to find something else he can contribute to, or as PP have said, sit down with him and show him what school admin actually entails over the course of a week. He will do as little as he can get away with generally, so I don't hold out much hope, but I need to find a way to stop resenting the fact he ignores all school messages. I do find it incredible that a grown up man thinks it's okay to just ignore anything to do with school for his own children - homework, uniform, PE kit, tuck shop money, school trips, communications - he ignores all of it!

Yes, I do already delegate and then chase him up. Delegating is part of the mental load. He should of course just do it as an adult male. But as you and other PP have said, this is very unlikely. After starting this thread and reading the word 'miniscule' several times (!!), I am going to list all the school stuff I do, over a week or month, and see how big or small it really is. To me, doing this stuff matters, consent forms for various things, making sure DC have everything they need for school, supporting them to do clubs and trips they are interested in etc. Maybe other PPs don't do any of this which is why they think it's miniscule? Or perhaps they don't have full time jobs and they have grandparents helping out too? For me, it's one more responsibility, on top of earning a living to pay for almost everything (ex pays for very little). I do wonder whether lots of mumsnetters have husbands who earn money and whether lots of mums therefore work part time. Then of course school admin is doable because you have more time.

I'm waffling now. Thanks for your comment and for understanding the frustration.

I’m assuming she ended the relationship with him and quite possibly due to his laziness / selfishness / inability to organise himself. So why would she want to suck it up forever?! She is allowed to push back

Doing a list of stuff to talk to ex about. Here it is!

School admin over the last 7 days:

DC1

• Read message about free second hand uniform at DC1 school. Rang school to arrange collection. Walked to school to pick it up. Washed, dried, labelled and put away
• Put term dates, training days etc on my calendar
• Made a note of new PE days
• Read school clubs programme. Talked to DC about which she wanted to do. Liaised with ex about clubs on his nights. Filled in form with DC1
• Filled in form about school dinners
• Read letter about first day back at school, later start, different entrance etc. Told DC1 about it and ex
• Read letter about communication at school
• Read letter about nut allergies
• Read letter about school photos, signed form, told DC1 about it
• Checked flu immunisation form was signed
• Read letter about school trip, booked a place on information evening, asked ex if he could go this time
• Replied to accept places at school clubs
• Bought name labels and labelled uniform
• Read letter from DC1's form teacher
• Filled in photo form consent
• Paid instalment of school trip
• Signed daily planner
• Participated in class whatsapp group

DC 2

• Read school newsletter
• Put term dates on my calendar
• Made a note of new PE days
• Made a note of tuck shop day
• Donated old uniform and picked up larger sizes
• Took reading book out of back, read with child, added record to book
• Took homework book out bag, supported child to do homework, made note in book
• Read text in homework book and signed digital awareness form
• Filled in photo consent form
• Filled in medication consent form
• Participated in class whatsapp group

Ex has done precisely nothing, unless asked. He won't put dates on his calendar. His mind is completely free to focus on work and he only deals with stuff if I ask him to (or 'delegate'). What luxury. And he will be taking uniform from my house as if it just magically appears. So on top of the school admin, I am also my ex's line manager! That's two jobs I'm doing.

Miniscule task? Maybe if you are not working full-time as well. This is on top of me buying new uniform, PE kit water bottles, bags, shoes, coats, name labels as required with no practical or financial help from ex. Also sorting out-of-school clubs - swimming etc. YES, it is the start of term and there is always a lot. But actually the messages keep coming - trips, library visits, Halloween, Christmas.

And now for a note on the word 'petty'.

Petty means something of little importance, trivial, or a person who makes a big deal out of small, insignificant matters.

I would argue that equal parenting, and a woman trying to find a way to achieve this, is not an petty act. It is important and significant. And actually brave. It represents a societal issue where women's time is not valued, or paid. And where women's work is invisible. Women should never just suck it up. When you tell a woman she is being petty and making a big deal over nothing, it's a form of gas lighting. It's internalised misogyny. My ex not contributing to the school admin represents a bigger issue - him not contributing equally in other ways.

In this case, what is petty is my ex's behaviour. He says he doesn't have the 'brain space' for school admin. He makes a big deal when I try to get him to contribute - as if I am nagging him. THAT is petty.

That concludes my sermon on the word petty which I hope you all enjoyed 😂.

I did enjoy it @Turtleyturtles and agree this is not a petty act. It’s fundamental. I look at some of the senior men in my office and wonder what their mental load is like outside of work.
Did they iron their own shirt?
Are they thinking about what to make for dinner?
Keeping an eye on the clock due to the school run looming?

There’s a reason for the gender pay gap and my belief is that these attitudes where women’s unpaid labour is dismissed as nothing lies at the heart of it.

You're keeping score of reading school messages on an app and packing school bags? Seriously?

She’s listing it out because some people have said it’s miniscule. It’s not.

If I put the alphabet in bullet points it would look like a very long list. Everything listed are very small, basic tasks. I mean for instance "checked WhatsApp group", "signed daily planner". Fucking hell. If you cant manage to do this without someone having to split it 50/50 I'd be questionning their intellectual capacity.

Not everything has to be completely 50/50. Not everything has to be score-keeping. Sounds like shes resentful about being a single parent which would have been partly her decision. The things in that list are trivial, and certainly dont warrant weekends away for being the only one to sign a bleeding planner ffs

You have every tight to be extremely annoyed and resentful. But the chances of him agreeing to do somethign else in exchange are slim to zero. he doesn' see it as his problem = its yours.

I WOULD insist he contribute 50/50 financially. If you're payingg for school unforms or whatever, tell him that he has to send you half. But sadly, lots of these wanker men won't even do that.

No, I am keeping score of an unequal partnership which is built on gender inequality and male entitlement. This is one part of it. I am proud of this and will continue. I am not a mug and my time is valuable.

Thank you and yes I agree. There is also zero chance of him contributing financially because he says he can't afford anything. This is because he spends his money on games and other media. Man child behaviour. This why I wondered if he could at least contribute his time. So I can at least work to earn enough money to pay for everything.

I do question his intellectual capacity but he isn't diagnosed with anything, except possibly male entitlement, selfishness and idleness.

These small basic tasks interrupt me when I am work. They do not interrupt him. If these things are so trivial, I wonder why he has never once stepped up to do them? Taken together and on a daily basis, these things are not trivial and add to the overall mental load. Plus my financial load which is considerable because he is apparently unable to afford to contribute.

I love being a single parent, it' a lot easier than looking after 2 DC plus 1 manchild. My life is SO much better. I have done brilliantly to split up with him. It was a struggle but I look back and I'm incredibly proud of what I have done for my children and myself.

If it was true, companies would not hire "project managers". My should women be unpaid project managers for the family?

It’s far from minuscule! Especially if you have more than one child!
My DH and I share this admin but so far this week we have had to:
top up both children’s lunch money account
order t shirts / kit for 3 different activities
buy sticky back plastic
make sure daughter has £1.50 cash and a block of lactose free cheese for food tech
email the school (twice)
call the school (once)
q

Well said! Women's work and time is not valued. Even many mumsnetters have internalised this. The patriarchy has done a brilliant number on us. The phrase 'normal everyday parenting' disguises the fact that someone, an actual human, has to do this normal, everyday parenting. It doesn't do itself. In my case, that human is me, and not my ex. This is a pattern across marriages and co-parents. And many women put up with it precisely because they are shut down by the effective but flawed arguments made by PP on this thread. Next will come the comments about women in other countries have it worse, you have it easier than your mother's generation etc. Love it!

Tell him he is 100% in charge of all school comms / uniform / etc for one child. And leave him to it.
I did this with my DH and it worked. Originally I was convinced he would forget things and still rely on me but I resisted the urge at the beginning to ask if he saw x message or filled y form and it worked. Yes, he was labelling uniform the day before the kids went back to school and struggling to find rugby boots that would be there on time but at the end if was all done.

lol at project managers.

We’re talking about normal parenting, not running the country.

Yes, a shame that my ex and many other men, find normal parenting so difficult. Maybe there should be a Prince 2 type training course new dads could do, to give them the skills to do this normal parenting. Personally I don't need it because I am a competent adult and well able to do normal parenting, but my ex apparently does need it.

If I didn't spend so much of my valuable time doing the lion's share of this miniscule normal parenting, I probably could actually run the country, uninterrupted.

Crikey, no wonder men are allowed to get away with doing so little with all these enabling attitudes on display in this thread. There's so much love for useless dads on here. Poor dears. If only uppity women like me would just accept our lot, stop exaggerating and shut up. Leave these poor men to their Xboxes.

I agree. A lot of people just being argumentative for no reason.

It’s in the news all the time about women carrying the “mental load” and school admin is part of this. Why is it up to the women to carry this burden alone?

Op - your ex should be taking on 50% of the kids admin. He’s one of 2 parents after all.

Ignore the idiots on here and keep on fighting. He sounds like a prize twat!

Look, clearly this bloke should be doing his bit and he isn’t.

But that’s reason enough to be annoyed with him - because he’s an arse hole.

There’s no need to exaggerate and make out the ‘admin’ is so time consuming when it isn’t.

It’s a tiny fraction of time spent online.

Especially when you compare to how many hours parents can end up doom scrolling or pointlessly following influencers or Mumsnetting etc.

That’s not to say he shouldn’t do his fair share though.