AIBU to want something in return?

[Turtleyturtles]

I do all the school admin for 2 DC - reading the daily messages on the app, newsletters, checking school bags etc. My ex does zero school admin. We both work full-time. I have been doing this for 11 years and have asked him many times and in many different ways to contribute to this. I end up reminding him to do things so DC don't miss out.

We co-parent and have DC an equal number of nights.

ABIU to ask him to contribute something else, given he's apparently incapable of checking the messages? I'm thinking about asking him to look after DC when I am away (maybe 4 or 5 weekends per year) and then not asking for nights to 'make up for' me not having them.

This parent spends zero time doom scrolling or following influencers. I work full time, run my own business (and more) so I don't have time. Even if I did, the comparison is not helpful - it is equivalent to 'women in other countries have it worse' - another tactic to stop women complaining about legitimate issues.

The admin is time consuming. It consumes my time and mental space. It interrupts me when I am working. The mental load for women, as PP have explained, has been studied and proven. It is not exaggerating, it is real.

This thread has now become more time consuming however than anything else 😂. I must shut this tab down and work!!

Well, he should do some of the school stuff, for sure. But punishing him by punishing the kids by taking more time away from them sounds a bit... woman child.

You’ve spent plenty of time on Mumsnet, just like many of us do.

That takes up way more time than DC admin.

But ultimately you can make the decision without MNet input anyway.

There was a very often quoted comic about the "Mental Load" that was very didactic. BTW, I'm in the same situation with my ex. But I just do everything and make sure that the DC understand it. Specially because I have 2 boys, and I want them to understand everything I'm doing and their dad is not. And that it's why he earns more than me.

Crikey, no wonder men are allowed to get away with doing so little with all these enabling attitudes on display in this thread.

Sorry, I thought you said you’ve been allowing this for ELEVEN years?

And all that’s going to change now is that you’ll spend less time with your own kids.

So still massively enabling him whilst criticising others 😳

Oooh the woman hating is ramping up! Nice use of the word 'punishing' to describe a woman trying to get her ex to do his fair share for their shared children. There is no punishment being metered out on either side. Generally we co-parent well and we are respectful to each other. DC enjoy spending time with me and their dad. My time is taken up however because my ex doesn't do his fair share. He is the taker of time. I am the giver. His incompetence literally steals my valuable time. And don't forget, women's time is just as valuable as men's. And my time working is financially more valuable to my children because the money I earn is spent on them, school trips, school dinners, new clothes. My ex's money is spent on Xbox games.

I love that comic, Emma is it called? Great that you try to help your 2 boys to understand.

Of course I don't hate women, and if you're going to take any suggestion that you are being unreasonable (since you did ask) as 'woman hating' then that too seems a little childish.

I absolutely think there should be a way of getting him to take an equal part of this part of parenting, and I think it's shoddy of him not to. I just think that taking extra time away from the children to make your point doesn't really make your point, and is a strange way of going on.

I’m a single mother with an ex who doesn’t have his email or anything registered with school or nursery and I spoon feed him all info.

I just don’t get worked up about it because I think I would want to go to everything, check the bag, note the party invitation and reply, pay the school meals, pay the school trip, attend the parents evening etc etc anyway so it wouldn’t lessen my load. It would actually likely increase it because I would have to add in the task of seeing if he had done xyz before I did it.

Agree he can’t just abdicate responsibility for everyuthkng though. Maybe give him a job like uniforms are his responsibility and when they need replacing you tell him what’s needed?

School admin is a difficult one to split across two households who don’t sound like they get along very well and successfully ensure everything actually gets done

I have been trying various ways to stop enabling him for ELEVEN years, all of which have failed so far. I'm fighting an uphill battle.

I won't be spending less time with my kids, this isn't going to work I don't think. So back to the drawing board. I need to sit down and talk to him, as PP have suggested.

I feel a moral duty to point out unhelpful attitudes (or criticising as you have framed it). I also bring my own internalized misogyny along for the ride but know it when I see it.

Good point, I did ask. But I know that I am not unreasonable so probably shouldn't have asked the question. I am of course reasonable in seeking a solution as a responsible parent. I wouldn't see it as 'taking time away from the children', they are happy with either parent. They wouldn't see it like that, or even really notice. It would only be a few days a year. I won't be doing this though, don't think it will solve the problem. It's not about making a point either, it's about trying to find time to do all the stuff I have to do, and my ex sharing the load is part of that.

Well then take a stance do half, decide what you will do tell him he is now in charge x and leave it. Don’t get drawn in, if you ur kids ask you, redirect to father and accept if they misss something or don’t have the right kit its his responsibility.

realistically you cannot save your child from having a man child father. It will manifest constantly.

If you are somewhat technical you could set up an ai agent to manage/automate a lot of these tasks that don’t involve it spending your money.

Also stop accepting the extra weekends to payback your holiday time. That is a bloody cheek.

I hear you loud and clear, OP, and I'm with you.

But what I'd say is this. You're never going to win this one UNLESS you find a way to make failing at this stuff HIS problem without it affecting you and your kids. That's the challenge. Until it starts to bite him on the bottom, he won't care. So if you can find ways that he is massively inconvenienced by not keeping up with this stuff, you might stand a chance but otherwise no.

It’s very annoying and never changes. Thing is it is often the dynamic with couples too. My ex never bothers getting school apps or anything. Only plus is you get more control…I wouldn’t ask for anything else personally

Edited to say remember trying to find solutions for years - shared calendar etc. Never achieved anything. Pretty much past it now 🙏

I think I know what you mean about more control, but I have never wanted control, I just don't my DC to miss out. I agree though, nothing does ever change. Well done for trying though. And for getting past it.

Have you head of poverty proofing in schools? I think this is brilliant and I am glad schools do it. I would also like to see mental load proofing, given it is a burden that currently falls on women overwhelmingly, many of whom work full time. So every time school asks 'parents' (i.e. mums because they are the ones inevitably checking the app/emails from school and many of whom are main and only providers like I am) to bake a cake (or some other task) teachers and admin staff actually think about it first. Equality Impact Assessments don't seem to be covering it.

In my own situation and based on this thread, I have decided to ask my ex to take on DC2's school admin and related stuff. I'll let school know and genuinely not check messages from his school. Ex doesn't respond when I ask him to contribute (he sees it as nagging), but does care what other people think of him. So if he knows that school knows, he might just check the messages. Plus I will tell him that he doesn't enable notifications from the school on his phone, he might miss a flu consent form or something equally important. I'll make sure both DC know too. And also DC2 will see that men and boys are capable of doing this daily work for their children.

Realistically though, won’t you still check it and make sure it’s done? I admire your perseverance but wouldn’t be able to trust my ex and wouldn’t want my DC to miss out on clubs, parties, assemblies, vaccinations, school trips etc so would find myself double checking anyway 😬

Good luck. I would just never have trusted mine to do it. I wasted time & energy. Schools always default to mum which doesn’t help

By control it wasn’t a power grab. But in DC’s later years at school if he missed a parents’ eve because he didn’t have the app, oh dear what a shame

In my experience Dads are much more laid back with school stuff. That comes from my experience in education and as a parent. Best they dont interfere tbh.

Same here with parents evenings. My ex hasn't been to one since we split up and doesn't seem bothered. I'm glad because he used to talk over the teachers. And yes, schools don't help defaulting to mum, I agree. My ex is usually 'too stressed' to talk so it will no doubt be a while before we even have the conversation. His actual greeting to me usually, the first thing he says is how exhausted he is. No medical conditions, he's just full of self pity about having to work, run a house and look after children as if this is not totally normal!

You are not wrong.

Loads of enablers on this thread bleating on about how trivial it is to weigh up who actually does the parenting in a supposedly equal split, yet no criticism of your ex who cannot be arsed to do a single one of these supposedly trivial things.

I don’t know what the answer is . I don’t know how you’d ever get him to step up to the parenting plate- not that it’s your job. The only thing you can do is to find something which is a massive inconvenience to him, but not your children.

Exactly! Well summarised. It's is somehow always the woman's fault and responsibility - you picked wrong in the first place, wrong tone of voice, why don't you delegate, you're exaggerating, it's a 2 second job, you're being petty, poor kids etc etc. I know all this off by heart. It's the script we are all taught. My ex and other similar men benefit from this narrative. And many know it.

Yes, I agree, not easy to actually do anything about it!

@Turtleyturtles fact is, the patriarchy is kept alive by women as you can probably tell from the responses to your thread. I laugh when I see women blame men, they are maybe 10% to blame, if that. Women ensure they keep other women in their place and fan the flames of the patriarchy to keep it alive.

I wish I could be 'laid back'. Another less positive and more generous interpretation is lazy, entitled and selfish. I used to be 'laid back' before having kids and now I can't be, stuff needs to be done. Laid back is male entitlement in this case, not an endearing or random personality trait.

Hmmm, interesting, I hadn't thought about it like that, but I see what you mean after reading the responses in this thread. I won't be fanning any flames on here or IRL and it sounds like you don't either.