AIBU to want something in return?

[Turtleyturtles]

I do all the school admin for 2 DC - reading the daily messages on the app, newsletters, checking school bags etc. My ex does zero school admin. We both work full-time. I have been doing this for 11 years and have asked him many times and in many different ways to contribute to this. I end up reminding him to do things so DC don't miss out.

We co-parent and have DC an equal number of nights.

ABIU to ask him to contribute something else, given he's apparently incapable of checking the messages? I'm thinking about asking him to look after DC when I am away (maybe 4 or 5 weekends per year) and then not asking for nights to 'make up for' me not having them.

But equally, she can't force another adult to do anything, as unfair as it might be.

I agree, they have a useless dad. But fortunately I'm a pretty amazing mum and I'm doing brilliantly. They are great kids.

Certainly in our house. DH gets every email I do. And yet has to always ask me what time is pick up or what day is an event etc etc.

I don't want to be a secretary for my ex. Your husband is lucky that you do this for him. I hope he appreciates it.

Nothing wrong with going on holiday without children.

But if you have the children less than 50% of the time, surely you will have to start paying him maintenance because he will become the primary parent?

I'd give up on this thread OP, too many arseholes on here.

Of course YANBU and it is unfair.

However, I doubt he'd understand if you asked for a couple of "free" days in exchange. You might get somewhere if you write out a list of precisely how much time/thinking/effort it's all taken, but even then he might push back.

You've been a great mum.

True, it probably wouldn't work. I'd still be ringing him to remind him to do stuff. Funnily enough, he seems to be well organised in his job.

There's no chance of that, he goes away a lot more than I do.

But you specifically said you each have the children an equal amount of nights. If you make him do extra weekends without swapping back, that's you doing less. My comments were based on your own data in your OP

I agree! I find it fascinating though, genuinely. Especially the 'you picked him' trope, haven't heard that one for a while.

I'll try to appeal to his better side and go through it all with him. Yet more work for me, but we do get on okay overall so there's a chance it might work and he might do more. Thanks for the support.

So was mine!

How old are the kids? It does massively tail off once they’re out of primary.

Yes we do have them an equal number of nights in our normal, routine week. We also each sometimes go away, either with work or friends. This is occasional. But his occasional is more frequent and for more nights. He is the one making me do extra time when I go away. I don't make him do anything, that's impossible.

Normal everyday parenting, which their father isn't doing! So mum is picking up the slack.

Both young and yes primary. I can see it tailing off now, but other things are ramping up. I love most of it, but do get overwhelmed with the sheer amount of stuff, most of which I do on my own.

How old are the children? I think it depends then how much you want them to miss out. You could cut admin to only looking at things relevant to your days, though I am not sure that is even possible. I mean would you be happy if you saw a message that Friday is non uniform day and didn't tell your ex for example as that is his day, and then the children went to school in uniform?

If he is rubbish at admin and parenting would he really take on something extra? I can see why people are saying you may just need to accept his shortfalls (not that you should have to).

Both primary and no, I can't let them miss out. I tried once but bottled out. It's tricky and I know I'm not the only one in this situation.

Also we probably earn similar amounts but I pay for loads more stuff, I mean, I pay for almost everything. Also he is so lazy he would never get his act to together to make a case for maintenance. Not that he would get it because he isn't the primary parent in any sense.

I'm leaving this thread now. Bye everyone and thanks for your comments. I now have to sign up one DC for a club, pay for swimming and transfer money to my Taxfree Childcare. I'm sure you all wanted to know that. Night!

I wasn’t saying it to be so blunt, sorry.

I do it because as I was getting annoyed by having to think of it all by myself. I don’t know if that how the school automatically set it up or what really.

It was actually my husband’s idea. At first I got annoyed with the idea of doing it, thinking FFS something else for me to do but now I screenshot it over without thinking, I can ask him to do it or he will reply with do you want me to sort that. The screenshot is the easier option for some messages.

I think you’re being petty tbh. School admin really needs to be a task taken on by one parent to ensure continuity. I did it all for years and I told my ex what he needed to know , I didn’t expect extra weekends to myself as a reward and don’t really remember it being an onerous task !
If you really resent taking this on why not ask him to oversee something else for your kids

Yeah, I think you're totally reasonable. Tbh I don't get why so many posters on here think you're unreasonable.

If you're doing 50/50, of course everything should actually be split 50/50. If you do the school admin, of course he should pick up other responsibilities instead, though it might be easier to delegate stuff like dentist, doctor, shoe fittings, an extra club etc.

Otherwise, just start forwarding him every second request from school with 'URGENT, PLEASE DEAL'.

would you be happy if you saw a message that Friday is non uniform day and didn't tell your ex for example as that is his day, and then the children went to school in uniform?

I am a disorganised wreck of a parent with serious executive function issues, but what I will say is that this has only happened to my kids once. Every other time, they've had their own clothes, the costume, the donation, the silly hat, the silly hair or whatever other absurdity their school is demanding.

The OP says that this man is useless but not that he doesn't care about his kids. He drops the ball because he knows that she will pick it up. Lots of lazy dads parents do this. The number who would then go on not to pick up a ball that they know no one else is going to pick up, and therefore let their kids suffer as a result, is smaller (I devoutly hope!).

Edited to add: the reason that this has only happened to me once is seeing my DC's sad little face when I collected him. You'd have to be a pretty shit parent not to be affected by this. The one time I've felt really sorry for another parent was when I ran into a mum who'd forgotten it was 'wear yellow' day and dropped her kid in uniform. She had a really stressful job and running out for a day of meetings. She was crying.

Funny how that 'one parent' always seems to be the mother, even when both parents work full time. It is not petty to want an equal co-parenting relationship. It is not petty for a woman to seek a solution to an unjust situation. It is sensible, especially important for my son to grow up not seeing mummy doing everything and daddy doing his hobbies and doing very little. I am not telling my ex all he needs to know or 'delegating' as PP have said. I am not his mother or his secretary. I don't expect any 'rewards' either, I just want the other parent to contribute to the upbringing of his DC that he chose to have.

Thinking aloud, the best way to change behaviour is to make failure to do something rebound on him so he has to deal with the consequences of it. Difficult to find stuff that will inconvenience him, rather than upset your DC, but that's where I would start.

It’s obviously unfair that you do it all OP. But if you couldn’t get him to pull his weight when you were married, I can’t see it happening now you’ve split.

Lots of dads get away with doing far less than half of child and home related stuff, and mums pick up most of it, even though these days both are generally working.

I think your best chance of success at making things more equal is as a PP said, find something he’s completely responsible for like their clubs. If there are no clubs then maybe he is in charge of dentist, optician, haircuts? Or all birthday party related stuff (theirs and others kids)?