AIBU by not attending CAHMS early help meeting for niece and nephew

[Specialguests]

My SIL and her partner have 4 kids. Eldest is at uni, then they have a 16 y/o with mild autism and ADHD, then twin 14 y/o boy and girl. Boy is autistic but at a mainstream school. He has just been diagnosed with epilepsy having had 1 seizure.

The behaviour of these children is outrageous. Ive had to collect the 16 y/o from custody and be an appropriate adult for her. The lad has battered his mom and his dad and smashes up the house over his phone. Theyre not interested in school. Theyre addicted to their phones no outside interests like sports, drama, dance or music. Just 24/7 YouTube.

Now this is all terrible and I can't imagine how stressful this is but honestly theyve clocked out of parenting. There's no consequences for anything, she doesnt work but doesnt take them to school, cook for them, help with homework or college or uni applications, its taken way into their teens to get diagnosis for .. despite having some sort of benefit for them its not going on therapy or on anything for them. When the kids come home from school, she goes to bed. To top it off theyre going to Turkey and leaving the kids at home to fend for themselves (as my in-laws are unable to help as planned due to health issues). Eldest will still be at uni.

Shes called tonight to ask if DH and I will attend a early help intervention meeting with CAHMs. My first reaction was honestly why should we? We have a 4 y/o and 9 y/o, my DH is a police officer and im a full time solicitor in the city and we dont have heaps of spare time or any childcare support. That aside, they dont actually help themselves, even if we could get a sitter, should we say we can offer support to people that bugger off on holiday and leave them alone?

Also what is this meeting and what does it entail? SIL says she doesn't know.

I would try to go, for the children's sake

Could you join remotely, to avoid travel?

Omg this sounds horrendous. Social services need to take the children away, jf course you should attend. The kids need a sensible adult to advocate for them.

I’d probably go and be honest when asked any questions. It sounds like it would be helpful to the children if the parents were receiving some parenting guidance or at least a little scrutiny of their current approach.

The early help meeting is to discuss with parents what support they need to parent better…

What does/will the meeting entail? Google suggests that we will be asked to support the care givers by giving them rest bite etc? I'd be wary to have their kids around mine tbh due to the violence. It sounds terrible but obviously I have to put my own kids first.

It just feels like everyone is always pandering to them (adults not kids) and someone needs to tell them to take responsibility rather than asking other people to.

No, don't help them disguise how dysfunctional this all is.

If they ask for respite then you answer honestly that you don’t have the time and you are concerned for the safety and well being of your own children so will not be able to offer that support. Be clear, be concise and don’t ever on that. This could be an opportunity for you to raise your concerns though and to advocate for your nieces and nephews.

Depends if you're able to speak to the professionals without the parents there. If not, you might not feel you can be honest and its just a load of pandering and hand holding.

It will be impossible to break down which of their behaviours are from any ND (if accurately diagnosed) and what is about poor parenting.

I work for children's services It's to look at who can support and what they can feasibly do so it's totally fine to go and say that you can't support practically/can emotionally/neither. Part of what Early Help and social services need to do is establish where the gaps in support are for families so often it's good to have family members there even to say "we both work, grandparents are unwell" as then they can look at what support could come next. I actually prefer it of people are honest rather than promising the earth as it means we can often help people quicker. I would have also thought you could join remotely (where I work most meetings are either fully online or hybrid)

Hmmm sounds like you would be asked to take a role. It would be a big no from me

Id be calling social services if they disappear off to Turkey

I'd offer to speak with them on the phone/teams at a prearranged time if you want to be generous or just send them an email outlining what you've said here.

I would just ignore it as they will ask you if you can offer them support, as they’re struggling. Explain that you cannot attend because of work commitments.

@Specialguests they don’t need any planned respite, sounds as though they’ll take it anytime they choose!

Your SIL should call to rearrange appointment for when she’s home. She can explain directly to them that she’s leaving 3 children at home to go on holiday so can’t make it - see how that goes down!

Attend, tell them the truth and say I cannot and will not help I have my own kids to prioritise. Let ss know that you're not an option as for all you know they're saying different.

What an awful situation, those poor children. I'm torn, because while the children clearly need some sensible adults to advocate for them, I think it's imperative that the professionals realize how checked out their parents are.

No one must get the impression that you're in loco parentis, because you simply can't offer that support. Your SIL needs to reschedule the meeting so she and her partner can attend.

I'd attend and tell them exactly why the kids are so bad! 24/7 youtube, no consequences, parents that hide in bed all night... they can put a picture together of the failings at home that way.

Be firm that you cannot support due to violence and your own emotional bandwidth.

Are you going to let social services know about the child abandonment? That might get some action.

I wouldn’t go. It takes significant time out of your day, causes childcare hassles for what? To tell them you can’t help. You could offer to speak to them on the phone if pressed.

I thought the same…

Absolutely not.
Do not get involved.
You are only bringing drama to your door.

Ok..so obviously the parents have autism/ ADHD .. obviously they are not coping.
The children are older teens,so this behaviour will of been going on for a long time ..I doubt very much parents have just left them sat at home their whole life .
At some point the children would of been in school
And not had their autism/ ADHD needs met ,hence not able to continue coping and managing to go.
Parents are most probably in burnout
Numerous children with disabilities is exhausting for parents who also have disabilities..
Mum going to bed when they get in from school , really shows she's absolutely at the end of her tether
No one goes to bed in the day ,unless they have some physical or mental health issues..if your leading a happy and fulfilling life ,you have no need to hide in bed in the day .
It's actually a long waiting list for diagnosis with CAMHs , parents will have had years of waiting for diagnosis,and very little help from CAMHS ,once the children were diagnosed.
You paint a bleak picture of your sister in law op
But as a parent of autistic children myself,who also has autism and ADHD,I can assure you the reality will be ,your sister will be exhausted and desperate for support from you.
She had plans in place for childcare whilst going away..that has obviously fallen through,due to no fault of your sister in law
She may be saying she is still going away ...but she hasn't as yet gone and left them home alone ..she's probably exhausted and frustrated and lashing out , saying she's still going
Untill you have spent a week in her shoes ,don't judge her
She's asking for your help ..she just wants you to attend a meeting..not take her children on full time .

Yes, it's an extraordinary and egregious error for someone educated way beyond degree level.

I know a couple of solicitors who can’t spell well. It surprised me at first but not anymore.

smashes up the house over his phone.

Presumably you mean "smashes the house up if his phone is confiscated" or similar?

We can do many things around the house over our phones these days like turn the heating and lighting on and off etc. but we cannot smash it up.

I would have thought that clear, unambiguous communication was a prerequisite for a successful career in law.