AIBU by not attending CAHMS early help meeting for niece and nephew

[Specialguests]

My SIL and her partner have 4 kids. Eldest is at uni, then they have a 16 y/o with mild autism and ADHD, then twin 14 y/o boy and girl. Boy is autistic but at a mainstream school. He has just been diagnosed with epilepsy having had 1 seizure.

The behaviour of these children is outrageous. Ive had to collect the 16 y/o from custody and be an appropriate adult for her. The lad has battered his mom and his dad and smashes up the house over his phone. Theyre not interested in school. Theyre addicted to their phones no outside interests like sports, drama, dance or music. Just 24/7 YouTube.

Now this is all terrible and I can't imagine how stressful this is but honestly theyve clocked out of parenting. There's no consequences for anything, she doesnt work but doesnt take them to school, cook for them, help with homework or college or uni applications, its taken way into their teens to get diagnosis for .. despite having some sort of benefit for them its not going on therapy or on anything for them. When the kids come home from school, she goes to bed. To top it off theyre going to Turkey and leaving the kids at home to fend for themselves (as my in-laws are unable to help as planned due to health issues). Eldest will still be at uni.

Shes called tonight to ask if DH and I will attend a early help intervention meeting with CAHMs. My first reaction was honestly why should we? We have a 4 y/o and 9 y/o, my DH is a police officer and im a full time solicitor in the city and we dont have heaps of spare time or any childcare support. That aside, they dont actually help themselves, even if we could get a sitter, should we say we can offer support to people that bugger off on holiday and leave them alone?

Also what is this meeting and what does it entail? SIL says she doesn't know.

It sounds like it may be a multi agency meeting (MAM) between cahms, early help (lower level of social care) and they also invite other people identified as part of support network. My son is autistic and we are having major struggles with him at the minute. I’ve found that they like to identify people within your network who can provide support- emotional support, respite etc, rather than provide the support directly. We have a very limited support network for various reasons but I’m still being pushed to ask for support from family/friends. This is what that meeting will be about, you just need to be honest about what you cannot do.

Of course there is and there used to be diagnoses differences and the clinician would say mild/moderate/severe. It will likely go back to that in time I think

Surely your husband understands as a police officer how early help works.

I had a meeting like this for my child who is autistic and couldn't cope in school. The professionals involved just want to help the family. Nobody will force anyone to provide care thats a ridiculous suggestion.

I find it hard to grasp any adult failing to engage in a social services meeting about vulnerable children if they are asked to be there.

Im sorry to say that I have seen colleagues write this, and they're the ones organising the respite!!!

Even our family court solicitors believe it or not, often have a woeful understanding of children services processes. So OP not understanding what early help is, or the concept of the CAMHS meeting, etc does not surprise me.

I thought that but then decided it was autocorrect and she didn't bother to reread...

Our local police who work very closely with us, do not understand childrens services processes or different levels of intervention or different phrases (and Ive seen rest bite written on police reports and missing reports), I would not assume a police officer would know about early help at all.

You're absolutely right! Someone does need to tell the parents to take responsibility.

In this case, it looks like YOU and your HUSBAND need to be SOMEONE.

Between the two of you being a police officer and a solicitor, surely you can see that you NEED to do this and stop pussy footing around.

Also, if they go on holiday leaving the kids alone, you need to report them.

this is absolute bullsh1t. Nobody is going to assess for kinship carers at a CAMHS first assessment. They are not Children's Services. All that will happen is that they will say parents 'did not engage' - their favourite phrase and then cancel the referral.

What I find really distressing is that a solicitor and police officer are not aware of their responsibility to report neglect- and these children ARE being neglected

Your SIL sounds like she has become overwhelmed with her children’s needs - I'm sure most of us would find them overwhelming! Also, if there are 2 parents at home, then why lay all the blame on just 1 of them? TBH you’re coming across as a bit sanctimonious - describing her as if she were useless whilst you and your DH are upstanding pillars of society.
If you and your DH (whom I assume is her brother) don’t want to help, that’s ok, you don’t have to.

Attend and tell the truth. However, from what you have said, this needs escalating far beyond early help. Not least because the four children, including two 14 year olds, two with ASD, are being left home alone and parental abuse is taking place.

Is it the parents' silent scream for some or all to be taken into the "care" system?

This is your opportunity to advocate for those poor children and tell it how it really is. Including the abandonment when they go on holiday.
You can make it abundantly clear during the meeting that you're unable to help if there's really nothing you feel able to do. But do ask yourself first if there is any way, however small, you can support the kids. You can discuss this with social services when the case arrives, almost inevitably, there. I think having family take an interest and being a calming steady influence will make a difference to the children.

For god sake I have a degree in English Literature but I don't sit and go through everything I quickly write on the Internet like it's an essay. One little spelling mistake doesn't mean anything.

Absolute nonsense. OP doesn’t have to comply with any support she doesn’t feel able to provide. She has her own children to prioritise, end of.

Or, dictating the message, rather than typing.

I didn’t say one little spelling mistake (which it actually isn’t - it’s two completely unrelated words) - l said that to my mind there was something about the opening post that made me think it’s not genuine.

I agree. Your SIL may say you can provide respite and this is your opportunity to make it v clear to her and authorities that you can't / won't. Which could actually help her access support from the council.

If it’s your SIL, then surely all this is on your DH. He should decide whether he is going at the uncle. I agree with others that by attending you may give the impression of offering to be part of a support network. However it would also give you an opportunity to be clear what is going on and that the reason parents are not attending is that they have gone on holiday and not left an adult to supervise the children.
You cannot be forced to be part of any solution- but attending could create a convenient expectation for Social services.
Non attendance by family at this meeting would definitely be noticed and may fuel any concerns- which may be best in the long run.

It’s someone dictating into the microphone and being misunderstood.

Yet another thread derailed because people apparently cannot simply correct a mistake, once is enough, and then move on.

The collective giddiness over someone else’s spelling mistake and the eagerness to use it to invent an entirely different narrative, is rather sad.

The OP may not return now, but I hope she got enough solid advice from the posters who were mature enough to resist the sniggering and actually address the issue she came here for.

I absolutely would not get involved with any meeting.

I absolutely would report her and her partner for child neglect - with or without the holiday to Turkey.

You're rather naive.

Yep, me too.

I'm another who would go to the meeting as an opportunity to speak honestly about what you have said in your OP. The presence of the professionals will make it possible for all this to be said and heard in a constructive way.

Your presence and honest words will also make it possible for the boundaries of any support you might be able to give in the future to be clearly stated. Without you, the meeting might be undermined by the parents giving a false account of what can be reasonably expected of you.

With two challenging autistic kids, the parents might have let their parenting slide out of sheer exhaustion and despair, which is forgivable. They may or may not be capable of getting back on track with CAMHS intervention, but the meeting won't work without some constructive honesty.

@Oliveoy I’d rather be naive than get my thrills from a Mumsnet spelling mistake. It’s sad.