AIBU by not attending CAHMS early help meeting for niece and nephew

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My SIL and her partner have 4 kids. Eldest is at uni, then they have a 16 y/o with mild autism and ADHD, then twin 14 y/o boy and girl. Boy is autistic but at a mainstream school. He has just been diagnosed with epilepsy having had 1 seizure.

The behaviour of these children is outrageous. Ive had to collect the 16 y/o from custody and be an appropriate adult for her. The lad has battered his mom and his dad and smashes up the house over his phone. Theyre not interested in school. Theyre addicted to their phones no outside interests like sports, drama, dance or music. Just 24/7 YouTube.

Now this is all terrible and I can't imagine how stressful this is but honestly theyve clocked out of parenting. There's no consequences for anything, she doesnt work but doesnt take them to school, cook for them, help with homework or college or uni applications, its taken way into their teens to get diagnosis for .. despite having some sort of benefit for them its not going on therapy or on anything for them. When the kids come home from school, she goes to bed. To top it off theyre going to Turkey and leaving the kids at home to fend for themselves (as my in-laws are unable to help as planned due to health issues). Eldest will still be at uni.

Shes called tonight to ask if DH and I will attend a early help intervention meeting with CAHMs. My first reaction was honestly why should we? We have a 4 y/o and 9 y/o, my DH is a police officer and im a full time solicitor in the city and we dont have heaps of spare time or any childcare support. That aside, they dont actually help themselves, even if we could get a sitter, should we say we can offer support to people that bugger off on holiday and leave them alone?

Also what is this meeting and what does it entail? SIL says she doesn't know.

respite is not being turned into two words…

I think you will get a lot of people expecting you to martyr yourself “for the sake of the kids” on here but you are right to stay away. CPS needs to know you are not going to step in and save the day before they step up and help. If you were to go and share your honest feelings about the situation it would cause a massive issue for you and your relationship with your wider family. If you are contacted by them and assured of confidentiality then you can probably open up and paint a clearer picture for them, but I suspect school has shared theirs first.

I saw that too. It's RESPITE, not REST BITE.

Anyway, the meeting is to gather information on what the true situation is as home and they may well try to rope you into giving practical support. Don't let that happen. You have the safety of your own children to consider.

If you do attend try to do so remotely. Ensure that you tell the CAMHS counsellor about how things really are, including this ridiculous holiday to Turkey, for which the parents are abandoning their twin 14 year olds.

I've attended a few of these meetings as part of my work. I think it would be helpful of you to at least let the person who invited you know that you won't be attending as you are unable to offer any support, it's beyond your capabilities and not in the best interests of your own children. Then they know not to discuss what aunt might be able to do, your SIL can't suggest it and they'll know not to follow up anything with you. Knowing what isn't available can be helpful too.

You could also attend the meeting and communicate the same, however you'll have to be sure you will stick to your intentions.

I've seen rest bite on here before. Maybe it's an autocorrect thing?

I've seen rest bite on here before. Maybe it's an autocorrect thing?

No, I don’t think so. I agree that it’s strange that an educated person isn’t aware of the concept of respite, and how “rest bite” is nonsensical.

rest bite

I would have thought your police officer husband would know about Early Help.

Do solicitors use the term 'rest bite'?

I really wouldn’t go down that path. I have often typed things and what ends up there is definitely NOT what I have typed, and I generally don’t have time to go back over and check my phone hasn’t gone rogue. Sometimes I’ve read it back and wondered ‘wtf is that’ as it definitely is not what I’ve typed. Only happens via the phone, not computer.

Noting even typing this and actually reading back, due to what I’m talking about, my phone converted my typing of ‘sometimes’ to ‘sorry this’ ???? I had to correct it. So, if you are just bashing something out and not noticing what it’s doing in the background things can end up very odd!

Go, lay out the situation to cahms and they will contact social services. Best thing. The parents are neglecting them, not cooking wtf.

camhs wont ask you to provide respite

however there is no point you going
the parents need to go
they need to rebook the appointment. obviously

My son (15) is autistic, non verbal and has learning disabilities. We had a first (and only) camhs appointment many years ago (they couldn't do anything to help, as my son is completely non verbal and unable to engage with them)

The first appointment was basically checking information, age, diagnosis, address etc. and they went on to ask what the child's struggles are, what triggers meltdown, how do we help child out of meltdown. Id imagine it would depend on what the child's issues are on what questions they'd ask. School refusal/ behavioral/sensory issues etc.

Really it's nothing to worry about, camhs are there to help the child- and the parents.(Hopefully she'll be offered a SEN parenting course).

I can't see any reason why you should attend, especially as a lot of the information they need would be sensitive to the child.
It's basically a mental health check and can lead to psychiatrist appointments with them.

I would go and make clear the situation and problems, so the professionals can help. Be clear that you can't help because you have other commitments and also because you can't put your own kids at risk of their violence.

Have you tried to talk to them about their parenting?

Nah, not buying that. As a solicitor you take great care with words.

@Weeellokthen as I solicitor I don't necessarily take great care with typing anonymously on social media at midnight.

This.
And there's no such thing as mild autism.

Say you can’t attend and you can’t offer respite, but you can talk to CAHMS on the phone another time. Tell them directly that you won’t be offering respite and that they don’t help themselves..

My children were diagnosed in their teens which absolutely wasn’t my fault. School missed them although the signs were there particularly for my daughter and the wait lists were hugely long.

There is no mild autism.

You could attend by Teams. We had Early Help( we are two very involved working parents not on benefits ( I see your stereotyping )and it helped hugely to finally access support.

Such a daft think to pick up on, typing quickly on a websitev+ unreliable autocorrect does not mean someone is lying

Have you not even bothered to read up on Early Help. Pandering isn’t its aim.It would be useful for you to attend in order for their team to see what a judgemental and unsupportive wider family they have.

Can you send a letter instead of attending? Explain why you can't be there and your unwillingness to help due to your own work and family commitments, but spell out what you have written here; the parents' inability to parent and the problems. It might end the relationship with SIL, but help get the kids what they need.

I wouldnt. They don't need respite as sounds like they're not actually parenting and I say that as a parent with two sen and medical needs children myself. Couldn't imagine fucking off to Turkey and leaving them to fend for themselves or fucking off to bed every single day while they run a mock. No. Sometimes people need to accept that they've made things worse by lack of parenting.

Surely there is a massive difference between people with autism who are severely intellectually disabled and someone who is high functioning?

Yes there is but mild autism does not exist. It's a spectrum theres no low or high or mild autism.