AIBU by not attending CAHMS early help meeting for niece and nephew

[Specialguests]

My SIL and her partner have 4 kids. Eldest is at uni, then they have a 16 y/o with mild autism and ADHD, then twin 14 y/o boy and girl. Boy is autistic but at a mainstream school. He has just been diagnosed with epilepsy having had 1 seizure.

The behaviour of these children is outrageous. Ive had to collect the 16 y/o from custody and be an appropriate adult for her. The lad has battered his mom and his dad and smashes up the house over his phone. Theyre not interested in school. Theyre addicted to their phones no outside interests like sports, drama, dance or music. Just 24/7 YouTube.

Now this is all terrible and I can't imagine how stressful this is but honestly theyve clocked out of parenting. There's no consequences for anything, she doesnt work but doesnt take them to school, cook for them, help with homework or college or uni applications, its taken way into their teens to get diagnosis for .. despite having some sort of benefit for them its not going on therapy or on anything for them. When the kids come home from school, she goes to bed. To top it off theyre going to Turkey and leaving the kids at home to fend for themselves (as my in-laws are unable to help as planned due to health issues). Eldest will still be at uni.

Shes called tonight to ask if DH and I will attend a early help intervention meeting with CAHMs. My first reaction was honestly why should we? We have a 4 y/o and 9 y/o, my DH is a police officer and im a full time solicitor in the city and we dont have heaps of spare time or any childcare support. That aside, they dont actually help themselves, even if we could get a sitter, should we say we can offer support to people that bugger off on holiday and leave them alone?

Also what is this meeting and what does it entail? SIL says she doesn't know.

Just seen that there are lots of posts derailing a very sensitive thread with idiotic criticism of a spelling mistake. Jesus Christ, there is a woman here dealing with an agonising family situation. Can you not just f**k off with your eleven-year-old's smuggery.

Your husband is a police officer and these are his brother or sister’s children. Of course he needs to be a positive person in their lives.
You have your own children to put first so I can see that limits your involvement but I am shocked that you would not look out for your nieces and nephews in some small way and seem to feel that because your SIL is not behaving as you think she should you’re going to let the children suffer.

Not your children. Not your business. Not your responsibility. If the parents’ priority is a holiday, that is on them.

I agree. I have a couple of solicitor friends / family members who wouldn't even know what respite is but they are reasonably successful in their area of law.

Also, not everyone is born in the UK so they won't necessarily be familiar with every word.

No I wouldn’t. The point of the meeting it to establish what support they have and what they need offering. You can say you can’t support as work, have kids etc but the fact you are there can be twisted.

I went to an early help meeting when I was 19 with my Mum for my two autistic siblings who were 9&11 at the time. I was at university a while away, didn’t drive, skint and suffering from really bad mental health problems, I definitely couldn’t offer any help or support. They were told this by both myself and my Mother. I only went to the meeting because my Mum was in bits thinking social services were going to take them away and I could vouch for her parenting.

It was written in the meeting outcome they had a supportive big sister who they confided in and regularly came home and took them out etc. I came home probably 4 times a year or so and I couldn’t cope with either of them by myself because they were violent! I didn’t even come home for the summer holidays because my Mum needed my bedroom for them.

I still get pushed on them at every point as being a supportive factor my Mum has to help her. They were down as CIN under social services at my Mum’s insistence and have only recently been taken off. They are doing much better than they were and functioning as teenagers, both at SEN schools with statements etc.

My Mum has been on her knees for support and respite from social services the past few years (my brother is 6foot 6 and has had violent tendencies that have only stopped in the last year or so) and at every corner they have pushed that they have a big sister even though they have never spoken to or met me. This is all despite the fact I now live in a different country and have my own children who I have been apprehensive to bring around them as my brother has been incredibly jealous in the past if my Mum even looks at them. Services are hugely underfunded and try and pull help and assistance from places it doesn’t exist.

Not in a million years would I want to get sucked further into this shit show. This is what happens when devices are used constantly for "regulation" ie. keeping them quiet.

Do you want you to attend because they’re on holiday or because they want support?
if it’s the former then say no. Your presence at the meeting cannot be a substitute for the parents being there. The point of the meeting is to come up with a plan moving forward to support the whole family.

I’ve got a postgraduate degree in aeronautical engineering and in my at job am very pedantic about spelling, grammar etc. on here, nope. It’s really annoying when people just take over a thread written by someone wanting help to moan about their spelling.

I would go and do not hold back. Tell them what you have told us about the parents not wanting to be responsible for the children, not taking them to school, going away on holiday, etc. If asked state no you will not give them respite but if you can help any other way you will if you can but not to the detriment of your own family.

It might be standard procedure? I’ve had to have these meetings inorder to get specialist help for my severely affected autistic son when I got diagnosed with cancer and could no longer care for him (he’s 2-2-1 now in a specialist setting) They get names of EVERYONE (including my ex BIL, exMIL etc when they have nothing to do with my son. My parents (both disabled) and my DB and SIL whom I have no contact with and even my partners elderly parents and his brother!!!! SS will try and get help from anywhere first before they have to dip into their pockets.

I dutifully invited them but also told them to refuse as none of them would be able (or willing) to help in any way.

but I did as they told me, so it ticks their boxes inorder to move on.

just decline the invite.

How would you assess a client who was in your SIL's shoes? It sounds like she's potentially been ground down and is depressed by years of caring for 2 disabled children, one of whom is so violent that he can't be stopped from smashing up their home and "battering" her.

I can understand temporarily leaving the children for a break. (I would personally arrange childcare, but I understand being so worn down that you physically can't continue without rest away from everyone and everything.)

Of course you are not required to support her or her children or attend a CAMHS meeting. Choose to go and hear them out or choose not to. I'm not surprised SIL doesn't know what the meeting will be like/what will be discussed though. If CAMHS are like every other aspect of the health service, she will have received an automated message with a date and time for an appointment and that's it. I don't know what will happen at the meeting (is there anyone you can email to ask?), but I assume they want to know if the children have a wider support network and what that might look like.

Whatever you decide, I think I'd try to curtail the harsh judgement.

Totally agree with this. It's absolutely neglectful behaviour especially given the additional needs (although I doubt there are many parents who think leaving 1 16 year old and 2 14 year olds home alone under any circumstances is a good idea) I'd also be letting CAMHS know the entire backgroud in writing, while explaining that you will not be attending meetings.

The only chance of things improving for these kids is a reckoning for their parents. Propping up a bad situation or sweeping it under the rug will not work.

I can't tell if you are serious.

Who hasn’t been caught out by autocorrect when typing quickly?

Don’t go. Making it clear that you can’t offer support doesn’t mean they’ll take much notice of that. As another poster experienced, the social workers happily reported the precise opposite of what she told them, presumably so they could justify not having to increase their own workload.

This is not your responsibility. Don’t assume it.

I'm really surprised that a couple of posters are excusing the parents for leaving the children to go on holiday. As @Flapjak says they are leaving an unstable and violent 16 year old in charge of two 14 year olds one with autism and epilepsy - I would be reporting to social services immediately, this is so unsafe for the children which is legally what they are.

This absolutely is an unsafe situation and being burnt out is no excuse.

Another one who works with children’s services here. They will try anything to avoid more money been paid out than absolutely necessary (though no fault of their own it has to be said, budget cuts are ridiculous). If you even murmur a word of support, you will be down as part of the package and they will look to involve everyone to sort problems before offering help.

Wow. I'm surprised that the eldest even made it to Uni with her home life as it is! 😳

I'm sorry, but it's really not a phrase:

"Rest bite" is a common misspelling of respite care, which means temporary care provided to give regular caregivers a break."

I've been totally distracted from the subject matter of your post by the fact that you're a solicitor and use the term 'rest bite'.

I am a solicitor and I have typed "rest bite". I don't have an excuse, just can't spell. Can't say its part of my usual written vocabulary. Contact the SRA because I should absolutely be struck off the roll. You should see the sh*t I send to my supervising partner late at night.

DH is a response officer so not up to speed with the nitty gritty of child services outside of making referrals. I deal will assets not people... couldn't think of anything worse.

Thank you for all the other replies, we’re going to attend subject to their holiday plans. If they try to leave the kids alone to go on holiday without sorting alternative childcare then we will have to take action.

If you are too distracted by a typo to give any useful advice in what is a very distressing family situation, then best not to post. There have been several deletions upthread for exactly the same insensitive derailment.

Then he needs to make a referral to Children's Services as these children are being neglected

Early help is children’s services