AIBU by not attending CAHMS early help meeting for niece and nephew

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My SIL and her partner have 4 kids. Eldest is at uni, then they have a 16 y/o with mild autism and ADHD, then twin 14 y/o boy and girl. Boy is autistic but at a mainstream school. He has just been diagnosed with epilepsy having had 1 seizure.

The behaviour of these children is outrageous. Ive had to collect the 16 y/o from custody and be an appropriate adult for her. The lad has battered his mom and his dad and smashes up the house over his phone. Theyre not interested in school. Theyre addicted to their phones no outside interests like sports, drama, dance or music. Just 24/7 YouTube.

Now this is all terrible and I can't imagine how stressful this is but honestly theyve clocked out of parenting. There's no consequences for anything, she doesnt work but doesnt take them to school, cook for them, help with homework or college or uni applications, its taken way into their teens to get diagnosis for .. despite having some sort of benefit for them its not going on therapy or on anything for them. When the kids come home from school, she goes to bed. To top it off theyre going to Turkey and leaving the kids at home to fend for themselves (as my in-laws are unable to help as planned due to health issues). Eldest will still be at uni.

Shes called tonight to ask if DH and I will attend a early help intervention meeting with CAHMs. My first reaction was honestly why should we? We have a 4 y/o and 9 y/o, my DH is a police officer and im a full time solicitor in the city and we dont have heaps of spare time or any childcare support. That aside, they dont actually help themselves, even if we could get a sitter, should we say we can offer support to people that bugger off on holiday and leave them alone?

Also what is this meeting and what does it entail? SIL says she doesn't know.

If you are in the police and DN decides to accuse you of hitting them or worse it could affect career surely

Define high functioning. Care needs can be hugely high for a variety of reasons for people without a comorbidity of intellectual disability.

But at one end of the spectrum the effect is milder on someone's life and ability to function.

There is no end to the spectrum. It’s almost impossible to put in a pigeon hole. It also has to have significant impact on life for people to get a diagnosis.

This. It's possible for two things to exist at the same time. One, that they have not received the support they need so far, and two, that they are not great at parenting.

Have you given SIL some tough love? That she’s being a shit parent and she needs to sort herself out?

It needs to be remembered that with CAMHS and Early Help reports show that local agencies sometimes react to severe crises rather than offering early support right away which is hugely unhelpful.

Respite? Definitely say no to this - her children are adults or nearly adults! They’re also at school or should be and violent and she doesn’t work. She has plenty of time to herself. I’d join the early help remotely but only if it’s just you and your husband. You can only tell the truth if it’s just you and not the parents there.

Early help is usually to discuss ways parents and their children can get the support they need and they make action points etc.

If you attend the meeting, you will leave with actions. You'll also be included in every assessment & start to be relied upon for support. This ends with you being assessed as a kinship carer "just as a contingency" & as soon as you're assessed, parents will section 20 all of their responsibilities away (with no repercussions) & you either take the children in or will be treated like a villain for allowing your niece's/nephews to go into care. Now is the time to pee or get off the pot - if you're not 100% in, then stay 100% out because once that ball gets rolling it'll be almost impossible to stop it.

I agree with the above comment about respite. Sorry don’t think anyone educated to the level of a qualified solicitor would say rest bite.

No i wouldn't say that. In old money terms I have two sons both on each end of the spectrum. My son who is higher functioning struggles just as much as my lower functioning son just with different things. There is no mild about it.

You're correct that it's your SIL and her partner that need a boundary being set rather than her kids. The children are a nightmare because the parents are neglectful, full stop. Rather than picking up the pieces you need to threaten the parents with reporting them to social services if they go on this holiday.

I suspect this will be "self-made" autism - where the kids were fobbed off with screens since baby and toddlerhood so that the parents could ignore them and pursue their own interests, and consequently didn't learn the communication/emotional regulation skills that develop in the first years of life. What your SIL and her partner are doing is unforgivable.

Exactly this and you can’t parent away either .

it’s not clear if you’re attending whilst they are on holiday? Either way I works attend either in person or online to lay out that you can’t offer support due to your own family, work commitment and the behaviour of the nieces and nephews and how this could affect your own children.
it totally sounds like your sil and bil have checked out of parenting, did they used to properly parent? I know many people on here like to offer a different point of view but there are plenty of lazy, feckless parents who just can’t be bothered by the time their kids are teens. It is very sad for your nephew and nieces that there are no boundaries in place for them and that their parents are taking themselves on a holiday, do you think with the children’s DLA?

I read this differently - OP, is this meeting actually taking place while they are on holiday or is your SIL “just” asking you to attend a support meeting with them?

Jeez - every heard of a typo/autocorrect? Not checking to the same degree as work.

This

Children's sake or not, why is op the one expected to step up and parent these kids when the parents themselves are literally doing fuck all. Maybe they would be best in care away from their useless parents. Its neglect. I would send them a letter stating what op has said here making it clear to camhs that the majority of these problems come from lack of parenting and can't be bothered to get up and actually help their children. There's no excuse when your child has sen it means you parent harder not less.

Its a well known term most people will have come across it

So they are leaving an unstable and violent 16 year old in charge of two 14 year olds one with autism and epilepsy - I would be reporting to social services immediately, this is so unsafe for the children which is legally what they are

I would go and explain to champs what you said here. This might be the start of them actually getting the help they need and the parents getting the help they need to parent. You can be clear about not being able to look after the kids due to their behaviour. Explain everything and hopefully, someone listens. Do it for the kids and society as a whole, as sending these kids into the world with no support isn’t going by to be great for anyone is it .

Agrreed and its a common mistske too
I have a seveley disabled son who gets respite

People are slways talking about rest bite on forums.

I would not have anything to do with this. I would speak to the SENCo/head at the twins’ school (who no doubt will also be invited to the meeting) and make your position very clear. Tell them about the Turkey holiday as well.

Yes, I would tend to agree with this.

That isn’t to say that the parents haven’t made bad choices. But clearly there is a little more than just ‘we can’t be arsed to parent our kids’ going on.

Unfortunately, by mid-teens, this really will be a last ditch effort h attempt to improve things. Because otherwise these children are going to be trapped in a cycle of unemployment and potentially crime.