To think my husband's relationship with his sisters is totally normal?

[Morpega]

My husband has two sisters, one slightly older and one slightly younger. They don't live near eachother but speak a lot and share a hobby (as does one their husbands) and they meet up for that quite regularly. Their parents are elderly but they are lovely too and they see their folks a lot.

I am a very different person to my sisters in law but we all get along well and there hasn't been a cross word among us in just over 20 years of me being with their brother. My sils love my kids and treat them very kindly. Ultimately I am not super close to my sils, but I have absolutely no problem with my husband having a really good relationship with my sils. I love DH and want him to have as many people in his life who love him, support him, etc; same as for my kids.

My mother had a terrible upbringing which basically ended up with her fending for herself from when she was a teenager. Her parents are long dead and she has no relationship with her many siblings, as they are all very dysfunctional. She did her best to give me and my sibling a stable home with lots of happy memories but at times it has been clear that she didn't have a happy time growing up. I don't have a close relationship with my own sibling but we get on ok when we see eachother. I have lots of friends and am a real people person but just don't click with my sibling beyond pleasantries.

Ok, now the crux. My mother thinks that my husband's relationship with his sisters is weird and pulls a face any time I mention that they are meeting up or that we are going on holiday together. She has said that she thinks they're all obsessed with eachother and that it isn't normal. Now I don't tell her anything about my sisters in law except recently she asked something about one of them and I mentioned she had been staying with us a while back. Mum pulled the most horrible, disgusted kind of smirk and said 'AGAIN?' Then she pretended that she was trying to stifle her words but couldn't contain herself and said 'weeeeeeeeeirrrrrdddddd'.

My father's family is very close and my mum has behaved similarly towards him my whole life. He just completely ignored her when she said her piece through the years, and continued seeing his family. She doesn't respond to logic and you cannot reason with her about it. I feel like she always tried to make my dad feel like he was weird for being close to his family and is now doing the same to me. I know she wants me to feel embarrassed about how close my husband is to his family but I do not care!

I just ignore her or do grey rock when she starts but I feel like I don't want to tell her anything about our lives when she acts like this. How do I handle this?

As long as they’re not enmeshed with each other, I think it’s lovely that they get on and share a hobby.

You say they speak about. How often is ‘a lot’? Daily? Weekly? For minutes or hours? Are they forever messaging, or is it a normal amount of contact?

You don’t seem bothered by their level of interaction so I’m guessing it’s fine.

I dont think they are enmeshed. I actually think I was enmeshed with my mother for a long time and pulled myself out of that situation. My sisters in law all have busy lives and call once a week to catch up and they are in a group chat. They meet up once every 6 weeks or so, not always all 3 together but there are often plans for them to go to watch a certain sport together amd we will meet up for dinner with spouses and kids every few months too. I think it's all normal.

Why does she think it’s weird? I would have it out with her - what is she implying? And what basis? I’d tell her she was the weird one not to have any relationship with any of her siblings. Strange woman.

I cannot have it out with her as she acts like we all know she is right. Like I am being so naive to not see what's going on and like I am almost to be pitied. She is convinced its weird and can't really give any other answer other than that DH and sils do loads together ('can't do anything without eachother'). If there was a problem i would know!

She’s either jealous because of her horrible childhood or she genuinely can’t recognise healthy family relationships. Either way she sounds a bit spiteful. Just change the subject when she brings it up. Or tell her to shut up about it.

It’s your mum who’s the weird one here. It’s lovely that your DH is close to his sisters. Presumably your mum is subconsciously jealous of their closeness. I’d be tempted to challenge her: “Mum, why are you so bothered by this?”

Tell her that you're really sorry that she had such a difficult family life, and didn't get to enjoy the kind of sibling relationship that your DH does and your dad did.

On some level it seems as though she's belittliing other people's family relationships so that she doesn't have to face the fact that she had a shit family.

Thank you. I think its a bit of both, definitely jealousy.

It's lovely when family are close, and sad she didn't experience it, but then many don't, so jealously expressed this way is common. A lot of siblings seldom see each other after 18, so it's not like it's weird either way round, but obviously his is the nicer way.

YANBU, your DH’s family sounds lovely- as do you. Very sadly your DM sounds jealous.

Speaking once a week and meeting every six weeks is normal in a family setting. Reading your posts, your DM may have had a dysfunctional relationship with her siblings in the past.

I agree. That’s not enmeshed at all, but normal.

Mum's siblings were in and out of her life for decades. In the end they all hurt her badly, in different ways, so she has left them to their own devices. They used her and treated her badly through the years. They are low lives.

I came across someone with your mums attitude once. It was strange. She led a course I took and after class once, talk turned to the weekend. A few of us randomly had plans with siblings and the teacher made a weird face too. Then when she could find words, expressed pretty much bewilderment that people kept up relations with siblings once you had all left home. “What? All of you?”

It was like she’d never heard of the concept before, and she was in her 50’s.

‘With your family history, you’re not qualified to recognise what is normal. If you want an example of weird, look in the mirror’.

Or ‘Why do you do that every time I tell you that they’re meeting up? Do you think your own relationships with your siblings are anywhere near normal?’

Or distance yourself from her and if you do see her, don’t tell her anything.

Ignore her. Your husband has a normal relationship with his siblings. You have a good relationship with them. It all works for you. I talk to my sister daily via Whatsapp. We live in different countries. My friend talks to/meets her siblings weekly, they live twenty minutes away from each other. My brother talks to me monthly. It's all normal

You cant so dont bother. Its really not that important. Often people think other peoples behaviour is weird because its different. Ignore tour Mother.

I had a pretty dysfunctional upbringing but still very close to my siblings and parents. My fiancé’s family are too much for me, they are constantly messaging, group chats, brunches, nights out, etc. at first I found it really wholesome but now it just doesn’t do it for me, I wouldn’t call them weird, it’s just not what I’m used to and I find it all a bit overwhelming. They are lovely people, I’m not being rude about them, I know it’s a “me” problem but maybe your mum is just the same?

That she’s been hurt by her own siblings explains it. It must be painful to hear about other families who are close and enjoy spending time together.

I suppose I would probably just answer that it’s really normal, in fact, but you understand why she prefers to think otherwise. It’s basically a defence mechanism.

You sound like a completely loving and sensible person OP.

I’d suggest you keep on ignoring your Mum when she comes out with this nonsense op. What a bitter reaction to a normal loving family. What a shame for her. Doesn’t sound like she’s going to change.

This is really sad.

My grandmother had a hard life and it made her a bit miserable about other people’s good situations in some ways. I guess it could be considered jealousy but I thought of it more as a defensiveness built up to help her cope with the difficulties she’d suffered.

That’s really sad for your mum and it sounds like she’s expressing that hurt by lashing out at a happy sibling relationships. If she’s not in a place where you can reason with her about it, I think the best approach is to consistently redirect the subject.

”Well, we don’t agree on that, but never mind. Now, what are we going to have for lunch?”.

That is a burden to carry and it depends on how your mum treats you otherwise and whether this is a small kindness you can do her in an otherwise good relationship, or whether she becomes abusive with it.

Your mother is toxic and trying to poison your relationship with your in-laws. It probably stems from her jealousy about her own upbringing. I can't see why you can't have a very honest and robust conversation with her. If she can't/won't behave respectfully, you could reduce your level of contact with her.

We have a strange relationship. I know she loves me deep down but we have clashed many many times through the years. I keep her at an arm's length while maintaining a pleasant, light relationship. I see her once a month or so and I feel we both make an effort to censor ourselves somehow. I bite my tongue a lot! I am a bit scared of her because she has flown off the handle a few times in the past but I also see her as a child whose emotional development never progressed beyond 13. She thinks she is a wise old owl though 😀