To think my husband's relationship with his sisters is totally normal?

[Morpega]

My husband has two sisters, one slightly older and one slightly younger. They don't live near eachother but speak a lot and share a hobby (as does one their husbands) and they meet up for that quite regularly. Their parents are elderly but they are lovely too and they see their folks a lot.

I am a very different person to my sisters in law but we all get along well and there hasn't been a cross word among us in just over 20 years of me being with their brother. My sils love my kids and treat them very kindly. Ultimately I am not super close to my sils, but I have absolutely no problem with my husband having a really good relationship with my sils. I love DH and want him to have as many people in his life who love him, support him, etc; same as for my kids.

My mother had a terrible upbringing which basically ended up with her fending for herself from when she was a teenager. Her parents are long dead and she has no relationship with her many siblings, as they are all very dysfunctional. She did her best to give me and my sibling a stable home with lots of happy memories but at times it has been clear that she didn't have a happy time growing up. I don't have a close relationship with my own sibling but we get on ok when we see eachother. I have lots of friends and am a real people person but just don't click with my sibling beyond pleasantries.

Ok, now the crux. My mother thinks that my husband's relationship with his sisters is weird and pulls a face any time I mention that they are meeting up or that we are going on holiday together. She has said that she thinks they're all obsessed with eachother and that it isn't normal. Now I don't tell her anything about my sisters in law except recently she asked something about one of them and I mentioned she had been staying with us a while back. Mum pulled the most horrible, disgusted kind of smirk and said 'AGAIN?' Then she pretended that she was trying to stifle her words but couldn't contain herself and said 'weeeeeeeeeirrrrrdddddd'.

My father's family is very close and my mum has behaved similarly towards him my whole life. He just completely ignored her when she said her piece through the years, and continued seeing his family. She doesn't respond to logic and you cannot reason with her about it. I feel like she always tried to make my dad feel like he was weird for being close to his family and is now doing the same to me. I know she wants me to feel embarrassed about how close my husband is to his family but I do not care!

I just ignore her or do grey rock when she starts but I feel like I don't want to tell her anything about our lives when she acts like this. How do I handle this?

What a strange and bitter attitude. Some people just get along exceptionally well with their siblings. Others don’t. My sister was my best friend. We had such a laugh together and many shared interests. Apart from DP, she was my favourite person to spend time with. We also have a brother but neither of us was as close to him. Unfortunately my sister died in her late twenties and I still miss her thirty years later.

I think, OP, it’s best to steer away from the subject of your husband and his siblings when you are with your mum. If she asks directly, be evasive and change the subject. Her brain is set by years of bad experiences and she won’t change now. I think it’s lovely that your husband has a good, healthy relationship with his sisters. My DP sees quite a lot of his siblings, two of whom are in their early forties (significantly younger than DP) and still live with his parents. The relationship between them all is toxic and all four of his siblings have a very dismissive and mocking attitude towards him as if they are all still squabbling children who never grew up. He is very damaged by his upbringing and is a people pleaser and I have gone through every emotion when it comes to his insistence on spending time with them all. So I can definitely see what unhealthy sibling/family interactions look like. But your husband’s doesn’t sound like this at all.

... And you share a childhood and a whole number of years where you lived together, shared a life and experienced the same things.

Maybe say “why are you so upset by this, are you jealous?” And then leave.

It would do my head in, the constant niggling

Your mother sounds very jealous.

You could have been writing about mine, she’s the same

Dont tell her anything she can have an opinion on, it’s a sad way to behave but your MH will thank you long term. I’ve learnt the hard way.

Thank you for your response. We aren't close but have found a way to make it work as best it can. I let a lot of things go because I just see her for a few hours once a month. My therapist thinks that my mother's actual brain development was affected by the trauma she has been through and she loves in a corrupted way, which I agree with. Certain things really trigger her that baffle me. For example, a local lady had a child with a rare, terminal illness and the mum kept organising fundraisers to raise money for experimental treatment in the USA. My mother started getting annoyed about this and saying 'it was over the top'. To my mind, I thought, 'wouldn't anyone do anything, exhaust every option, go to the ends of the earth to help their child'? But I think she somehow connected her upbringing to the child's. It was weird, but revealing.

My mum comes from a large family and they are, in my opinion, very emeshed with each other. I find it very strange. However I wouldn't really say anything about it because I recognise that I'm quite solitary. So it's just not my thing. Your mum is entitled to her opinion but should perhaps keep it to herself 🙂.

I'm waiting for this poster to come back and say nobody got their sarcasm, surely this is a joke? Or are they @Morpega's mum? 😂

Obviously not everyone has good relationships with family members, but I and the majority of people in my life have good or great relationships with their families. Some of us even...gasp...LOVE them.

Are you suggesting that because you’ve diagnosed that your mother‘s family is “enmeshed“ that is also the nature of the OP’s husband’s family? I would be interested to know what you’ve seen in the OP‘s description that describes an unhealthy relationship.

Totally normal and should be encouraged.

Far too many times I’ve seen blood family act like strangers and friends take preference over their own flesh and blood. Maybe it’s a cultural thing for me but sustaining family ties as long as healthy, is amazing.

Find it funny though if it were two sisters behaving like this, no one would say a word. However be it a husband or a son who wants to maintain a semblance of balance with his family, MN seem to act like it’s a sin

Your mum probably has a lot of trauma regarding family relationships, if it was very dysfunctional growing up.

I don’t ”feel compelled”. They are a joy to be around. We have always got along well, have similar sense of humour and values. I also love them, which despite what MN may say, is actually the norm. 🤷‍♀️

Its the same with talking to their mums.

If a woman rings her mum every day its considered normal
If a man does it he's a "mummy's boy"

This is great

I think if you don't feel you can say anything about it without destroying the relationship, and you want to maintain what you've got with her, all you can do is grey rock her every time. That's not me being judgemental by the way, i can see why you wouldn't want to risk losing the relationship entirely, but in practical terms I don't think you have any other options!

You mother is projecting her experience on him
Ignore her

My mum is very similar to yours OP - she had an awful upbringing as a result of a parent dying and then being packed off to boarding school at 7. She can be incredibly cold and incredulous about people doing normal loving things like your DH hanging out with his sisters. It’s driven by deep jealousy and sadness I think. My mum once confessed she was jealous my kids had a father in their lives and she finds it difficult to watch. I have a very fragile relationship with my mum and completely understand why you don’t want to challenge your mum as the fall out just isn’t worth it. You will never change her mind. No advice other than to say I completely understand where you are coming from.

My siblings are essentially my oldest friends. They’re awesome people, we enjoy each others’ company and I’m privileged to have them in my life. I’m very sorry you don’t have that.

That’s really poor of her to be so judgemental from a place of disgust.

I am one of five, now four, we are a very close family, not enmeshed together but always there for each other, meeting up several times a year.
I have two sisters who are very close, we’d be in contact more regularly.

Before my parents died, we’d meet up weekly.

Your mother sounds very negative and controlling, it is difficult to tell her she’s wrong. I get that. She is wrong.

You are very insightful about your mum - she may be jealous and incapable but that smirking judgement is insufferable. It’s her mechanism for thinking she has it right and her being emotionally stunted but thinking she is wise is I reckon bang on. Grey rock all the way. There is nothing to be won or proven. How fortunate your DH is and how brilliant you are to be so clear sighted. Keep being the calm adult and have the relationship on your terms.

I actually have no real relationship with any of my aunts, uncles or cousins because I am either estranged from them via my mother or had minimal contact with them due to the weird situation with my father. I want my children to grow up knowing and loving their aunts (and uncles through marriage) and grow up having a close bond with their cousins. I have such a wholesome view of it but she makes it into something weird.

Anyway I guess my plan to greyrock and block it out to maintain a tenuous relationship as best I can is the best thing.

He is very lucky OP - me and DH hang out regularly with his parents, sister, my mum etc - its not weird, its family. Id hang out with my brother if he wasnt such an arse. My dad is like ur mum - as a result i hardly saw my family growing up. Even now, he doesnt engage with me or my children even though he lives 30 mins away. Its their loss.

That would be really nasty.

I suspect your Mum's behaviour is either jealousy, that she doesn't have that kind of relationship with her siblings or a complete lack of understanding of a normal sibling relationship. Quite possibly both, to be honest.

Nothing you have stated suggests that your husband has a 'weird' relationship with his sisters! I'm an only child, so have no experience of a sibling relationship, but even I can see your husband's relationship with his sister's is 'normal'!

From what you've said, nothing you say to your Mum is going to change her attitude. She has the same attitude towards your Dad, and his siblings. Her issues are ingrained and likely stem from her upbringing.

I would stop telling your Mum anything, that you know will cause the reaction. There's little point in talking to her about her very strange attitude!! The less you tell her, the less she can criticise.

🙄 So are the implications the OP’s mum is making about her husband.

If the OP’s mum had a genuine and valid concern about the OP’s relationships with his siblings, then yes, it could be a bit mean. It would be a case of a mum trying to help her DD. But as the OP’s mum is currently trying to imply that there’s some odd, incestuous relationship going on with his family and as attempts to kindly point out that it’s all fine and the OP doesn’t have an issue with it, have been ignored, then there comes a point where you have either got to accept it and let those comments insidiously damage your marriage (or at the very least, hurt your husband’s feelings), or you shut that shit down firmly so it’s never said again. Her mum is ignoring all attempts the OP has made to do it kindly, so how would you suggest she does it?