To think my husband's relationship with his sisters is totally normal?

[Morpega]

My husband has two sisters, one slightly older and one slightly younger. They don't live near eachother but speak a lot and share a hobby (as does one their husbands) and they meet up for that quite regularly. Their parents are elderly but they are lovely too and they see their folks a lot.

I am a very different person to my sisters in law but we all get along well and there hasn't been a cross word among us in just over 20 years of me being with their brother. My sils love my kids and treat them very kindly. Ultimately I am not super close to my sils, but I have absolutely no problem with my husband having a really good relationship with my sils. I love DH and want him to have as many people in his life who love him, support him, etc; same as for my kids.

My mother had a terrible upbringing which basically ended up with her fending for herself from when she was a teenager. Her parents are long dead and she has no relationship with her many siblings, as they are all very dysfunctional. She did her best to give me and my sibling a stable home with lots of happy memories but at times it has been clear that she didn't have a happy time growing up. I don't have a close relationship with my own sibling but we get on ok when we see eachother. I have lots of friends and am a real people person but just don't click with my sibling beyond pleasantries.

Ok, now the crux. My mother thinks that my husband's relationship with his sisters is weird and pulls a face any time I mention that they are meeting up or that we are going on holiday together. She has said that she thinks they're all obsessed with eachother and that it isn't normal. Now I don't tell her anything about my sisters in law except recently she asked something about one of them and I mentioned she had been staying with us a while back. Mum pulled the most horrible, disgusted kind of smirk and said 'AGAIN?' Then she pretended that she was trying to stifle her words but couldn't contain herself and said 'weeeeeeeeeirrrrrdddddd'.

My father's family is very close and my mum has behaved similarly towards him my whole life. He just completely ignored her when she said her piece through the years, and continued seeing his family. She doesn't respond to logic and you cannot reason with her about it. I feel like she always tried to make my dad feel like he was weird for being close to his family and is now doing the same to me. I know she wants me to feel embarrassed about how close my husband is to his family but I do not care!

I just ignore her or do grey rock when she starts but I feel like I don't want to tell her anything about our lives when she acts like this. How do I handle this?

Is it because it’s a brother and sister or would she still think the same if it was a brother?

It would be the same.

Aw ok, it sounds like she jealous which is a shame but must be hard to hear when it’s your husband and in laws who you love. My sister is my best friend and I see her every week sometimes more. I don’t get why anyone would care or find it weird. Would she comment if you were as close to your sibling?

It sounds like jealousy on your mum's part. I would just refrain from discussing your husband's family with her and if she asks about them just say why are you asking about them, when you think they're all weird?

I can see why she feels the way she does and even why she expresses it but for your own comfort, I think you need to share less with her.

I have a dysfunctional family and rarely see them. I would love a closer family like you do, it sounds lovely. Your DH and children (and you) have more people to love and support them. I don’t see anything weird about it, what on earth is she implying?

YANBU. My siblings are some of my absolutely most favourite people and we spend lots of time together and go on holiday regularly. It's totally normal. Your mum is coming from a place of trauma and it's giving her a warped perspective. Continue to grey rock and give her minimal information, it's the best way forward.

My DH grew up in an abusive household so doesn't understand family being close, although he isn't rude like your mum. Sounds like your mum is the same and that you actually have the right attitude towards your DH. I suggest ignoring her and giving her as little information about them as possible.

100% it’s jealousy - my mum has huge issues about her upbringing and some bullying at school. She is scathing about any adult women having female friends or (weirdly) getting their hair done or beauty treatments.

I think your mum is emotionally damaged and doesnt like to see happy families. I've come across this before. Damaged people who turn everything upside down so that what is normal and healthy is presented as weird, and what is psychologically dysfunctional and emotionally cold is presented as the norm. They are dangerous people. When i was 17 I went out with a 23 year old man...I was very close with my family and there was a lot of love and care in our house. This boy used to tell me I was ' spoilt', I wasnt independent enough, I was 'overprotected,' I was this. I was that. He even had a row with my mum and.I moved out for 2 weeks because he convinced me to. Eventually we broke up. I still know of him through the grapevine. He's got 3 failed marriages behind him and cheated relentlessly on his first wife. He wouldnt know emotional stability if it hit him in the face. So when people tell you families are enmeshed. think about who is saying it because half the time it's the fucked up people who think people who love each othrr are too involved.

She's jealous. Those loving relationships have nothing to do with her and she sees them as a threat. I know where she's coming from because I had a similar upbringing and similar things went through my mind when I was young.
But time has given me the wisdom to see that it is jealousy. I could never have those plentiful, close, loving relationships that I saw others have because I just didn't know how to as a closed, suspicious person.
She knows the relationships are lovely, but openly admitting that would be admitting she is lacking something, her children are missing something, they are less than.

@Morpega she sounds a bit envious to me so I reckon she’s belittling it

It doesn’t matter what she thinks. Just a bit sad as her attitude is a result of her own upbringing. Not her fault, it probably just makes her feel a bit insecure.

Your mom's out of her lane here.

Just because she wasn't close with her siblings doesn't mean siblings can't be close. She's judging your husband's family solely by her dysfunction.

Tell her to knock it off next time she brings it up. If she's at your home, time for her to leave. If you're at hers, time for you to leave. But do not tolerate her shit talking your husband's family because that's what she's doing. I think she's looking for a wedge to put in between you and your husband along with his family.

Absolutely that. I don't think it's classical jealousy, either. If she can convince herself that these examples of healthy sibling relationships are weird, she doesn't have to face up to, and be deeply sad about, having really horrible siblings who hurt her.

I feel pretty sorry for her, and as I suggested before, I'd express that sympathy occasionally when she says anything about your DH.

I have to say, while I had heaps of sympathy for her, some of her behaviour was still unacceptable and I didn't expose myself to it that much, because it still has a detrimental impact even when you know what's behind it.

Sounds like she's really envious of having a close relationship with family, and can't manage that herself, so this is how she deals with it.

My MIL only gets good news and the sound bites that please her. She’s a nuisance otherwise so it’s for our benefit ans hers, she has an opinion on everything and stresses over everything! Less hassle all round to keep her in the dark.

Your mother sounds like mine, I’m NC, she ticks every abusive narcissistic parent box. She has a massive issue with normal relationships, family, friends, romantic, so many she considers “weeiiirrrdd” like your mother dose. My SIL is one of 3 children to 3 different men, my mother would go on about how weird the family were and not normal simply because 2 out of the 3 dads ( both husbands at one point) actually got on well with each other and SILs mum. Apparently it’s not normal to remain friends or amicable if you divorce someone and certainly not normal to help support children who aren’t biologically yours. One dad wasn’t on the scene but the others would always include the child whose Dad wasn’t around and make him feel just as loved as their bio kids.

I remember her thinking it was weird DHs BIL went camping with his DD, apparently it wasn’t normal nor was it normal SIL took her son on a theatre weekend. Trying to explain that they were each spending quality time with each child individually doing what the children choose just didn’t compute with her at all.

Your DHs family sound perfectly normal and healthy to me, your mother, well best thing I ever did was go NC with mine.

Yeah I’m with your mum on this one, I don’t and never will understand why people feel compelled to stay in touch with their siblings in adulthood beyond Christmas cards and pleasantries at family events. Just why??? So you shared the same parents, and?! They’re not your friends, you just share DNA 🧬

Sadly your mother is deeply bitter and jealous because she’s very affected by her damaged childhood family relationships.

Shes the only one that doesn’t realise it because it’s probably far too painful for her.

There’s nothing you can do about it, but I do feel sorry for both you and your DF having to listen to her negative warped views.

@Morpega your mum is bitter and possibly ignorant to how families work due to her own upbringing. Pulling faces and calling them weird is toxic behaviour. Avoid telling her anything nice outside your family unit, as it sounds as though she’ll always dampen it - perhaps not on purpose though.

Thanks everyone. The comments are actually offensive to me and its the underlying attempt to make me feel ashamed. I actually now burn bright red when she asks me about the sils, like I am covering something shameful up. She does a kind of eye roll/smirk that makes me feel very small and powerless but I always stay strong and make sure my body language is very self assured and not bothered.

I have also seen her respond to a piece of information about my sils with her smirky, 'Oh my goodness I am cringing for you' expression, see I wasn't taking the bait and immediately change to a normal face/tone. She cannot stand my dad's family because they all rally around eachother and keep in touch regularly. My sibling is actually very similar to her and I think jealous of my sils. I think my mum and sibling bounce off eachother.

I spoke to my dad about it and he said that my mum was not raised very well and that's why she is like this. Its infuriating but very sad. Its so warped and unhealthy.

Your mother sounds truly, truly awful. Horrendous! Well done coping. The greatest joy most parents have is seeing that their adult children get on well, support one another and will look after each other when their parents are gone.

That's actually my own experience tbh! I have no real relationship with my sibling but my sils have said that they would still hang out with eachother if they weren't related because they get on so well. Also my kids are really close, have the same sense of humour and kind of finish eachother's sentences (but they also have their own friends and hobbies etc). I don't relate to it personally but think its great from what I can see.