To think my husband's relationship with his sisters is totally normal?

[Morpega]

My husband has two sisters, one slightly older and one slightly younger. They don't live near eachother but speak a lot and share a hobby (as does one their husbands) and they meet up for that quite regularly. Their parents are elderly but they are lovely too and they see their folks a lot.

I am a very different person to my sisters in law but we all get along well and there hasn't been a cross word among us in just over 20 years of me being with their brother. My sils love my kids and treat them very kindly. Ultimately I am not super close to my sils, but I have absolutely no problem with my husband having a really good relationship with my sils. I love DH and want him to have as many people in his life who love him, support him, etc; same as for my kids.

My mother had a terrible upbringing which basically ended up with her fending for herself from when she was a teenager. Her parents are long dead and she has no relationship with her many siblings, as they are all very dysfunctional. She did her best to give me and my sibling a stable home with lots of happy memories but at times it has been clear that she didn't have a happy time growing up. I don't have a close relationship with my own sibling but we get on ok when we see eachother. I have lots of friends and am a real people person but just don't click with my sibling beyond pleasantries.

Ok, now the crux. My mother thinks that my husband's relationship with his sisters is weird and pulls a face any time I mention that they are meeting up or that we are going on holiday together. She has said that she thinks they're all obsessed with eachother and that it isn't normal. Now I don't tell her anything about my sisters in law except recently she asked something about one of them and I mentioned she had been staying with us a while back. Mum pulled the most horrible, disgusted kind of smirk and said 'AGAIN?' Then she pretended that she was trying to stifle her words but couldn't contain herself and said 'weeeeeeeeeirrrrrdddddd'.

My father's family is very close and my mum has behaved similarly towards him my whole life. He just completely ignored her when she said her piece through the years, and continued seeing his family. She doesn't respond to logic and you cannot reason with her about it. I feel like she always tried to make my dad feel like he was weird for being close to his family and is now doing the same to me. I know she wants me to feel embarrassed about how close my husband is to his family but I do not care!

I just ignore her or do grey rock when she starts but I feel like I don't want to tell her anything about our lives when she acts like this. How do I handle this?

It doesn’t sound weird to me. It sounds as if your mum is a bit envious, which isn’t surprising given her own difficult family dynamics. I’d just ignore it, giving her a reaction feeds her resentment.

I am not super close to my sils, but I have absolutely no problem with my husband having a really good relationship with my sils

I found this statement a little odd.

You shouldn’t have a problem with it. I know you don’t, but it’s a weird thing to say. It’s as if your mother’s behaviour has made you justify it.

It’s ‘weird’ to your mother because it is totally outside her realm of experience.

try not to get mad at her. She has had a damaged life and can’t understand the joy of a close, loving relationship with family because she never had this.

try and just ignore her comments. She isn’t trying to deliberately hurt you . I don’t even think she is jealous.

I think she is a very damaged and fragile person because of her upbringing. Unless she is the type to want to do extensive therapy to come to terms with it all she is never going to change.

Try not to let it get to you. You know your husband and their family have a living and beautiful relationship but she really doesn’t.

sometimes it’s a case of taking a deep breath and just letting the comments wash over you.

I don’t know about anyone else but I don’t feel compelled, I just like my siblings. We have a lot in common and make each other laugh. So why not?

I don't know why so much advice on this thread is "ignore her" or "try to understand". I wouldn't tolerate my mother making constant sarcastic or unpleasant comments about people I love! No way!!

The very next time she does it, OP, let loose and give her a piece of your mind! Tell her to stop being such an unkind misery guts and to try understanding that families are different. That your husband's family is happy and functioning, unlike hers, and bitterness and jealousy is not a good look. Get angry, it's absolutely justifiable.

You do not have to swallow her toxic comments just because she's your mother. You do not have to keep the peace just because she's your mother. You do not have to go along with your dad's complicity just because he's your father.

Why do you describe it as a compulsion? That’s what I find difficult to understand and I’d be interested to know you’re thinking on that.

Of the people I know who have siblings, there’s a huge variety in the amount of contact they have with each other. They don’t always get on but many are an important part of each other’s lives and I think that was quite normal years ago, when people lived closer to each other.

Some people like their siblings and some people don’t like their siblings. I don’t think you can generalise but I definitely envy people who have a good relationship with siblings. Social workers where I worked used to say that the sibling relationship could be the most important relationship of your life because it lasts from early childhood to old age. It is often more constant and outlasts relationships partners and usually outlasts the life of your parents..

This kind of issue is easier to handle when you can do it from a place of compassion.

It can be incredibly difficult to be compassionate towards our own parents though because it shatters the illusion that they are powerful (enough to safely protect us from all harm) when we think of them as flawed human beings.

I think your dm probably was a wise old owl for 13 and got stuck emotionally at that age. Even though it’s toxic, it’s very likely that the speed of her reactions to any talk of your sils is rooted in her maternal desire to
protect you from the very real, and clearly, profoundly damaging pain she experienced. It’s instinctive, not reasoned.

I think that your job here isn’t to convince her, or to fix her but just to love her. You already know that this is alright in the context of your own marriage. You’ve clearly done a lot to release the bonds of enmeshment, and this discomfort about having a different opinion is one of them too. I’d probably just continue as you have been and avoid the topic with her and grey rock her reactions. They’re part of her process of dealing with what happened to her, and not really relevant to you. They’re part shame belongs to the people who damaged her - not to you so don’t hold it.

I was reading your post expecting you to say they see each other everyday or similar. Their relationship sounds wonderful and I don't think they see or speak to each at all excessively. I wish I had that relationship with my siblings.

Your mum sounds jealous and unfortunately isn't self aware enough to realise she isn't the best judge of healthy sibling relationships.

Well done to you for managing her comments, it much be difficult. I wonder what she hopes to achieve with her comments? I would try not to mention them in front of her, easier said than done and I wouldn't want to have to censor my conversations.

The OP’s problem is not compassion for her mother, it’s the fact her mother won’t let it drop. It’s incredibly annoying when someone will not let go of an issue like this. And the issue is clearly living rent-free in OP’s mother’s head.

You sound like my ex-boyfriend who used to say he didn’t “want to play happy families”. I would reply, that we’re not playing. We actually enjoy spending time together. I don’t get why that’s so hard to understand.

Pretty clear she’s bitter and jealous because she longs for a close relationship with her family but can’t due to how dysfunctional they all are and how mistreated she has been over the years. Poor woman.

My mother was so jealous of everyone that she thought that any family being close was akin to incest. Honestly it was a nightmare. She then turned on my children that were close she has since caused major division in our family due to her jealousy and sick head. We are no contact over it as she is completely hell bent on destroying anything I have.

Really?
I not only love my siblings, I also like them, enjoy their company and being close to them enriches my life.

But it's not a "compulsion" it's a choice if you like or love them. In the same way that people like to spend time with friends. We see DH's brother and BIL's wife most weeks because we like them and have things in common/ shared interests etc. They're good company and I'm thankful to count SIL as one of my friends.

Just ignore her. Don't mention them to her and if she starts talking shut her down.

My mother displayed quite similar behaviour towards my relationship with my ex mother in law. The same type of nasty comments and expressions. I was younger then and didn’t directly address. However now, in my second marriage, the first hint she tried to make similar comments about my “new” mother in law and I nipped it in the bud. I told her I wouldn’t be tolerating her nasty behaviour and this was the one and only warning she’d be getting. We are becoming lower and lower contact for a different reason but she hasn’t tried that one again.

Enjoy your family away from her. Your husbands and your dads. I'd keep mum at arms length as much as possible she sounds really hard work.

She is jealous and finds pleasure in trying to make you feel bad and uncomfortable. She’s cruel for deliberately finding opportunities to do this and hurt you.

The only way to deal with this sort of insecure and narcissistic behaviour in my experience is to call it out.

I would suggest calling it out OUTSIDE of when she does it. Don’t wait for the next time. This gives you the advantage of being prepared and her not. It also adds seriousness to your point.

”Mum I’d like to talk to you about something
that has caused me unhappiness for many years. There are times when you pull faces, smirk in a condescending manner, and show your annoyance at how much time DH spends with his siblings. When you do this it makes me feel bad and uncomfortable. DH and I really enjoy his relationship with his sisters, and we find it cruel that you continually speak badly about it. Many people do this sort of thing because they are jealous, or want to hurt the person they are talking to, which is what is your motive. You might want to spend some time asking yourself why you are like this. If you continue to say bad things regarding DH’s relationship with his sisters, or pull passive aggressive faces such as smirks and so on when they are mentioned, you will be asked to leave the house. To reiterate, we find a lot of joy in our relationship with his sisters and we expect you to refrain from commenting.”

Say it slowly, in a low volume and be extremely still and calm in body language when you do it.

My DMIL used to do this a lot about my own sister btw. It was because she hated her own sister and they were estranged. She literally could not wait to find a way to pour sour grapes on anything linked to my sister. I used to test it for fun. Eg once I brought a dress out that my sister had bought my child and said how lovely I thought it was. My MIL sulked and said nastily she didn’t like the colour in a clipped flippant way. If I ever mentioned I’d spent the day with my sister she would have a face on her. I once made up a complete lie and said my sister had annoyed me over something and my MIL puffed up immediately with joy and was all
energetic and super happy. It was pathetic to watch.

^This.

When you don't come from a functional, emotionally secure family background you become fiercely independent -.often to the detriment of many of your own relationships. You simply can't compute that it is possible to have healthy, connected relationships and view any relationships as suspicious, while also at the same time being envious about not having close relationships.

It might not make it any easier to deal with in the moment and grey rocking is the best strategy, but it may also help to know this is well documented and researched, and your Mum isn't unusual.

It actually sounds lovely to me. I've never managed to be close to anyone but my husband and I'd love what your husband's family has

V similar to my mum, who is very damaged and a ball of tension and judgement.

She's clearly so resentful with so many healthy, happy families around her. Sounds like you handle it all perfectly x

I have married into a happier family and unfortunately I have picked up a bit of this from my mum. I just feel a bit uncomfortable seeing other people be emotionally close with their family because mine is so dysfunctional. I know theirs isn't and it's genuinely lovely to see it, especially now I've had more therapy!

Some people don't fully process their own grief about their situation. And for me there's also a worry that people can sense that I'm not going to reply with a breezy similar story about popping round to my mum's in the middle of the day or when we went on holiday together. we are not going to do that and I'm okay about that now but for a long time I wasn't because people's sadness made me angry.

Had to quote this post as I think it’s so right -DM probably is stuck in her 13 year old views.
Just don’t mention your in-laws to her - I’m close to one sibling not so close to other - we all want our separate ways and moved to different places on adulthood mainly because home life growing up was not v happy

What IS she implying though? That he’s having some kind of incestuous affair with his sisters?! It’s such a clear cut case of jealousy of what she missed out on growing up. I’d say something like “I’m sorry you had a rubbish childhood and, as a result, aren’t close to any of your siblings now, but it’s not fair to slag off dh’s relationship with his siblings just because of what happened to you. Dh’s relationship with them is the normal one, sadly your situation is the more abnormal one. Have you ever thought about chatting to a therapist about it all”? She also probably feels like you’re becoming more part of your dh’s family and less a part of hers and that makes her feel threatened