To think my husband's relationship with his sisters is totally normal?

[Morpega]

My husband has two sisters, one slightly older and one slightly younger. They don't live near eachother but speak a lot and share a hobby (as does one their husbands) and they meet up for that quite regularly. Their parents are elderly but they are lovely too and they see their folks a lot.

I am a very different person to my sisters in law but we all get along well and there hasn't been a cross word among us in just over 20 years of me being with their brother. My sils love my kids and treat them very kindly. Ultimately I am not super close to my sils, but I have absolutely no problem with my husband having a really good relationship with my sils. I love DH and want him to have as many people in his life who love him, support him, etc; same as for my kids.

My mother had a terrible upbringing which basically ended up with her fending for herself from when she was a teenager. Her parents are long dead and she has no relationship with her many siblings, as they are all very dysfunctional. She did her best to give me and my sibling a stable home with lots of happy memories but at times it has been clear that she didn't have a happy time growing up. I don't have a close relationship with my own sibling but we get on ok when we see eachother. I have lots of friends and am a real people person but just don't click with my sibling beyond pleasantries.

Ok, now the crux. My mother thinks that my husband's relationship with his sisters is weird and pulls a face any time I mention that they are meeting up or that we are going on holiday together. She has said that she thinks they're all obsessed with eachother and that it isn't normal. Now I don't tell her anything about my sisters in law except recently she asked something about one of them and I mentioned she had been staying with us a while back. Mum pulled the most horrible, disgusted kind of smirk and said 'AGAIN?' Then she pretended that she was trying to stifle her words but couldn't contain herself and said 'weeeeeeeeeirrrrrdddddd'.

My father's family is very close and my mum has behaved similarly towards him my whole life. He just completely ignored her when she said her piece through the years, and continued seeing his family. She doesn't respond to logic and you cannot reason with her about it. I feel like she always tried to make my dad feel like he was weird for being close to his family and is now doing the same to me. I know she wants me to feel embarrassed about how close my husband is to his family but I do not care!

I just ignore her or do grey rock when she starts but I feel like I don't want to tell her anything about our lives when she acts like this. How do I handle this?

Thank you @Lastknownaddress because you have explained much of what has gone on in my own life in your first sentences.

When I was much younger, in my 20s, a counsellor, who I suspect had minimal training, expressed surprise, which itself was bloody irritating, that my sibling and I had not been drawn close together because of our difficult childhood. But we have become independent and quite isolated and though I suspected that what you have described was behind it, it is a massive relief to see this written down by someone else.

I was just trying to paint the picture that i am not really involved in the full situation, which to me makes it odder that she has such strong feelings about it.

I think his relationship with his family sounds lovely and healthy. My own DH has a similar relationship with his sister in particular and I have no problem with it at all. Very similar to you, actually. Seems like you have it right as you know your mum is being the weird one so I’d just ignore her to be honest. She clearly has her own issues around it but it has nothing to do with you. I’d just not share that side of things with her as there’s no need to.

It is your mother who is weird. Your father showed you that.

Your DM obviously over shares with you. She is the odd one. Families who get along don't bad mouth other people like your mother does. By choice, people invest in positive relationships and hobbies.

Siblings who stay connected are held up by the knowledge that their family doesn't hold them back nor focus on negativIty.

Does your DM encourage you to explore your skills? Does she venture to new places with you? Sounds like she wallows in nasty talk and her own comfort.

Don't share anything about your spouse, SIL, DC and their hobby.

Change the topic.

Ask what your mother is creating? Is she volunteering? Can she recommend any books?

Ask her outright if her family was abusive to her? I think your mother lacks self worth.

They definitely were abusive to her. They were physically and emotionally abusive and she ended up very vulnerable at a young age and ended up being abused in other ways outside of her family. It was the wallpaper of my childhood tbh.

I also strongly suspect that my mother is on the autistic spectrum: my grandfather certainly had many traits and my sibling has a diagnosis. It was my own therapist who picked up on it a few years ago, and once she said it, I couldn't unhear it. I asked my dad if he thought she was on the spectrum too and he said 'yes'.

Poor thing is jealous

I can relate a bit to your relationship with your mother. I was also quite enmeshed with her before and would really take similar things to heart. My mum had a similar difficult upbringing too so I also had a lot of sympathy for her.

It sounds like you're a sensible person and I would continue on as you are, find a tool that works for you when she brings it up and breeze over it. If its really bothering you, maybe reduce contact a bit.

Your dh's family dynamic sounds really nice to be honest!

"Mum, can you stop calling John weird for seeing his family? There's nothing weird about them. Lots of families get on well and see each other a lot. I don't like you criticising them for something that's actually completely normal"
If she starts to argue its not normal, just keep repeating "No mum its fine. No point arguing about it"

She is bitter and jealous that she hasn’t got what you have. Just ignore like your father did.

What would happen if you confronted it head on? E.g., next time she says something, just say "do you think you'll always be jealous of people with healthy sibling relationships, because I'm fed up of hearing about this"?

It would be very, very messy! She cannot take criticism at all. And in the event that she can see she is wrong, she gets angry and says 'you're making me feel bad!'. I have worked too hard to get our relationship to a superficially functional one and I think this is the best we will ever have it.

I don't know what you can do about this. To be honest she would drive me up the wall. It's no concern of hers, how your DH and his siblings get on. Finding it hard to relate. What others are saying sounds good. Limit what you share and don't react to her comments. Best wishes.

Some of us actually love and like our siblings.

Could be all three at once tbh.

My mum is similar OP. Horrible childhood, dysfunctional relationships, and has a strong distaste for what she doesn't understand.

The other day she refused to sing happy birthday for my son because she hates birthdays for various reasons. Someone who had healed would get the fuck over themselves and sing for a five yo.

The only thing you can do is not let her bother you. I just blandly repeat back that whatever she says is bad or wrong is normal and nice, and I like it. I feel bad for my dad because she affects his family relationships by extension, but he never corrects her, gets her to seek help or leaves her, which is all on him really.

You can only control your own actions and reactions - my sister drives herself made trying to fix my mum but there's no point at this stage.

She sounds jealous . So lovely to hear your family dynamic with SIL is so healthy despite your own moms comments x

Agreed. I too think she’s jealous. I think every time she says it I’d say, that’s rude, no it’s not weird it’s actually normal for
many families to be close. It’s a shame you never had that experience.

Sounds like a defence mechanism - denigrating the thing that she hasn't got herself even though she would love to have it i.e. close family relationships. She does it because it is easier for her than the difficult feelings of loss she would experience if she fully took on board what she hasn't had and what she sees your husband and his sisters having. If I'm right, it is your mum's way of coping - you could challenge it, but usually people hold on to their defences quite strongly particularly as they age and from what you've said about her, I doubt you would get very far. Underneath I suspect she is sad about her own family background even though she puts a brave face on it. She might wonder why her own family didn't fight for her and protect her as a teenager. Heavily defended people can be a bit of pain to live alongside and I find the easiest thing to do is not get into difficult stuff with them, keep aware from hot topics and have a bit of compassion for whatever difficulties they have experienced - which is exactly what you are doing! No easy answers though, I'm afraid.

I feel sorry for you.

Can you tell her you're bored now as she continually makes the same remarks and it's just dull.

next time ask her if it’s any of her business or if it is harming her. Or even better do not mention them again

I'm afraid I think your mother is a very nasty piece of work.

She seems to be deeply jealous and bitter towards anyone who has a close, loving family, and her constant digs, along with the not-so-subtle insinuations that there's something vaguely incestuous about that closeness aren't just gross, they're deeply offensive and frankly repulsive.

Those comments say far more about her than they ever could about your husband's family. There is nothing remotely inappropriate about being close to the people you love.

I'd be telling her very plainly that I find her accusations incredibly revealing. They expose a deeply unpleasant and warped attitude on her part, rather than anything remotely questionable about your husband's family.

Agree - I have a close relationship with my sibling and the same goes for the siblings in our families. Not so much for my DH who had a more dysfunctional upbringing and he loves seeing how close our children are.

So what? let her get angry- the world isnt going to end.

This is an extremely unhealthy dynamic- so basically, she can act and say whatever she likes, no matter how rude and offensive it is and you all just have to swallow it and agree with her in case she gets upset?

Urgh

i haven’t read all your replies op but sounds like you’re doing so well for seeing it for what it really is, well done you, which is hard when those who have been hurt previously try and manipulate you into seeing things differently. Sounds to me like she has wounds probably from when she was a child that continued into adulthood causing her to reject close relationships and sabotage them as a preemptive way to protect from loss/harm, and when she did open up as an adult felt the wounds fresh all over again. This to say - it’s definitely a her problem and nothing weird about having a living close relationship. If you can always hold tight to the joy of those close family bonds and support your husband as you are, then this is lovely. Sounds like for now keeping it from her is wise as, owing to her wounds, she’ll automatically use anything she can to twist and self protect. Might be crazy but if you are close with your mum and love her to want to help her, you could tell her the truth. It might be worth doing some reading into it if you haven’t; I’m no psychologist but have read a few mind blowing books that explain all this (one called Love; how affection shapes a baby’s brain by Sue gerhart, one of the best books I’ve read), and it explains how insecure attachment breeds personality traits like your mum’s into adulthood. You could tell her something along the lines, “mum, I think ultimately youre jealous and resentful of these secure relationships and you twist what you hear from me into calling them weird as a self defence mechanism to soothe your own self as you didnt have secure relationships like this when you were young. You did the same to dad. It’s not fair and it’s not right. But I do feel deeply sad for you that you didn’t have that attachement because thats what you deserve, like we all do, to be unconditionally loved. Therapy is good and can be free through rhe GP if you ask to speak to time to talk to work through some of these issues, or there are paid options that can be more specific. I would love for you to think about therapy to work some of these issues so that you can be liberated from them, and more open and vulnerable to forming relationships and knowing you’re loved.” She might absolutely reject that for a while, then settle into understanding and see her viewpoint for what it is and want to change. Or she might react another way I don’t know. But if I were her (and I’m not), I’d rather be told the truth about why I was doing this and change so that I can live out the remainder of my life in more happy years. Much love xx

My mother's like this and over time I realised it's she who has a weird family dynamic.