AIBU to keep my holiday during stepson's family crisis?

[Gish889]

DH and I share a 4 year old and he also has an older child with his ex wife who is 13, we have been together for 8 years, married for 5.

His ex had an accident a couple of weeks ago that was very serious and she has been in hospital since. We are unsure what the outcome is going to be.

It is obviously a very distressing time for DSS and for H as well.

We are doing our best to be there for DSS and he is obviously with us full time right now (and likely for a long time if not, unfortunately, forever). Obviously this change was quite sudden so we have all muddled in to work out the logistics of this change with work etc... including myself. I don't say this for a pat on the back, just to give context that I am trying to do what I can to help.

To my AIBU... I have a holiday booked with my sister, her child and our child (similar ages) in the next couple of weeks.

DH thinks I should cancel so I can be here, I would honestly still like to go.

Honestly at the moment I feel a bit like a spare part, and I don't mean for that to come across as expecting to be anything but, but I don't think there is much I can offer right now in the circumstances to warrant staying home, cancelling our holiday, losing out on the money etc ..

Holiday is only 5 days and DSS is obviously more focused on his mum and H at the minute anyway.

Am I being completely awful to still go? I think, although he won't say it out loud, H is worried about dealing with the situation alone if anything changes.

It's not like you're going for two weeks - it's only 5 days. I'm sure they'll manage just fine. Go and enjoy your holiday. Your DH needs to step up to the mark and look after his son without you for a few days.

Thank goodness!! I was a bit 😳 at that!

honestly I think I would be led by my husband on this but I can see the merits in still going. It’s already booked and paid for, your shared child would enjoy it and I really think some time just the two of them would be good for both your husband and his son, especially without a 4yo charging about. But, like I say, if husband wanted me there, there I’d be.

I wouldn’t go . If the worst happens your DH is going to be devastated for his DS- he’ll need you around for support . I’m sure your insurance will cover you in the circumstances

Even if everyone on here says you should go on holiday are you really going to say to your DH Mumsnet have spoken so I’m going to go regardless? I would seriously never forgive my DH if he did that to me. Even if all you do is keep the house going and make sure they are eating something, they know you are there and you might not be able to do much but you will be therefore hugs and kind words.

You and your DC can have a holiday at any point. This is a once in a lifetime situation and you should be a team.

I wouldn’t go, I wouldn’t leave my husband d and stepson in this situation

I think they need to be left alone, as a family at this difficult time, you ss, your dh and his ex-wife. I think you will be doing them a favour by removing yourself and your ds from the picture. I think you and your ds should go on holiday.

I would still go OP.

I think the DSS could have his DF more to himself if the OP was around keeping the home fires burning at this terrible time.

Your job OP is to support your DH as best you can so that he can support his DS as best he can. If you put in this emotional investment then whatever happens your marriage will be stronger, your relationship with your DSS more stable and the relationship of your 4 year old with his sibling more stable.

How would you feel if you were facing a bereavement or in deep crisis supporting your DC and you asked your DH to hang back and they said No?

I think I would go on the basis it’s not a great situation for your 4 year old and it leaves dh to concentrate on dss but if dh was really against it I would stay

The holiday is a sunk cost. By not going you don’t really lose anything aside from disappointment (that will fade soon enough). By going, when H has asked you to stay, there’s a real risk you’ll lose his trust and damage your relationship. You’ll have a better idea on the likelihood of that happening than anyone here.

As a step parent I would definitely be inclined to go, I don’t think it’s callous and I would have thought taking your youngest away so your husbands can focus on his son would be welcome. Unless your husband really isn’t coping it won’t solve anything by you and your child missing out on important family time.

I'd still go, there isn't anything you can do and you are taking the youngest child with you so you are lightening the load for your husband. It's only 5 days besides, I'm sure they can cope just fine without you. It isn't fair on your sister or the younger children to cancel besides.

I would have thought a week with just his dad would have been good for DSS at this point. But I can see that your DH might really want some emotional support to help him support his son. If DH isn't using you to duck out of being there for DSS, then I would probably accept that staying is beneficial to both of them and postpone the trip.

To a child, if he loses his mum, I would say that's pretty much the definition of his world stopping. As a child, your mother dying is pretty much one of the worst things that can happen to you, it's bad enough as an adult, but as a child it could be seriously life changing.

OP wanting a holiday and not to disappoint her sister doesn't really compare. I think OP, it's too soon to make a decision yet, but if do think this could have far reaching impact on your relationship with DH and DSS if you swan off on holiday and the worst happens. Id take a view nearer the time in your shoes.

I think it depends on how unwell ex is?

If she might die then I’m not sure you should go. If she’s stable then I think you probably deserve a break.

I don't think that this is as simple as just staying home because the OP's husband has asked her to. Personally I would be thinking about how supportive the DH is to OP, and his children during normal times. If he's a good husband, and a good Dad to your shared child AND your SS, and never just dumps SS with you, while he goes off and does his hobbies or whatever, then I'd be more inclined to suggest that you should stay home. However, if he's not the best husband in the world, and has more than the occasional failing as a Dad, often leaving more of the parenting to the OP under normal circumstances, then I would say he should step up for his child with his Ex, and the OP should go ahead and have the holiday.

I'm not saying this as a way to spite her husband, because this is obviously a very difficult situation regardless of normal life, but if he's a crap Dad normally, it may well help him and his first child to bond, and become closer. I also think that the OP being there could actually make things difficult between her and her SS, at this time, especially if his DM dies, as the likelihood is that he may well reject the OP completely, if this happens.

My personal thoughts though, leaving out the OP's normal life, is that she should go on the holiday, which presumably she, her sister, and the two little ones have all been looking forward to, as if it's cancelled and her four year old is disappointed, it may well be that they start acting out because they won't understand what is going on, or why they can't go on the airplane, and the last thing the OP's DH and SS will want, or need, is a grizzly little one around the place, making things even worse.

The OP also says that she thinks her DH is worried about dealing with the situation alone if anything changes, but in reality, should anything change and this poor lady dies, the OP can probably leave the 4 year old abroad with her sister, and fly home quickly to be there if she feels it's necessary, although even then, if she were to fly home, there really won't be anything she can do, as her DH's job at that time will be to support his 13 year old, and unless the OP and her SS have a VERY close relationship, there is every chance that he won't want her around, and will only want his Dad anyway. Plus, it won't be DH's job to organise a funeral, etc., so he will be free to focus all his energy on his poor bereaved child.

I cannot believe anyone would suggest you should travel.

Your stepson's and husband's lives could potentially change for ever and they are both going through a traumatic time. On top of this, your DH has asked you to stay and you're question whether you should go or not??!! so you should be offering unconditional support, and your sister would surely understand why you need to cancel.

Your suggestions are full of spite. What a bitter diatribe to write.

I'd go. I think it would do you good to process the situation while being out of it for a while, on the basis that you are then able to come back better equipped to support DH and DSS.

Providing you can afford to get home quickly if the worst happens, I would go framing it as doing them both a favour to give them some space and get the 4 year old out of the way. As an (evil but lovely really) step parent it’s important to prioritize your own needs especially when family life is heavy but outside of your control. You can’t pour from an empty and frustrated cup.

I am a step parent. I would go.

I dislike the way your framed this: this isn't your step son's family crisis. It's your husband's and by extension your's as well. You've been married for 5 years and together for 8, so you've been part of his life since he was 5 years old. Aside from his own mother, you're probably one of the most significant women in this poor child's life.

Yep, and I'm sure the step and DH are having the time of their lives.

This is one of those situations where the decision you make will have a long-term if not permanent effect on your relationship with your DSS and your DH from now on. It'll show your true colours. Can you forego one 5-day holiday in this one, unique and especially awful time to be a background presence for these two people - or are you going to carry on like your life is yours and theirs is theirs?

How could you even enjoy the trip knowing what your DH and your DSS are going through? The boy is spending days at the hospital with his mother in critical condition.

big question. @Gish889 how blended honestly is the family.

How good is the relationship between you and your ss.

Are you the evil step mum or just dads wife or are you second mum.

Everyone’s acting like the lad loves op but forgets the internal drama between children and their step where often they are disliked or hated full stop regardless of if they move mountains or stay hands off.

I still think giving them 1-1 could be good and taking the 4 year old away from the tense house would be good for them as well.

But only you know what your homes normally like with dss feelings and dh’s general ability to cope with alone parenting.