Can someone give me some examples of what struggling with executive functions looks like for an adult with adhd?

[Coldwetlettuce]

Not really an AIBU but would like replies! I understand executive functions to be stuff like driving, doing laundry, having a shower, making the bed. Am I right? People keep telling me I have ADHD and people with adhd struggle with executive functions (I find all this language around it annoying). Anyway, can anyone give examples of how an adult with ADHD would struggle with these ‘executive functions’?

I think having the diagnosis means some people can be prescribed medication which can help. That’s the reason I’d want a diagnosis anyway. It’s more than just being disorganised. I don’t know if I have adhd but the way I live my life is detrimental to me and I’ve wasted so many years procrastinating I don’t want to do it anymore. Here’s an example: I don’t open my letters when they come, I just can’t will myself to do it. Then I open them (if I can find them in various piles around the house) in a short burst of motivation maybe every 3 months. I usually find parking fines that I now owe triple for, a payment deadline I’ve missed and a debt company threatening a CCJ. All this could be avoided if I just opened my letters on time. And I’m not rich, I end up suffering greatly cos of these extra payments. I get so angry with myself, pay it all off then vow to open my letters on time from now on, and i genuinely think I’ll do it every time. Then tomorrow comes and the new letters go straight into a “I’ll do it later” pile and the whole situation repeats. I drive myself insane but I just cannot will myself to do it despite knowing the consequences. I don’t think this is normal behaviour. Is this something you, as a disorganised person would do?

Please can I ask how you retrained your brain to focus better?

My friend has ADHD. An example is I invited her to a party I was planning, she accepted the invitation, saying she’d love to come (I was paying caterers and needed to have an accurate idea of numbers).

Day of party rolls round, I checked in with her to see if she was still coming. She was away on a camping trip and had completely forgotten about having accepted my invitation.

"Wait mode" is a killer. If I have a meeting at 2pm, I have to do nothing until that meeting in case I forget it. So I literally just sit, on MN or playing stupid games, waiting for 2pm. I know it is illogical, but my brain just shrieks 'Stop! Wait! Don't forget!' and my body reacts as if there is a crisis about to occur unless I sit still.

I work with a lot of overseas clients who are all so impressed that I am happy to have meetings at 5-7am, but for me that is bliss. Over and done with, then I can concentrate on the day ahead.

Why don’t you just put a reminder with an alert on your phone?

What I do is I’ll get distracted and end up doing a dozen things at once but crucially … I finish them all! So I will keep going as if driven by a motor sometimes… but I will not leave anything undone because my environment is really important to me and I like everything immaculate.

you’ll just see me half way through unloading the dishwasher, putting a wash on, polishing, batch cooking a berry crumble, putting together a new desk …. But it’ll all be done!

So you can’t really compare people tbh. I do not thrive in a chaotic environment so won’t live in one

I’ve been like this long before smart phones existed! Ever since I learnt to read as a kid. It’s just one example. I have others that interfere with my life far more. I nearly lost the whole booking for our two-week family holiday this year because I didn’t pay the balance on time. I knew when the deadline was and I had the money to pay it in my account but for some reason I kept putting it off and putting it off. I just couldn’t prioritise what would’ve been a 5 minute task, until I suddenly panicked one day about it and realised the deadline had passed. I ended up losing a £200 deposit and having to rebook the whole thing at a higher cost. It’s like if my brain thinks a task will be complicated, boring, or involve something negative (like spending thousands of pounds on a holiday in one go) it pushes it aside and goes ‘nah I’ll do that later’, except later never comes. It’s not about forgetting things with me - I have a highly organised system to remember everything- never ending to do list on my phone, lots of phone calendar reminders with alerts etc. It’s more about extreme procrastination and putting things off to the point it has a serious affect on my life

This isnt ADHD, its being a self absorbed prick.
Because as someone with ADHD, I would put two reminders in my calendar (and also Google Tasks) as soon as you invited me:

• 1 October: RSVP or turn down Piglet
• 17 October: Piglets party tomorrow

In fact most actual ADHD people I know are incredibly organised because they have multiple calendars with multiple micro tasks in there. Eg
1 October: print out all docs
3 October: check no docs missing and put in envelope
4 October: send docs
8 October: email Tom and ask whether he received docs

@cuckoolodger great post

This is a useful thread to me, thank you OP. It's interesting seeing the common themes. And good for all of us to get a bit more insight and hopefully understanding of ADHD.
I so wish I'd known all this when my then-undiagnosed daughter was growing up. It wouldn't have changed the situation but I'd certainly have been kinder to her and helped her find coping strategies.

It's OK. Not rude at all.
That's just one tiny bit of it. It's so hard to explain it all because it's just life. I have grown up with so many coping mechanisms but now peri has hit they don't work as well as they did. Will try a few more examples.
So, I had a 1 -1 lesson at the same time every week for about 2 years. I would set a reminder on my phone and an alarm for 5 mins before I needed to leave the house so had time to grab coat etc. I missed that lesson probably 30% of the time. I would get completely distracted in that 5 minutes and completely forget. Even if I was walking around with my coat on! Would only realise when I would get a message of my tutor later on checking everything was OK. He gave up checking in the end 🤣

Will have a cup of tea, finish it and put the cup on the coffee table. Will repeat in my head over and over again to pick it up and take it to the kitchen next time I get up. You guessed it, I will pick it up and take it in probably 5% of the time. Will just walk right past it. Several times.

I really struggle socially. I'm not a big people person so I really have to almost pretend that I'm "normal" when with people. This doesn't work because no matter how much I bloody try...... I still butt in and finish people's sentences 😭 I just can't stop my brain connecting to my mouth! It's almost as if I am thinking about what I want to say in the conversation but subconsciously I think they are taking too long to finish what they are saying and I need to say my part before I forget. It's a nightmare.

I always knew there was something different about me. Drs years ago put it down to anxiety (which I do have) but it wasn't until my Audhd DC was being assessed that it clicked in my head. My lovely DH sat me down and asked if I had noticed anything, he had noticed too. I "ticked more boxes" than DC did. An entire 40 years of behaviour (including some very risky behaviour) kind off all made sense. So, I ended up diagnosed in my early 40s.

I'm in a much better place now mentally. Still a pain in the ass to live and work with but I have a better understanding of my own head now.

I have so many alarms on my phone that I now have alarm-fatigue. I have 4 to get me up, one on a Friday to remind me to do a regular task - that finished months ago but the alarm goes off anyway. I've set one for Thursday to remind me to go to a hairdressing appointment. It's this week, but the alarm was set when I booked the appointment so this will be it's third week. I name them sometimes. I have one called 'potatoes' and I have no idea what that was for originally.

I have one at 2pm as a time check for my afternoon tasks. That was set when my children were at primary school so I'd know to ready my day for picking them up. My youngest DD is taking her GCSEs in this school year.

I now ignore most of them, and sometimes that's a new one I need to pay attention to.

(I tried using the calendar once. It was a disaster and I missed many things. I now have a poorly maintained and never looked at physical diary)

I really recommend people check out Google Tasks rather than calendars

I agree. As much as I forget things all the time, I couldn’t imagine doing that to a friend. I put things in my phone, have a wall calendar and also a weekly one stuck on the fridge so I can’t miss things like this.

The Microsoft to do app is amazing too on my work laptop.

Agreed. I don’t lose things like house keys and I don’t forget things cos I have well-established systems for them. I have a bowl for my keys that I always put them in and I diligently put absolutely everything in my calendar with at least one alert. However, take me out of that comfort zone and I’m a disaster. I will be THAT person who you go to a concert/theatre show/gig with that buys a ticket at the kiosk then has lost it by the time they get to the entrance where you have to show it. I once lost my passport on the very first day of a round the world trip after I left it in on top of the toilet roll holder in a toilet cubicle in the airport arrivals. Everyone does something stupid like this occasionally but I think people with adhd do things like this regularly. That’s the difference

I can't drive. I took lessons when I was 21. After a while, my instructor said I should try taking lessons in an automatic as I struggled so much in a manual. I just couldn't master working pedals, gears, brakes, looking in mirrors etc at the same time, especially when going round roundabouts. Apparently he first suggested it in an attempt to get me to try harder, but after a few more lessons where I would get so overwhelmed and just get out of the car, he said he really meant it now.

I had a few lessons in an automatic, but it all ended when I wasn't paying attention and crashed into the kerb, puncturing two of the tyres.

I never took lessons again after that. I didn't think it was safe for me to drive, and I had no confidence anymore anway. And I've recently been diagnosed with sleep apnoea, so i am clearly destined to be a pedestrian forever.

I do that but still feel paralysed the entire day waiting.

Those who can't manage to drive, it is obvious you have real cognitive issues that have a big impact on you.

Those that interrupt all the time. The point of a conversation is not for you to say whatever is in your head. Everyone forgets what they were going to say when listening. The point is to listen to the other person. Then talk. It's two way. Not me, me, me.

My dp doesn’t have an official diagnosis as he doesn’t want to go private and he’s been on an nhs wait list for ages but it’s been heavily suggested by both a psychiatrist and his gp that he does.
these are some things he struggles with:
-Works abroad and missed 2 flights home in a row at great expense. It’s NOT because he doesn’t care and he gets very anxious travelling now in case he fucks it up.
-Left a work laptop on a train abroad
-Struggles to be on time for anything really - seems to think he has plenty of time but next thing he knows he’s late
-Thinking ahead into the future inc. financial planning
-Sorting things out I.e buying a new vehicle without getting rid of the old one, then paying insurance and tax on both for 8 months
-Being in social situations where people talk over the top of eachother or interrupt
-Meal planning or remembering to eat (just mainly uses huel now then I cook us a meal in the evening)
-Also had to change his job as it involved a large amount of project mgt and almost had a breakdown as a result (hence psychiatrist appt and them immediately asking if he had an adhd diagnosis)

I’m making him sound a bit useless, he’s very good at lots of things and generally ok once in a regular routine with everything on a calendar

As soon as I feel I have to do something I do anything but. Took 4.5 years to do PhD but if I’d worked 9-5 on it Monday-Friday I’d have had it done in a year, 18 months tops. Many weeks I spent a C maximum of one hour actually working on it. Revision for school exams saw me reading recipe books and my parents old cartoons rather than my notes.

I’m supposed to take medicine daily. Can do for ages then forget. Often takes at least a week or so after I’ve run out to get the next one.

DD’s school had a new 20 zone on the road for about 100m. I would park in the carpark which was accessed between these signs. Took me about 2 months to remember, when leaving the car park, that it was now 20. I would chant to myself on the way back to the car that it was 20 but would forget by the time I got to the road. I would get up to 25 then remember.

I’m off work so meant to be tidying the house. I’ve sorted lots out but there is still stuff on the floor. Less than there was but I can’t do it.

For me it looks like:

“It’s September - who do I know with a birthday in September? XX on the 12th”

Every day of September - “is it 12th today? No still got xx days, remember in xx days to write and send that card to XX”

“is it 12th today? No still got a week, remember to buy that card for XX”

“is it 12th today? No still got 6 days, remember to write that card to XX”

“is it 12th today? No still got 5 days, remember to buy a stamp for that card to XX”

“is it 12th today? No still got 4 days, remember to post that card to XX”

Looks at addressed card sitting on the side.

“is it 12th today? No it’s the 16th, fuck I forgot to send that card to XX”

And it’s the same for appointments, paperwork etc all accompanied by “shit I left the laundry in the machine again, what’s that going off in the fridge, bollocks I ran out of medication, have I missed an order for a customer, did I forget to take my medication?, I need to buy xx, all day long with a background track of the bridge to some song over and over and over.

And yes, I’ve tried setting alarms and using a planner! Every ADHDer has. The number of planners that I’ve started with beautifully numbered pages, headings etc that are completely blank after the first 3 pages.

And alarms, I’ll snooze, dismiss, set at PM instead of AM, have on silent.

Living is exhausting

And I try to anchor my habits eg putting my medication next to the coffee machine as I will have coffee first thing every morning.

Except if I run out of coffee beans or milk, so no meds.

I stay away from home, so no meds.

I have an early appointment and don’t have time for coffee so no meds.

I have a lie in and have brunch at the same time as coffee so I’m distracted with cooking, so no meds.

it’s better than no system. But it’s not foolproof by a long way.

That's the voice of an ND person who just can't imagine what it's like to have ADHD. We all know the correct social behaviours, but our impulsiveness can over ride this. I get over excitable, talk loudly & yes, I interrupt. My boss just couldn't understand why I couldn't self regulate, and it took me forever to get her to understand you can't self regulate something you don't realise you are doing! If anything, the more interested in what someone is talking to you about the more likely it will be for you to interrupt, as you're so involved in the subject you just can't stop yourself saying what comes into your mind when it drops in there.

I was very late diagnosed, I was 60. Apart from the medication, which really helps, I think the biggest thing for me was the knowledge that I wasn't thick, I wasn't naturally lazy and I wasn't mad - there was a real biological reason for certain behaviours. I cope pretty well with many things as I put things in place very early on in my working life, helped with working in the project management sphere so scheduling, planning and lists were a critical part of that. I was doing pretty well for myself, but eventually it all just got too much & I broke. With hindsight, I was probably peri menopausal when it got to that stage which could explain a lot.

I also had some health issues, and many people don't realise just how exhausting having ADHD can be. You add on to that chronic pain (also exhausting) and you just run out of physical and mental energy. I had 2 major breakdowns in the space of 4 years, and there's been a couple of times I've come close & realised I was on the brink just in time to back off & recover.

I drive and I love driving, I think the fact that at least part of my brain is having to deal with all the little things going on helps to sort of channel some of the multiple directions it wants to go in so I can focus on the remaining few things I need to be aware of consciously rather than the things my subconscious can deal with.

I think the 2 most important things NT people need to bear in mind about ND people is that a) everyone presents differently, so you can't assume that because person A acts in a certain way then person B with the same diversity will act the same, and b) many of the behaviours are the kind of thing everyone does occasionally, but with an ADHD person they can be constant and run your life.

It's hard to present a complete picture of a very complex set of issues, but here are some of the ways it manifests for me

• I find it incredibly difficult to keep track of my belongings. Things like my keys, phone, work pass, handbag etc. I have created designated places for these things to go (like a hook near my front door for keys), but I never remember in the moment to put things in their designated places, and then I don't think about them again until the point where I next need them and I then need to look for them.
• I have absolute blindness to tasks unless they're the specific thing I am doing in that moment. For example, I will walk past a dirty cup on the hall table ten times without taking it to the kitchen with me and popping it in the dishwasher. It will sit there until I am specifically tidying up, at which point I will deal with it. Unless I am tidying up it's like I have a mental block about doing anything about it.
• I cannot start work without a looming deadline. I will procrastinate past the point of normal stress, until the pressure is overwhelming and I am beginning to panic. No matter how many times I steel myself to start before that point, I won't be able to make myself.
• I simply cannot remember any kind of plans or arrangements without diary reminders, no matter how important they are to me or how recently they were made.
• I have time blindness, as in absolutely no sense of how much time has passed while I am doing something. I have to set multiple alarms for various times in the morning so that I know that I need to be in the shower, dressed, time to leave etc.
• If I have an appointment in the afternoon, I can't get anything else done while I'm waiting for that thing.
• I can't form habits. Things like brushing my teeth aren't automatic, they're things I need reminders for.
• I forget things instantly - my husband will ask me to bring something with me when I come downstairs, I will agree, and then thirty seconds later I will go downstairs having forgotten.

There are probably countless other things I'm forgetting.

It's worth remembering that everyone has issues with executive function sometimes, we aren't robots. Misplacing your keys or forgetting a birthday now and then are normal human errors. The differentiating factor that helps to diagnose something like ADHD is the extent of the impact on your life. If these issues have a sustained, negative impact on your life and affect every aspect of it (home, work, social etc) it's more indicative of ADHD than if these are simply occasional issues that frustrate you now and then.