AIBU to think my MIL is rattled by my opinion of her?

[AvocadoRules]

So, my MIL has always been awful to me, and to other people too. A few years ago I pulled her up on her behaviour and after the denials and gaslighting she got upset and said "she thinks we are horrible people". I didn't say that directly to her, but whatever I said insinuated that they (in-laws) are not nice people to be around. Well, it was the truth, they are not. My MIL is a narcissist. She ticks every one of the boxes.

Anyway, since then she toned it down a bit, but it didn't last long. However, one thing she does do is go out of her way to tell me what a nice person she is, and lots of virtue signalling. Last year she was telling me about something nice her DD did (I don't believe it as her DD is a chip off the old block and the most self absorbed and entitled person I have ever met) and I said "really?" and she got upset saying "yes, she is a nice person you know" and got all flustered.

More recently I was with them, and someone also present asked her to impart some wisdom to which she replied something very close to "I've come to realise that if someone has an opinion of you, that is not correct, then there is nothing you can do about that, you know yourself, and you know you are a good person and that is all that matters. It doesn't matter what they think". I think she is angry at me for seeing her true colours.

AIBU to realise that after all the years of my MIL being an absolute cow to me, I have got to her? I have hit a nerve?

I could carry on just ignoring her, living my best life, which I have been doing, which really annoys her. She hates to see me thriving.

Or.....I could have fun with this, but I don't know how.

How could I have fun with this?

Good for you! It's hard to be endlessly polite to people who aren't nice.

But she'll never change, so try to rise above it, Limit contact, if you can. It's hard if it's someone you have to see often. Take care of yourself 💐

OP doesn't mention having a kid?

I'm posting this once and then blocking this thread because I don't need to get into a discussion about this, neither do I need validation.

The misogyny and ageism on mumsnet is horrendous. Women trying to take other women down. The reason women have a small semblance of equality and equal opportunity is because women over 60 fought for it, on picket lines, in legal fights in courtroom, and with trade unions, and on marches. It cost some women their jobs but they were resilient. To hear women accusing other women of narcissistic behaviour because they don't agree with you, or have different standards of behaviour is awful. To deliberately set out to hurt another woman for any reason is just horrible.

Why not just accept we all have different standards, we believe in different things, we have different coloured skin, different religions, different politics, different views and that's because the societies we were brought up in were different, our parent(s) were different, our parents/societies have different values. We don't have to agree with one another and debate can be healthy but calling another woman a narcissist or bitching about their appearance is awful.

Some of the things I'm reading on here are thoroughly shameful. Get a grip women . . .

I know you said you're taking your ball and going home but this bit did make me laugh...

"Why not just accept we all have different standards, we believe in different things"

But then...

"Some of the things I'm reading on here are thoroughly shameful. Get a grip women . . ."

🤣🤣🤣

You sound pretty awful

You may have got to her but she’s very much got to you or you wouldn’t be asking g the question. What you want to get to is apathy where she just doesn’t feature in your thoughts from one day to the next. Not to be seeking a dopamine hit by irking her more. I know why you want to of course but a peaceful life is a lot better.

I believe you OP, I had a MIL like that. A deeply unpleasant woman. I won't go into details but my DH's sibling moved hundreds of miles away and went very low contact due to MIL's behaviour. DH could barely tolerate her.

I ended up telling her what I thought of her years ago and cut contact completely. We still lived locally and my DH would visited occasionally but would get up and leave when she started her nonsense so she reigned it in a bit.

I'd have enjoyed seem my MIL rattled by my presence too but you've said your piece, just move on and live your best life.

It's one of those ones where I do really wish we could hear the other side.

It sounds like MIL is trying to change your opinion of her and her daughter (as you have clearly made no secret of your utter dislike and contempt for them).

Don’t ‘have fun with it’ unless you want to ramp up the drama (which I’m guessing you do). You are clearly glad about your FIL. I don’t know if it’s intentional but you sound quite gleefully spiteful.

Can you not just tolerate them? If not, then don’t see them. I can bet that your MIL isn’t the only one at fault here.

I wouldn't "have fun" with this, That kind of fun has a habit of coming back and biting you in the arse

You're in the exact same position as my husband and I. We have gone NC with MIL and SIL. When we blocked them and they couldn't get to us, they started messaging vile things to our young children, instead (tween and teens). The children then decided to block them because they were extremely upset.

I don't know what it is with this generation of MIL's, but they are utterly vile (other than a lovely few who are a blessing in disguise!). You will find that generation of MIL's are the ones most likely to jump on your back, in this thread, because they are projecting their guilty self consciousness. They won't admit this, because a narcissist will always be the victim.

I met the last bout of narcissism and gaslighting, with a healthy dose of silence. It was a long list of horrid things since my husband was a child and this was the final straw with his mother. When she came for me, his wife&children - He finally snapped and stuck it to her and his sister.

Silence really is the best response, because if you give up your peace for them then they've won. Carry on living a happy life and let her get on with whatever unhinged nonsense is going through her head. She's clearly jealous, bitter, and unhappy in her life. It's likely her husband will leave her - You could get him on your side, but seems like he already is.

Let her shoot herself in her foot. If she's constantly looking for validation that she's a 'naice person' and constantly needing to reinforce it with herself, it's because deep down she knows she isn't. You have hit a nerve in the best way.

Those who fall from grace need no help.

Carry on living a fab life and watch her head do a 360.

If they go low, you go high. You've made your point, maintain whatever distance you can and get on with your life. Why would you want to keep poking at her.

If you want to indulge in a bit of power play to prove to yourself you are the most important person in the world, knock yourself out.

But no-one else needs to agree with you.

Really?
id say I’m a nice person. Certainly my dh thinks I’m nice enough to have spent the last 26 years living with me.

Yet my parents are crap. Emotionally immature and left me with cptsd.

Do you REALLY think that if someone turns out ok it’s because their parents are nice people? 😂😂

"Look Majorie, you don't need to justify yourself to me. When you lie in bed at night and think about your day, only you know if you've been a kind, decent person. If you say you are a good person, who am I to say otherwise....."

As the daughter of the kind of woman you are describing, when she starts with the self-praise about what a do-gooder she is, the best thing you can do is show no reaction. My (cruel, evil, malignant narc) mother used to go so far as to bring thank you cards she received from people to my house for me to read while she sat there and nodded her head, all as one more attempt to show how she is a good person and other people think so, etc. It was bizarre. She started doing charity stuff for elderly people to virtue signal to the community, but then she would do nothing but talk TERRIBLY about the people she was helping behind their backs to me, etc. Anyway, I get what you are describing. She wants a reaction. Give her NONE. Just a neutral face, nothing else.

Actually you don’t sound like a very nice person. Treat people how you would want them to treat you and you might fair a bit better. Two wrong don’t make a right. Oh and grow up

I think you are lacking of self-awareness 😂
Get on with "living your best life" (how that differs from just living your life, I do not know 😆)

Treat people how you would want them to treat you and you might fair a bit better.

Not about the OP as such but I disagree.
Unfortunately, some people take being treated with kindness as a weakness and then use it at their advantage.
Some people only understand when people show to be ‘stronger’ than them and put them right in their place. Even by any standard this is rude/not very nice.
My father is one of those men. Controlling and only showing respect to those above him/stronger than him.

The misogyny and ageism on mumsnet is horrendous. Women trying to take other women down. The reason women have a small semblance of equality and equal opportunity is because women over 60 fought for it, on picket lines, in legal fights in courtroom, and with trade unions, and on marches. It cost some women their jobs but they were resilient. To hear women accusing other women of narcissistic behaviour because they don't agree with you, or have different standards of behaviour is awful. To deliberately set out to hurt another woman for any reason is just horrible.

100%

It's a power play. Younger women "decide" that older women are no longer needed (unless for childcare).

What would Dolly do?

I love these posts where it all goes off the rails when the OP gets the opposite reaction from what they are expecting! Carry on.

Which one is the narcissist again?

I don't think there is the slightest danger of OP being changed. This is what she's like.

Or.....I could have fun with this, but I don't know how.

We have very different ideas of fun 😐