AIBU to think my MIL is rattled by my opinion of her?

[AvocadoRules]

So, my MIL has always been awful to me, and to other people too. A few years ago I pulled her up on her behaviour and after the denials and gaslighting she got upset and said "she thinks we are horrible people". I didn't say that directly to her, but whatever I said insinuated that they (in-laws) are not nice people to be around. Well, it was the truth, they are not. My MIL is a narcissist. She ticks every one of the boxes.

Anyway, since then she toned it down a bit, but it didn't last long. However, one thing she does do is go out of her way to tell me what a nice person she is, and lots of virtue signalling. Last year she was telling me about something nice her DD did (I don't believe it as her DD is a chip off the old block and the most self absorbed and entitled person I have ever met) and I said "really?" and she got upset saying "yes, she is a nice person you know" and got all flustered.

More recently I was with them, and someone also present asked her to impart some wisdom to which she replied something very close to "I've come to realise that if someone has an opinion of you, that is not correct, then there is nothing you can do about that, you know yourself, and you know you are a good person and that is all that matters. It doesn't matter what they think". I think she is angry at me for seeing her true colours.

AIBU to realise that after all the years of my MIL being an absolute cow to me, I have got to her? I have hit a nerve?

I could carry on just ignoring her, living my best life, which I have been doing, which really annoys her. She hates to see me thriving.

Or.....I could have fun with this, but I don't know how.

How could I have fun with this?

I think the very fact that my FIL is now saying he just can’t cope with her now due to her nastiness is quite telling now.

?!? A minute ago you said

I said insinuated that they (in-laws) are not nice people to be around. Well, it was the truth, they are not.

and now the FIL is confiding in you - who obviously doesn't like either of them - about his private feelings about his wife???

This sounds very odd. Why would someone you don't like, think is not nice to be around and presumably avoid now be confiding something to you normally reserved for a very very close friend or kept to yourself?

You "pulled her up on it"? She's an adult woman, not a child needing a telling off about their dinner table manners.

It makes you sound smug and superior, and she may indeed not be very nice, but your vainglorious boasting about it means you don't come out of it smelling of roses either.

Bingo cards…
”I’m a nice person, you know”… tick
“Unnecessary story about somebody doing something horrific to compare self to favourably”…. Tick
”Lying about something nice she did and expecting people to buy it”…. Tick
”Playing the victim”…: Tick
”Blaming others”…: tick
”Erroneous but hurtful comparisons between other family members”…. Tick
”One Upmanship”… tick
”Stealing someone else’s story and making herself the hero”..,tick
”Playing people off against each other”…. Tick
”Being nasty to or about customer service member”…, tick
“It’s not fair”… tick
”Snide comments”… tick
”Stories about people you don’t know who are so, so kind and generous to their mother in law”….. tick
”Unsolicited advice - with a barb”..: tick
”Seeking backup from other victims”…: tick

I think I must either be very tolerant or we must have been very lucky with in laws in my family!

Honestly, living well is the best option here, it’ll wind her up more than anything else you can do.

You are coming across as a judgemental and unpleasant person. Being an amateur psychologist is not an excuse.

I feel sorry for your MIL.

I wholeheartedly agree with you! I had a DIL who said some horrible things about me, and told lies to put me in a bad light.

I couldn’t understand why anyone would do this - there was no ‘competition’, but your comment about needing to be top dog hits the nail on the head.

Fortunately, they divorced, and I now have a fabulous DIL, who is normal.

These silly women would do well to realise they may be someone’s MIL in the future, and they would be horrified to be treated the way they treated the previous generation.

Ha ha ha…

my MIL treated my DH appallingly

to the point that he hasn’t seen her in years, he’s suffered so much PTSD from her treatment of him as a kid.

she lives in dalulu land,

my H GP raised him. His DM was an appalling parent to him, and in fact to his siblings, but she damaged them in a different way, they’re a mess.

I understand exactly where you're coming from and I'm sure I would feel the same. However, this is probably the equivalent of those situations where you would advise someone to write an letter setting our their grivances and then not send it! So, on that basis, my advice is to sit back, watch and enjoy her discomfort bacause this is one of those very rate situations where the biter got bit!

Amazing that such horrible people managed to produce a man you love enough to spend your life with.

I'd like to hear your MIL's side of the story

You’ve said your piece, why do you want to have fun with it? That just sounds mean. What’s the point in being as awful as she apparently is?

I think you're just normal and well-adjusted.

“Or.....I could have fun with this, but I don't know how.”

are you sure it’s her who’s the nasty one?

Agreed.

Why not just rise above it and get in with your life . X

So you are looking for suggestions to have fun in making your MIL's life miserable? If your MIL is as you say she is this is not the way to address it.

If your MIL has little self awareness so too do you OP. Would suggest reading the responses again

I'm now just waiting for the deletion message as this isn't going the OP's way!

Or.....I could have fun with this, but I don't know how.
How could I have fun with this?

She may be awful but surely you understand that it's better to be the bigger person.

You could have fun with this?

I think this is the thing about nasty people, it spreads and we can become nasty ourselves.

As the saying goes, don’t wrestle a pig, you both get dirty and the pig likes it.

I find that if you’re a nice person you generally don’t have go round telling people you are.

You're sounding like a petulant child stomping their feet and flouncing off because things aren't going your way.

Who knows? You may be right. Your MIL may be utterly awful but based on what you've shared, no one can be sure as there really isn't much to go on.

What we can say is asking how 'to have fun' with making someone uncomfortable definitely sounds mean-spirited and like bullying. We certainly have more evidence of you not being a nice person vs your MIL.

Right? that comment about the MILs daughter was really unnecessary and makes me think OP is the actual asshole in this situation .......

The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. And nothing ticks off narcissists more than people who are indifferent to them.

Try to be indifferent to her, for real. If you can't, fake it til you make it. Don't waste thought or energy on her.

I'm sure it did, temporarily. But it's not going to do her or you any favours in the longer term. It's only human, if you've felt someone's disapproval for years, to be pleased when they feel the consequences of that in reverse. But that kind of gratification won't last. It will become exhausting and then sap you of positivity, like that old analogy of drinking poison and hoping the other person gets sick.

You don't like her. You don't say why, but it may be that you have good justification. In that case, you're better off being outwardly civil to her and staying out of her way. Hell, avoid her entirely if she's that bad. But tit for tat games are not going to end well, so let her get on with it.

A phrase I find helpful is 'what other people think of me is none of my business'.

Narcissist is one of the most over used insults. Can you not just try and get on with her

Just stay out of each other’s way. You sound pretty horrible to be honest, with the “I could have fun with this” remark. It must be awful for your husband with you two sniping about each other all the time.