AIBU to think my MIL is rattled by my opinion of her?

[AvocadoRules]

So, my MIL has always been awful to me, and to other people too. A few years ago I pulled her up on her behaviour and after the denials and gaslighting she got upset and said "she thinks we are horrible people". I didn't say that directly to her, but whatever I said insinuated that they (in-laws) are not nice people to be around. Well, it was the truth, they are not. My MIL is a narcissist. She ticks every one of the boxes.

Anyway, since then she toned it down a bit, but it didn't last long. However, one thing she does do is go out of her way to tell me what a nice person she is, and lots of virtue signalling. Last year she was telling me about something nice her DD did (I don't believe it as her DD is a chip off the old block and the most self absorbed and entitled person I have ever met) and I said "really?" and she got upset saying "yes, she is a nice person you know" and got all flustered.

More recently I was with them, and someone also present asked her to impart some wisdom to which she replied something very close to "I've come to realise that if someone has an opinion of you, that is not correct, then there is nothing you can do about that, you know yourself, and you know you are a good person and that is all that matters. It doesn't matter what they think". I think she is angry at me for seeing her true colours.

AIBU to realise that after all the years of my MIL being an absolute cow to me, I have got to her? I have hit a nerve?

I could carry on just ignoring her, living my best life, which I have been doing, which really annoys her. She hates to see me thriving.

Or.....I could have fun with this, but I don't know how.

How could I have fun with this?

Are you sure you are a nice person?

You really don’t sound pleasant OP. And based on things you’ve said, I suspect your MiL’s behaviour is based on yours too.

Im ignoring the pile on and coming back to you on your original post.

Your MIL does not think shes a bad person, in fact shes thinks shes lovely. grey rock her and don't make anymore comments or remarks. Its not your job to show her. Maintain your boundaries and best of luck X

If you're adult enough to have a child and be married, then surely you are mature enough to realise that you are behaving like a child.
It's an uncomfortable read from you.
Glee...
Playing games... Yada yada.

I'm a MIL, although I'm not as my son and his ex split up soon after baby born. It was a happy accident
4 years on, I love my not DIL, I love my granddaughter. We've had words, usually regarding my son. There have been periods of no contact. Purely through anger and being a new young Mum.
We text weekly now, we've agreed not to mention my son. We share days out and just... Get on...

You @AvocadoRules have nothing to work on and nothing to moan about because you are too immature to appreciate what you have.

Carry on with your childish nurr nurr at Mil. It's your child that loses out.

Take a deep breath

You are in danger of letting her behaviour change you

I'll assume she has been bloody awful and you had reached the end of your tether when you spoke up. But now? You might be starting to revel in her discomfort

Take a step back from that edge. You don't have to apologise or placate her but you do have to take time to look at your own thoughts and feelings... are you now being as unpleasant as you think she is?

You dont have to do anything.
Shes doing it to herself at this point.
Just let that continue.

I am very sorry but the fact you are even considering to 'have fun with this' shows your true colours and maybe your husband has married someone similar to his mother. Your 'really' in relation to her comments about this sister is just another example of if you really wanted to avoid angst and drama you would not stoke the fire.

I doubt OP is lying as narcissistic people are a nightmare, but she has made the mistake of not giving examples of the actual behaviours towards her and her DH, in her initial post, and then basically gone straight on to ask for ideas of revenge to get to her MIL. So the empathy OP was expecting didnt materialise when PPS saw the revenge part

You sound really unpleasant OP, you don't seem to like your MIL at all! Talking about "having fun" like this is horrible. Just try to get on and be civil to her - your DC will benefit from a good relationship with their grandparents.

She’s nasty but you want to “have fun with her” now you’ve got her rattled.
You know how they say men often marry women like their mothers…,

You don't sound very nice to be honest !

I am sure your MIL is a right bastard, but suspect you’ve become a bit emotionally dysfunctional with her- in that you actively hate her but she still has a hold on you which means you can’t let go. I think it’s quite common and I was the same with my ex MIL who was just awful, but I spent far too much time trying to prove how awful she was because we were stuck in this weird dance together. Also, she really brought out the worst in me so I can relate to you being a bit of an arsehole too.

you’ll be able to let go when you’re ready. Or she’ll die first

You’re asking people how you can have fun with this?
Hmm, I’d like to hear your MIL’s version of events

MN seems to have accepted 'but you don't like her' as somehow a damning indictment of a person. Not liking someone is allowed. In-laws don't always like their children's partners and the same is true in reverse. That's fine. It's life.

In these circumstances people owe each other the very basics of civility and courtesy. Anything more than that is a bonus and if the reverse is true, a cordial yet distanced relationship is absolutely fine.

Problems start to arise when one or both sides can't respect this. Just be polite, and as far as possible stay out of each other's way.

They say men often marry their mothers. Posts like yours do seem to prove it true. If she's half as bad as you say, you sound like two peas in a pod.

Have fun with what? She’s your husband’s mother. All that is needed is for you to treat her with respect.

Why spend so much time with her?

In my case, it's because she just isn't very nice to me. Possibly she struggles with the mother/son and husband/wife thing, I'm not sure.

There's no power play. My husband sees her. My children see her. I think those relationships are very important so I encourage and facilitate as much as I need to. She's not a fan of mine and so I see her a couple of times a year.

@AvocadoRules
Friend of mine had the same problem
And MIL rallied around those taken in and was difficult to friend and her partner who'd always been seen as the loser within the family circle because he's really kind and thoughtful too
When friend had children she called MIL out
After being told she should've had a strong boy first not a weak girl and after ensuing argument
Never set foot/visited ever again
But ironically FIL died
And partners siblings didn't want MIL living with them and with her health not good needed transport for various hospital visits etc
So has reached out to friend now a SAHM
who refused her
And reminded her of the past
And you know what?
MIL stood there and tore into her yet again,
So I say to @AvocadoRules
She will always hate you and yours
Keep your distance
But always be aware
She won't ever change as
You're smarter than she'd like

She's not worth your energy.

But I think you're right that she's rattled. Every non-narcissist likes to think of themselves as a good person. Nobody thinks that they themselves are horrible.They tell themselves that anything less than saintly behaviour on their part is necessary, because

1. that person needs to be told that they're just plain wrong or they'll keep being wrong
2. I have standards to maintain, they need to raise their standards
3. I'm tired
4. I'm in a hurry I have more important things to think about than you
5. They were rude to me
6. They need to listen to me and my needs if they're going to do their job properly

and so many other reasons why they are a good person dealing with difficult circumstances. Very Hyacinth Bucket, in a way.

So when someone gets through their armour of self-righteousness - as you clearly managed a few years back, it does shake them a bit. And no doubt has made her hate you with a passion, something she will never admit even to herself (because she's a good person, yadda yadda yadda).

I think I'd be perfectly happy watching her tie herself in knots self-justifying.

There is a saying “ holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die “
You obviously don’t like you mil / sil so just live your life and don’t give them any headspace

you sound like you might prove the old “men marry their mothers” theory true

I hate it when people say this as it suggests that the children of absusers are inherently unloveable.

Even if your parents are shit, you can still be a good person who deserves love and happiness in their lives.

By ‘having fun’ goading and poking your mil, you’re being no better than her, and your own behaviour of thinking to do this is also linked to narcissism. Have you not got other stuff in your life you can focus on and put energy into? I have a narcissistic mother and I learnt how to deal with by just grey rocking and not reacting. I just live my best life with low contact with my dm, and definitely wouldn’t use any headspace trying to wind her up. You’re over invested. Get yourself a hobby.

No thought for your husband in this then? Just yourself? You sound horrible OP.