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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think my MIL is rattled by my opinion of her?

144 replies

AvocadoRules · 31/08/2026 12:32

So, my MIL has always been awful to me, and to other people too. A few years ago I pulled her up on her behaviour and after the denials and gaslighting she got upset and said "she thinks we are horrible people". I didn't say that directly to her, but whatever I said insinuated that they (in-laws) are not nice people to be around. Well, it was the truth, they are not. My MIL is a narcissist. She ticks every one of the boxes.

Anyway, since then she toned it down a bit, but it didn't last long. However, one thing she does do is go out of her way to tell me what a nice person she is, and lots of virtue signalling. Last year she was telling me about something nice her DD did (I don't believe it as her DD is a chip off the old block and the most self absorbed and entitled person I have ever met) and I said "really?" and she got upset saying "yes, she is a nice person you know" and got all flustered.

More recently I was with them, and someone also present asked her to impart some wisdom to which she replied something very close to "I've come to realise that if someone has an opinion of you, that is not correct, then there is nothing you can do about that, you know yourself, and you know you are a good person and that is all that matters. It doesn't matter what they think". I think she is angry at me for seeing her true colours.

AIBU to realise that after all the years of my MIL being an absolute cow to me, I have got to her? I have hit a nerve?

I could carry on just ignoring her, living my best life, which I have been doing, which really annoys her. She hates to see me thriving.

Or.....I could have fun with this, but I don't know how.

How could I have fun with this?

OP posts:

NegativeFreak · 31/08/2026 12:55

You sound like one of those people who try to make themselves look better by trying to make other people look bad.

Ella31 · 31/08/2026 12:55

Tbh, you said your piece already. You have gotten under her skin. Do you really have to twist the knife now or could you rise above it and just get on with your life. There's making a point and going too far. You are at that crossroad now.

RosasDanceRosas · 31/08/2026 12:56

Just leave her alone, and live your life. You don't like her, she doesn't like you -- there seems no reason to stress about this. I mean, my MIL isn't crazy about me, but I'm quite fond of her in the abstract, in that I understand the pressures in her childhood that led to her becoming the tactless and unimaginative person she grew up into. Her circumstances (eldest daughter of thirteen kinds, philandering father, dirt poor, raised to cook and clean for and defer to her brothers) didn't allow for her to be otherwise.

She's only in your life because of who you married, and if you love her son, presumably tormenting his mother isn't high on your list of priorities?

YabbaDabbaDooooo · 31/08/2026 12:57

The OP either won't come back because the answers didn't go her way.

Or she will, but with a story about how her MIL drowned a bag of kittens in the local canal.

askmehwIkw · 31/08/2026 12:57

You say

>>>>"yes, she is a nice person you know" and got all flustered.
>>>>More recently I was with them, and someone also present asked her to impart some wisdom to which she replied something very close to "I've come to realise that if someone has an opinion of you, that is not correct, then there is nothing you can do about that, you know yourself, and you know you are a good person and that is all that matters. It doesn't matter what they think". I think she is angry at me for seeing her true colours.

but then claim

My MIL is a narcissist. She ticks every one of the boxes.tl

Both of these cannot be true.

I know about narcissistic personality disorder. A narcissist has a grandiose rock solid belief in their godlike status. They would never get 'flustered' by a comment about their child or be 'rattled' by someone who didn't like them. Their response is to immediately dismiss any response that challenges their worldview of their perfect status by devaluing or dismissing the source to minimise the criticism in their mind. Cf Donald Trump as a working example "fake news" "piggy" "rude terrible person" "dumb as a rock" "didn't have the mental capacity needed". Narcissists don't get flustered because they devalue the source as stupid.

Her response which is. in other words, I know I'm a good person so I shouldn't get hung up on what people who don't like me think, is a much more 'normal' non-narcisst response. She is trying to reassure herself by repeating out loud that we should ignore criticism and quell those internal voices that have a tendency to latch on to them by focusing on what we think about ourselves

So it is far more likely that you have a hostile attitude to your MIL which she is trying to navigate rather than she is a narcissist. You are projecting narcissism on to her which her behaviour doesn't support. She may not like you too. If this has been the case for years and years, it is not likely (narcissist or not) that she is 'rattled' by you because people tend not care what people they dislike and they know dislike think. She said as much to you 'doesn't matter what they think"

The situation here is that if you are being rude to her, rather than being rattled or flustered, she will just be adding it to her list of reasons why she doesn't like you and seems with some justificiation!!!

Nightnova · 31/08/2026 13:00

I doubt she's a narcissist. It's funny how many people on MN diagnose their MILs as a narcissist.

Anyway I think the problem is you.

PinkyFlamingo · 31/08/2026 13:00

What does your DH think?

arethereanyleftatall · 31/08/2026 13:03

Op. Maybe there’s more to it, loads of examples of where she has been nasty, but you haven’t given any! Going on only what you have written, you have essentially asked if it would be funny to be deliberately nasty and spiteful to someone?!? You have managed to get across that it is you who is unpleasant, not her. I’m assuming either a reverse, or because you know all the examples of her previous narcissistic behaviour, you forgot that we weren’t aware of them!

WhatNoRaisins · 31/08/2026 13:04

Not all nasty people are narcissists.

For what it's worth I have met some people who behave in a mean and spiteful way and yet got very upset if anyone retaliated and called them a nasty name after being on the receiving end of their behaviour. I don't know if they are oblivious or playing down their meanness in their heads. People like how the OP describes her MIL do exist but it's anyone's guess what this woman is really like from a one sided forum post.

wildnwilde · 31/08/2026 13:05

Hmmmm this post does not reflect well on you op

TheJoyousHiker · 31/08/2026 13:05

Well your MIL’s words of wisdom were very wise. You don’t sound particularly nice, you don’t like your MIL so why not just avoid contact with her.

Asking how you could have fun with knowing she knows you don’t like her is coming across as bullying behaviour.

askmehwIkw · 31/08/2026 13:07

I dont get why so many women on here hate their mother in laws. I wondering if its to do with power play

@Greenmouldycheese I think it many cases (not all obviously) it is because the wife is insecure and can't accept that mother/son love is different from and can sit happily next to husband/wife love. An insecure wife needs to reassure herself she is top dog and so will put the husband deliberately into positions of difficulty to flex that she is in pole position which causes strain and dislike all round. Mothers day is very revealling - tantrums about him being ONLY with the wife and NEVER spending time with his mother. LOL.

PrincessofWills · 31/08/2026 13:09

It sounds like a race to the bottom with you in the lead op . . .

Nightnova · 31/08/2026 13:10

Did you honestly think MN was going to come up with suggestions on how to 'have fun' with being spiteful to your Mil?

I await the drip feed of how she ruined your wedding etc.

hourspassed · 31/08/2026 13:13

Perhaps she is rattled as you put it.

You sound hugely judgemental of others and their shortcomings though OP. Are you a qualified psychotherapist or something? What does your DH think about all this - how is his relationship with his DM?

Just let her be. Keep your distance by all means but to find 'fun' in causing someone discomfort or hurt is never a good thing.

dottiedodah · 31/08/2026 13:15

Strange that shes so awful ,yet gave birth to your husband! Often MIL/DIL clash as they have similar personalities .For DH sake avoid her and dont get drawn in to her comments at all

Marieb19 · 31/08/2026 13:16

Whose the narcissist? You've failed to detail anything your MIL is supposed to have done but you are revelling in the fact that you have upset her and wonder how you can have fun with her at her expense. I think I feel for your MIL.

thepariscrimefiles · 31/08/2026 13:17

Can you tell us some of the awful things that she has done? What makes you think that she is a narcissist?

What sort of relationship does your husband have with her? Do you have children? If so, what is her relationship like with them?

HouseBee · 31/08/2026 13:17

😁😁 at posters thinking that your MIL can’t be an awful person because you haven’t given any awful examples.

@AvocadoRules don’t. Do t ‘play with her weakness’.
Yes I’m sure it will somehow feel nice to put her back in her place again.
But you’d just stoop down to her level. Why would you do that?

Carry on like you did. Live your best life. Be happy. Do it for yourself.
Ignore her or even better go LC if not NC.

What is your dh thinking about all of it?

Marellain · 31/08/2026 13:17

It certainly is odd that her son is adorable yet she and her daughter so evil. Like a fairy tale.

Original poster

AvocadoRules · 31/08/2026 13:18

YabbaDabbaDooooo · 31/08/2026 12:57

The OP either won't come back because the answers didn't go her way.

Or she will, but with a story about how her MIL drowned a bag of kittens in the local canal.

Edited

No, you are right, I won’t bother now. There is a list as long as my arm, but it won’t be believed.

I think the very fact that my FIL is now saying he just can’t cope with her now due to her nastiness is quite telling now.

I’m happy to be the bad guy here. She’s been awful to not only me, but my DH too. I’ve avoided her but seeing her rattled did make me feel better.

OP posts:

Heronwatcher · 31/08/2026 13:19

FFS this is the woman who raised your DH. She can’t be that bad surely if you like him?

If you don’t get on with eachother spend as little time together as possible but try to be at least pleasant for your DH’s sake.

HeddaGarbled · 31/08/2026 13:22

I could have fun with this

No, don’t - that’s the tipping point between boundaries and bullying.

Pinkchickenwine · 31/08/2026 13:24

AvocadoRules · 31/08/2026 13:18

No, you are right, I won’t bother now. There is a list as long as my arm, but it won’t be believed.

I think the very fact that my FIL is now saying he just can’t cope with her now due to her nastiness is quite telling now.

I’m happy to be the bad guy here. She’s been awful to not only me, but my DH too. I’ve avoided her but seeing her rattled did make me feel better.

Show quote history

No, you are right, I won’t bother now. There is a list as long as my arm, but it won’t be believed.

You sound like a sulky child, surely saying a few examples would’ve made PPs aware of the issue?

Dreamcatcherat50 · 31/08/2026 13:28

She sounds awful and you're a bully.

Pipe down and continue living your "best life".

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