To find the use of the word ‘fiancé’ irritating?

[Sparklesbigtoe]

Do people still use the word fiancé to describe the person they’re engaged to on a regular basis (eg. every time they mention them to someone who doesn’t know their name they’ll say fiancé rather than partner or bf/gf)? Or is this becoming kind of outdated? There’s a woman at work who keeps saying ‘my fiancé and I this, my fiancé and I that, yesterday I said to my fiancé blah, blah’. It’s really starting to grate on me because she could easily say his name then start referring to him by it, just like everyone else does. It also struck me that other people I know who’ve been engaged recently carried on saying ‘partner’, or they might say fiancé once or twice but generally they use partner. I’m sure I’m BU to find it annoying but it feels like they’re trying to boast that someone’s asked them to marry them everytime I hear it!

Also odd that the poster thought it was pronounced with a “t”?!

"My colleague said"

"My mum and I were at lunch"

"I told my husband"

"My daughter asked"

"I said to my fiancé"

I don't see why it's performative to use someone's relationship to you, instead of their name? I like it, in part because (like a pp said) I'm not great at remembering names!

Presumably he has a name though?

Fiancé is fine, but a bit weird if she’s called him by his name up to now. I’ll say DH’s name to those who know him, or I’m close to, otherwise I’ll say ‘husband’
Partner to me is a serious relationship- ie, living together or have kids together but not married or engaged.

It’s worse when someone mentions “Tom” and you’re thinking “who’s Tom?”.

Yes. I’m only early 40s and I find it really strange, almost a transactional way to describe a romantic relationship because as a legal term it denotes a formal business relationship.

I don’t really care what people call someone they’re having sex with and can’t say I really notice whether they say boyfriend/ fiancé/ husband, but with “partner” it always stands out and takes me a second to realise that they mean someone they’re romantically involved with; there are plenty of other words to choose from which indicate that much more clearly!

Haha! I know that a great deal of English is from French but the word fiance sounds particularly French I think, perhaps because it's longer with the 3 syllables, almost sounds too fussy if that makes sense. I can't really explain, I've never liked the word much despite now being someone's fiance. 😅

YABU - that is just what the person is to the person speaking. Maybe if people know their relationship but if I was taking about ‘Bob’ surely someone will ask who that it. And then it would be weird if she said “my betrothed”

I’m not engaged BTW.

Still it’s strange to be “amused” by her not knowing if you’ve never bothered to mention it.
If it’s all as low-key and nonchalant as you say then why are you relying on friends to convey the news as it’s all so unimportant? If you’re not expecting them to tell then why is it so “amusing” that she didn’t know?

Have you never taken an irrational dislike to a word?

People do it all the time on here. Barely a day goes by without someone informing us how much they hate the word hubby or hubs.

Why should this be ok but people who dislike the word fiancé be “weird”?

Its not that the words are “too French” per se, its the use of French to make something sound grander and more interesting than it actually is.

Fiance/fiancee is an unnecessarily jumped up way to describe the person who you plan to marry. Its harmless just needlessly frilly and self absorbed.

How is it “frilly” or “self-absorbed” though? It’s just a word to denote something, as words are designed to do!

English borrows many words from French, especially when it would take a sentence to express the same thing in English, unless you favour promoting the use of “betrothed”.

This attitude gives vibes of the anti-intellectualism that frowns on people having wide vocabularies of knowing foreign languages, the idea people shouldn’t “give themselves airs and graces” and that sort of inverted snobbery.

I don’t understand what is so objectionable to this specific word, it’s genuinely baffling that so many posters including the OP seem to have such a strong reaction to it.

But there isn't really another word that describes someone you plan to marry that doesn't also sound weird. And tbf, you can be excited about your imminent marriage without being jumped up and self absorbed (One could say that mentioning the existence of your husband/partner/boyfriend/fiancé at all is self-absorbed as no one at work cares about the other people in your life, I guess, but that seems a bit harsh).

'Fiancé' is a word that accurately describes a relationship, doesn't require people to remember the name of someone they don't care about, and lets someone potentially express their excitement over their upcoming marriage all at once. It seems like a win/win to me.

Yes, just saw that in the quote history. But the poster did say she still didn’t understand the pronunciation.

I suppose if English is your only language, having to use foreign words that are fully part
of the English lexicon might sound a bit poncy for some.

I just don’t think a word denoting that you are planning to get married but have not yet done so is necessary.

Its like having a specific word for a person who has found a job but hasn’t yet started it. Its just too much information. Its “look at me, I’m nearly married, don’t you know!” No one cares.

Don’t get me wrong I am not proposing to ban it, live and let live, I just find it cringeworthy.

A perfectly normal noun that is used all throughout the English speaking western world to describe a perfectly normal relationship? No, can't say as I have. And if I did somehow become weirdly fixated on such a word, I wouldn't pretend it was the word that was the issue.

I don't love the word moist, but I accept it's just a word that means damp, and it would be really bizarre for me to object to someone using it, or even fixate about their use of it.

And I've been thinking about this - when I was engaged, before I married my husband, I likely called him my fiance, and might have called him my partner too.

But I can't remember, because it's just a noun that is absolutely normal and in common usage and I no more thought about it than I thought about saying "I walked through the hole in the wall with hinges and wood attached that lets me into the house" instead of saying I walked through the door.

And yet, you're wrong.

And you care so deeply you won't just let it go and accept that it is an absolutely normal word and if you object to it, that's a you problem.

Yep.

That’s always possible, sure. But people who drop foreign terms into English to show off to try to create an air of intellectual superiority are just laughable posers.

I once heard a mother at a kids’ birthday party tell them they were going to play tableaux vivants next. That’ll be musical statues to anyone normal and unpretentious.

I don’t feel the same way about fiancé(e).

I'm always perplexed when a poster talks about a 'fiance' - when she's been with him for 12 years and they have two kids and a mortgage!

I suppose not, but then a lot of words aren't strictly necessary. I enjoy them anyway though, as they add depth and richness to our communications as people.

Why is it 'too much information' to say you're engaged to be married, but not too much information and cringeworthy (not really a necessary word) to say you are married? After all, no one cares, right? It's just an odd attitude to take.

But lots of them are entirely normalised -- entrepreneur, al dente, deja vu, faux pas, pro bono, restaurant, Schadenfreude, hygge, Doppelganger etc etc.

Some people are so strange.
Like I wouldn’t even give this a second thought.

But you’ve been thinking about it so much and even gone to the trouble of starting a thread.

Find a hobby or something if these sorts of things bother you.

What alternative word would you suggest for someone you’ve agreed to marry but the marriage hasn’t happened yet?

Fiancé is one word, “man I’m getting married to” is a lot more of a mouthful. And it is “grander/more interesting” - ie more serious - than just a boyfriend so it’s appropriate to have a word which signifies that.

Oh, but there is ‘betrothed’! Thankfully we use fiancé instead.

But you’re are right @OtterlyAstounding and that is why we have come to adopt some foreign words into English language because they sum up nicely what we mean.